The Good Indoorsman

It's Kind of a Funny Story

2011-08-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

It’s Kind of a Funny Story is just that, kind of funny. It’s also kind of odd. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. The subject matter is so depressing, but at no time did I feel depressed. That’s a good thing, because I was in the mood for kind of a funny movie.

Craig is a clinically depressed teenager. There doesn’t seem to be anything depressing about his life other than stress and the resulting stress-vomit. Craig, instead of jumping off a bridge, stops at the emergency room and is admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

Craig is played by Keir Gilchrist, a young actor with a resume spanning dozens of TV shows. He’s pretty good, though Craig is kind of a vacant character. He reminds me of a dead-pan Jay Baruschel. The comedy kind of happens around Craig and it’s really his reactions that bring the laughs. The story is Craig-centric, however it’s the other patients of Argenon Hospital that make the movie so good.

Craig first meets Bobby, the wise sage of Argenon Hospital. Bobby is played expertly by Zach Galifianakis. This film proves that Zach is an actor, and not just a crazy person. Interestingly enough, Bobby is a crazy person, but Zach plays him pretty tame. Still, Zach manages to be hilarious. The gorgeous Emma Roberts plays Noelle, a relatively new patient that Craig instantly connects with. She has scars of her own. She’s brilliant here and I expect to see her shine in more indie movies.

There are other patients as well, and a few of them are pretty important to the story. However, they are tragically under-developed. Craig’s roommate Muqtada plays kind of an important role and we never really learn about him. He seems tacked on. Jeremy Davies, plays Smitty, a hipster dude who works for the hospital, but I have no idea what his job is. I like the actor so I wish we’d see more of him.

I’m no expert but it seems like the writers have taken some liberties with hospital rules. Craig is underage but because the youth wing is under renovation he is forced to stay with adults. Something tells me that wouldn’t happen in real life. Correct me if I’m wrong. He is also allowed to have a female visitor in his room not chaperoned. This seems unrealistic to me.

There are some great imaginary scenes, based around Craig’s artwork, that are pretty to look at and add some color to the dull hospital scenery. This reminded me a little of 500 Days of Summer. The music class scene, where Craig is forced to play lead vocals is nothing short of amazing and if for nothing else, makes this movie worth watching.

Despite a few issues, this is a charming movie. The characters needed some more development. Not everything about this movie seemed realistic, so the drama wasn't all that convincing. It's not perfect, but it's kind of funny, just like the patients of Argenon Hospital.

3.5 other people with issues…

Marwencol

2011-05-16T18:12:00.000-07:00

The most inspiring, touching, and relevant art in the world isn't created by artists. Mark Hogancamp has created an entire world in his backyard and because he took pictures, he's considered an artist. He didn't set out to create art in the way someone sits down at a canvas and asks, what should I paint today? Mark simply wanted to escape the pains of the real world. Marwencol is his story.

A decade ago, Mark was savagely beaten by five men outside a bar. He was left brain damaged and lost most of his memories. Unable to afford any kind of therapy, Mark begins constructing a model of a fictional World War II era town; Marwencol. He populates the town with G.I. Joes and Barbies. At first, the construction of this town and its inhabitants enable Mark to practice his fine motor skills. Eventually, Mark gives personalities to each doll, based on people he knows in his personal life. There is even a Mark doll, the alpha male of Marwencol. Through this doll, Mark is able to live his life.

Mark, in real life is divorced, but he doesn't remember why. He only knows that he loves women. In Marwencol the women, an assortment of different Barbie dolls, love him back. There are several times when the Mark doll runs into serious trouble. He is often tortured at the hands of Nazi toys. These conflicts represent the barrage of demons Mark has locked inside his subconscious. It is often the women toys, including a witch with magical powers, that come to his rescue. This means more than I'm willing to give away.

As the line between Mark's Marwencol and his real life starts to disappear, the pictures he has taken are discovered. He is asked to show them in a gallery. Mark must choose whether or not to venture out of his world. It is amazing to see how this climax in Mark's life translates to the storyline taking place in Mark's backyard.

