Movies That Should be Video Games - Shoot 'Em Up

You may have noticed that I took a small break from the Movies --> Video Games feature for a little while. I’ll have to do this from time to time to prevent any nerd stigma that may attach itself to The Good Indoorsman. With that said, I’m back with another movie that should become a video game. And this one should be nerd-free. It’s a fun film that is straight-up action and manliness all the time.

Shoot 'Em Up is one of the coolest movies I’ve ever seen and for some reason hardly anyone I know has seen it. I’ve seen it mentioned out here in the blogosphere, but we watch movies constantly so we’ve pretty much seen them all. The truth is, while Shoot 'Em Up is good, it’s not for everyone. Like moms for example. I made my mom watch it, and while she appreciated the art-factor, I don’t think she cared for all the dead people. There’s also a baby involved which might cause squeamishness. I have to admit, I saw this movie before and after we had a baby, and each time I had a different perspective. So moms shouldn’t watch this movie or play my game adaptation. But moms really don’t play video games anyway, unless you consider Farmville a video game.

Shoot 'Em Up actually plays out just like a game. I’m actually surprised no one has adapted it yet. Hang on – let me Google just to make sure. Ok, I googled. We’re clear.

Player 1

Just in case you haven’t seen the movie, Clive Owen plays Mr. Smith; just some guy who’s really good with a gun. We don’t really learn too much about him. He ends up having to protect a baby while a crazy hitman (Paul Giamatti) and an army of bad guys chase him. Mr. Smith is chased through so many different locations, or like in a video game – stages. There’s the abandoned building where he finds the little baby, and the church/brothel where Smith enlists the help of his lactating prostitute girlfriend. Then there’s the car chase, the skydiving shoot out, and the final battle at the Hammerson gun factory. All of these scenes will be featured in the game. I imagine the skydiving scene will be particularly awesome. I’d also like to utilize the Wii-Zapper somewhere. Maybe there can be a stage like House of the Dead; Smith walks through the streets while bad guys jump out of windows and all you have to do is aim and fire.

Each stage will be filled with baddies, kind of like Double Dragon, where an infinite number of villains slowly walk in from the left and right side of the screen. The difference is that Shoot 'Em Up - The Game will be 3D and the baddies are faster and don’t have names like Blade, Dagger, and Knife.

Because the theme of Shoot 'Em Up is shooting things, there will be plenty of guns to pick up. In the movie, Hammerson Inc. creates all kinds of advanced weaponry, so in the game I imagine you’d be able to use these guns and more, maybe even some that shoot lasers. At one point in the movie, Smith makes his girlfriend hide out in a tank with the baby. I’d like to see Smith take the reigns of this tank and totally destroy everything in sight.

Carrots are a running gag in Shoot 'Em Up. Not only do they help Smith with his eyesight, they provide a comical allusion to the hunted, Bugs Bunny, and the hunter, Elmer Fudd. In the game Smith will be able to collect carrots to enhance his eyesight, shooting skills, and health. An added bonus is that when Smith is without a gun, he can throw carrots at his enemies and possibly poke them in the eye.

Smith will also need to protect the baby throughout the game. Don’t worry moms, the baby never dies, but if he isn’t fed he cries and alerts the bad guys. So, remember - keep the lactating prostitute girlfriend alive too.

Don't cry little pouty-face...

Shoot 'Em Up - The Game, like the movie, will be action packed, hilarious, and stylish. Like I said, I can’t believe it isn’t already a game. The phrase Shoot 'Em Up was even coined as genre of video game. So let me play already!!

(500) Days of Summer (being a pain in the ass)

Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) wants nothing more than to find the love of his life. One day Tom meets Summer (Zooey Deschanel) and he spends 500 days trying to romantically and comically win her over. Well, that’s what I thought was going to happen. In reality, Tom and Zooey start dating immediately and the audience is witness to their off-and-on again relationship.

I really thought I’d love this movie - it looks like a JLG movie for sure. It’s one of those movies I’d consider buying without even having seen it – I was that sure. It’s promoted as an off-beat, non-chick-flicky love story. It looks original and artistic, and stars the love of my movie-watching life, Zooey. But to be honest, I didn’t really like it that much. I liked it a little bit, for a couple reasons, but otherwise it’s not what I expected.

The two things that really separate (500) Days of Summer from other romantic comedies are its visual styling and its non-linear story. It’s filmed and edited beautifully. Tom is an architect at heart and his passion for cityscapes comes out in the scenery throughout the entire movie. We see the city as Tom sees it, which is nice. There are even times when the city becomes Tom’s personal sketch, and it erases around him when he is sad. There are plenty more visual metaphors where that comes from and they are great. I especially loved seeing Tom and Summer in the French film montage.

The plot is told in a non-linear fashion. We kind of start at the end, when Summer and Tom have already ended things. Then we jump back to the beginning to see how they began. It’s similar to Pulp Fiction, only before every “chapter”, we see a number. This number is one day, out of the 500, in the couple’s relationship.

For me, this worked and it didn’t. I understand why they did it – we’re able to see little eccentricities of their relationship in before-and-after scenarios, rather than having the cute little inside jokes brought up every once in a while, and possible overlooked. It makes the little parts of their life stand out and I think we get to know them a little better. However, because they flip from the salad days to the sour days, back and forth, we see Summer as nice, and then not nice. She is such a pain in the ass during those last days, but because we keep going there, it seems like she’s a pain all the time and it made for a very negative movie. And the thing that bothered me most, is that there isn’t really any reason for her to be so mean to Tom. Other than the narrator telling us in the beginning that Summer doesn’t believe in love thanks to her parents’ divorce, we don’t have any clue as to why she’s a beeotch. And furthermore, why does Tom stay with her at all? There isn’t much chemistry between them other than a shared love for art and “indie” music.

Now, if there’s one thing I hate more than a movie-snob, it’s a music snob. But even worse are pretentious hipsters pretending to be music snobs. “I like a band you never heard of, and I wear scarves, therefore I am better than you.” This is the feeling I get with Tom. He’s a nice guy, and all, but he’s borderline snobby. That’s cool though, because he’s a character. What aggravates me is when a screenwriter creates a character like that in the hopes of making them unique and deep. It doesn’t work - they’re off-putting. I’d much rather watch a character that enjoyed what everybody likes – an everyman.

(500) Days is funny at times, but Gordon-Levitt’s character is the only funny one. He's actually a really funny and versatile actor. There are a couple characters, Tom’s friends, who were obviously written in for comic relief – but they’re really not that funny and they’re barely in the movie. This movie is more depressing and heartbreaking than funny.

Visually, (500) Days of Summer is stunning. There are great music montages and pretty clever metaphors. The soundtrack isn’t bad, but as much as I love Zooey’s singing voice, I really wish she’d sing something less Lawrence Welky. The problem with (500) Days is that it really lacks substance. In its attempt to profoundly shed light on fate-versus-coincidence, it misses the mark by not developing the relationship or the characters in it.

3 Summers