Marwencol is a fascinating look at a real man living in an artificial world. The story is sad at times, but Mark has small victories every day; a true testament to art therapy. The interviews with Mark and his neighbors paint a picture just as detailed as the buildings and characters Mark has built. Jeff Malmberg, the filmaker, presents Mark in such a matter of fact way you can't help but love him. He treats the town of Marwencol as if it were just another one of the shooting locations. Thanks to Malmberg we enter Marwencol just as Mark does on a daily basis.

Everything is brought together at the end in a beautiful metaphysical kind of way. Charlie Kaufman would have a run for his money had this been a fictional story. The fact that it's all real makes Marwencol even more special.

This film gets 4 stickers from me. Really big stickers... (All images are property of Mark Hogancamp.)

Hoppy Easter!

2011-04-20T19:42:00.001-07:00

Terrifying Family Films - Darby O'Gill and the Little People

2011-03-17T09:13:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! What a perfect day to share one of my favorite childhood movies; a film that also scared the shamrocks out of me. Darby O’Gill and the Little People is a classic Disney film, known for its innovative special effects. I don’t quite remember what the movie is all about; just that an old man catches the king of leprechauns. I also vaguely remember Sean Connery singing. I think my mom rewound the tape to watch this scene a few times.

Nice right? That song will be in your head all day. What I remember most, though, is the wailing banshee and the Grim Reaper’s death wagon. What kind of F-ed up Disney movie has a Grim Reaper? Just looking for media gave me the creeps.

I couldn’t find an actual clip of the death wagon flying in, or its headless driver, but here’s some of the freakiest Darby O’Gill scenes set to some pleasant celtic music. The banshee looks like a dementor on acid.

Way to give me nightmares Disney. No wonder I feel the need to drink beer on St. Patrick's Day.

I'm Still Here

2011-03-10T16:46:00.000-08:00

Wascally wascals Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck have played a joke on America. Only the joke isn’t funny and short of some publicity on Letterman and Access Hollywood, did anyone really care?

I’m Still Here is a mockumentary filmed by Affleck and Phoenix. According to the film, Phoenix decides to retire from acting and break into the rap game. On the road to rap stardom he completely falls apart; his breakdown accompanied by drugs and prostitutes. Surprise! It’s fake. Hilarious, right? Not really. The concept is clever; I’ll give them that. The resulting film is just hard to watch. It’s slow-moving, hard to follow, and at times, really gross. This movie reminded me a lot of Pauly Shore is Dead. Interesting concept, but in the end, nobody wants to watch.

Some critics believed the hype; this was the real Phoenix having a breakdown. Even one critic, whom I hold in high regard, seemed to believe it. In his review he says the film is pointless; watching Phoenix spiral out of control is pathetic. I agree that it is pointless, but that’s how you know it’s fake. Who would make a movie showing their buddy falling apart and doing drugs? It would be pointless and cruel. Also, wouldn’t there be legal ramifications if Phoenix really took that many drugs on screen? Phoenix does an insane amount of drugs on screen. What celebrity would really do that unless they were on Dr. Drew? Affleck is married to Joaquin’s sister, Summer. What decent human being would film their brother-in-law in such conditions, knowing that the family would see? What would be the point? This film only makes sense as a hoax; it only works as a celebrity spoof. Unfortunately it didn’t work for me.

There are moments where it seemed as though 12 year old boys got hold of the camera. It bounces around the room, in and out of focus, while the little boys giggle. You can’t even tell what the actors are saying half the time. And let me tell you, there are just way too many poop, vomit, and full frontal shots for my taste.

The one outstanding scene, which required some terrific acting on Phoenix’s part, is when he appears on Letterman to promote his new rap gig. Unfortunately, everyone already saw this part. I would have really liked to see the green room footage, or maybe something backstage with Letterman. They could have staged a fight or something; just something additional to what everyone saw already.

It takes a lot of talent to play yourself, and it takes a lot of guts to portray yourself in a negative way. So I admire Phoenix for that. I admire both Phoenix and Affleck for trying something different. The concept is a pretty good one, but I think it takes a dark turn. I would have enjoyed a movie about Phoenix becoming a rapper. That has comedy written all over it. Film the crowd reacting to the outfits and hilariously bad raps; leave the nudity and drugs out of it. The secret to a good lie is to not overdo it.

2 weird beards

Rango

2011-03-07T18:25:00.000-08:00

Don’t let the big orange Nickelodeon logo fool you. Rango is a cartoon about little animals but it's not a cartoon for kids; at least not little ones. Cartoons seem to be getting very serious lately. Toy Story 3 definitely had its share of adult themes. Rango does too, but even more so. It’s also violent, dark, scary, and really noisy. I saw more than a few kids covering their ears. Not to mention, some of the cuddly little animals drink and smoke and curse. I loved it, but I’m not little. That reminds me, I need to get back to the gym.

Rango is somebody’s pet chameleon. He’s a privileged, self-proclaimed thespian, but he longs for something more. After a fateful accident, Rango finds himself in an old west town with some rather disgusting, but intricately rendered animals. Rango must prove himself to the town and answer life’s biggest question, “Who am I?”

The story is a pretty good one. It’s well-written and funny, but it’s also full of pretty standard old west archetypes. This movie is a clear descendent of Blazing Saddles and The Andy Griffith show. Rango, and more than a few of his quirks, is homage to Barney Fife. Another interesting comparison I couldn’t help but draw was to the movie Chinatown. Rango’s new home, aptly named Dirt, is suffering through a drought. Rango must figure out who or what is to blame.

What’s most amazing about this movie is the character design. The creatures of Dirt look like nothing I’ve ever seen before. They are so ugly, but you know, in a cute way. They are pretty gross sometimes but so detailed they’re almost beautiful. Although, the guy with the arrow in his eye was pretty gnarly. These are exactly the kind of rodents you’d assume you may find in a town called Dirt.

As much as I loved this movie I just can’t recommend it for families. The reactions from some of the little kids I saw were pretty telling. There are plenty of hilarious sight gags and slapstick jokes that got the little ones laughing. But there are lots of adult jokes and some inappropriate behavior. One has to take into account though that Dirt is an authentic old west town. Characters drink and smoke cigars. Characters point guns and characters get shot. There are a couple scenes that I believe would be absolutely traumatic for a kid. One of the main villains is a giant rattlesnake. I thought the snake from The Jungle Book was freaky, but this guy puts him to shame. He’s a pretty scary dude, and his “rattle” is actually a revolver-like cannon. Another scary scene, one I absolutely loved for its creativity, was when a posse of bat-riding rodents chase Rango and his gang. I mean… what’s more terrifying than bats? Well, rodents riding bats and shooting guns.

The great references and metaphors would also be lost on kids. There are so many cool themes and nods to spaghetti westerns to appreciate. And because Johnny Depp is the star, there’s even a hidden Hunter S. Thompson caricature. Look for it. Unless your kids know who Hunter S. Thompson is, this movie isn’t really for them.

4.5 filthy animals

Terrible Movie Night!

2011-02-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

I had to pass this on. This brilliant website was created just about a week ago and I can't believe I didn't think of it first. Here's how it works: Terrible Movie Night schedules a showing of a classically bad movie. You go on to Netflix instant stream and start the movie when scheduled. Then you log on to the website and basically tear it apart with other viewers. What a perfect way to showcase your genius wit with people you don't know!

I'm going to try it out tonight with the film, Transatlantic Tunnel. However, I'm most excited about the double feature this Saturday - two Troma flicks: The Toxic Avenger and Redneck Zombies. I'm not a huge fan of Toxie, but I used to watch Redneck Zombies constantly. Only problem was, no one would watch with me. Now, thanks to Terrible Movie Night, I will have virtual friends to bash it with!!

Check out the website for more details and showings:
Terrible Movie Night

Thanks to Thrillist Chicago for spreading the word, and to my sister for reading Thrillist Chicago.

The Dark Knight Rises

2011-02-01T10:23:00.000-08:00

Does the new Batman title remind anyone else of Hemingway?

Weird Stuff Women Like...

2011-01-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

This blog post is not to offend women. I'm just saying I don't understand you. You enjoy the following clips and they make me want to puke coat hangers.

The first clip is the opening scene of My Best Friend's Wedding. None of these women are in the movie. I don't get it. Why does it go on for so long? Seriously, who are these women? Actually the one in the pink dress is Bree Turner, who us dudes remember as the hot pet store girl from Deuce Bigelow. Regardless, this scene is weird.

This clip is probably the worst scene from any movie, ever. I might have liked The Holiday if it weren't for this. I mean, Jack Black is in it. He's never not funny. And why this song? Couldn't they have picked a song that I didn't sometimes listen to?

Oh look, it's Cameron Diaz singing again.

Now, I actually enjoy Moulin Rouge. It's a beautiful movie, with a cool concept and a great soundtrack. The only problem I have is this scary-as-hell scene where everyone appears to be on drugs. The dancing is sped up and weird mustache guy is obnoxious. I just want to punch that weird mustache guy.

Finally, we have this little gem from what must be the dumbest movie I've ever seen part of, The Sweetest Thing. Apparently it's the female answer to American Pie. It's really gross and really unfunny and again, it stars Cameron Diaz.

More to come. I simply can't tolerate any more right now!

Something's happening!

2011-01-05T19:31:00.000-08:00

The news has been filled with accounts of strange nature phenomenons lately. Birds dying, fish dying, bees disappearing. Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria! But don't worry, I know what it is.

Relax, it's just some viral marketing for The Happening 2.

Terrifying Family Films - A Christmas Story

2010-12-23T15:11:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of the holidays, I thought I’d discuss my favorite Christmas movie ever: A Christmas Story. When I started outlining this piece, I realized something. This movie, while it’s amazing and hilarious, is kind of scary. I’ve unintentionally dug up some repressed feelings and am therefore dusting off a series I call Terrifying Family Films. Here are the top five real reasons your kids will be up all night Christmas Eve.

1.) I think we can all agree that the pivotal moment when Ralphie tells Santa his wish, and is subsequently pushed down the slide, is pretty freaky. The elves are mean and Santa looks like the devil. The thing that really gave me nightmares was that slide. I don’t know why; maybe because it was bright red or because it was monstrously huge and out of place. I had night terrors as a kid and the majority of them were about plummeting to my death on a long slide like that. Usually there was no end to the slide, but every so often I fell into the Sarlac pit from Return of the Jedi.

2.) At one point in the film, Ralphie’s teacher Miss Shields and his mom are dressed as a witch and a harlequin and proceed to make fun of him. I hated this scene. If you can’t trust your mom or your teacher, who can you trust?

3.) If you can watch A Christmas Story without feeling a little anxiety when Scut Farkus comes around, you probably are Scut Farkus. If so, stay far away from me because you are absolutely grotesque. The braces, freckles, and yellow eyes - yikes! And you’re so mean. Making kids cry, shame on you. As horrible as you are, Ralphie’s final battle with you is glorious.

4.) Some of you may not recall this absolutely terrifying scene, however, I can quote every line. After Ralphie say’s “Fudge” (And by the way, did any kid understand this joke? I did not. For many years I thought Fudge was a swear word.) Anyway, his mother puts soap in his mouth and then asks where he heard the particular word. Ralphie totally narks on his buddy Schwartz. Mrs. Parker calls Schwartz’s mom. Mrs. Schwartz freaks the fudge out, and we listen as she beats him. "Ahhh what'd I do mom!? What'd I do!?"

5.) Finally, and the most horrible of all, the tongue on the frosty pole scene. The lead up to this scene is tense, but it’s not scary. The triple-dog-dare is mean, but not scary. The fact that all Flick’s friends leave him stuck to the pole and not inform anyone of his predicament is sick, but not scary. The scary part, the scariest part of the whole movie, is when they bring Flick back inside and he’s got gauze on his tongue. However, as a kid, I was convinced that the firemen had ripped off half his tongue, and the white stuff was the inside of his tongue. What a great Christmas movie mom and dad!

All kidding aside, I love this movie. A Christmas Story is one of America’s most cherished films and I watch it all day on Christmas just like the rest of you. The bunny pajamas, Randy in his huge coat, the crummy commercial for Ovaltine, and of course the leg lamp are all iconic film moments all surprisingly found in the same movie. How can one movie have so many great scenes? I think we've all seen this movie so many times we forget how truly great it is. I wish I could go back and watch it for the first time all over again.

Tron: Legacy

2010-12-20T16:18:00.000-08:00

What was the most common thing heard at the movie theater this weekend? “One ticket for Tron, please.” Tron: Legacy is a movie with a very specific audience and though it’s very good, I’m not sure it will achieve the box office numbers Disney was hoping for. It opened at number one, but I don’t think it will last. I could be wrong here, but Tron: Legacy might only appeal to men my age. We remember the original Tron from when we were kids and want to relive it the same way we lined up for The Phantom Menace. I’m pretty sure the dinner-and-movie date demographic skipped this one. That's unfortunate.

Tron: Legacy is definitely worth seeing in theaters, even if you aren’t familiar with the original. I passed on the 3D as I usually do for review purposes. (I’m always afraid I’m going to miss something important when I’m trying to grab the 3D effects.) The visuals were still impressive and nice to look at. However, it didn’t really look all that much like Tron. That’s due in part to the plot which is set up something like this:

Kevin Flynn, the man behind the Tron game has been living inside the grid for 20 something years. His son Sam receives a message from the grid so Sam goes to find him. The grid has changed a lot because Kevin, along with his “program” Clu, have been making nice alterations. So the flat geometric shapes and monotone color scheme have been updated, which is a clever tie in to modern day computer graphic capabilities. And speaking of modern day capabilities, the animators actually make Jeff Bridges look 20 years younger as he did in the first movie. Pretty snazzy. Everything looks amazing, but it doesn’t really feel like a video game anymore. I suppose video games really don’t look like video games anymore either.

Tron: Legacy is also an interesting story, and it held my attention. There’s a new twist to the grid which I found intriguing. The whole idea behind this new character Quorra, played by Olivia Wilde, is clever and thought-provoking. Plus she’s really hot. There are some pretty decent action sequences as well, all using the classic Tron games. Light Cycles, which have been updated, are totally awesome.

The film is very entertaining but you walk away with some questions that can’t really be answered because in no way is this story possible. So you have to suspend your disbelief a great deal and ignore any holes. However, I still have questions. For example, how does one manage to find food and eat it in the grid? Is the roasted pig on the dinner table just a program? If so, does that make it vegetarian?

Tron: Legacy is a great tribute to the original. It’s fun if you don’t think too much about the science behind everything. You also have to appreciate that everything has been upgraded. The suits, the vehicles, and the city itself have all been improved and rendered intricately. The futuristic theme music from the original has also been upgraded… by Daft Punk. So if you’re expecting the Tron you remember, go watch that. This isn’t it. This is better! So see it, and bring a friend!

4 arcade classics

Let the Right One In

2010-11-30T18:17:00.000-08:00

So I’m pretty tired of the vampire thing and although I enjoy The Walking Dead on AMC, I’m pretty tired of zombies as well. Isn’t there some other monster we can exploit? There has to be something. Bigfoots maybe? I’d love to see a tween romance with glittery bigfoots.

Let the Right One In is another vampire movie. But, this one is different. It’s not really a vampire movie at all. In fact, it’s quite lovely. I have no doubts that Let Me In, the Hollywood remake released last month, will be scary and totally miss what makes the original so great. I need to see the new one before I make rash judgments of course, but I have a pretty good hunch. Let the Right One In isn’t meant to scare. There are a few spooky scenes and a little blood, but this story is really about friendship. It’s like My Girl meets Nosferatu.

This film was made in Stockholm and it’s entirely in Swedish. Oskar is a boy with an unfortunate haircut and no friends except his mom. He keeps to himself and is frequently picked on by a kid named Conny. He meets a girl named Eli and they form a nice little friendship over a Rubik’s Cube. And so you know, Rubik’s Cube is the same in Swedish.

Eli is a fascinating and complex character. You know from the beginning that she’s different. Although she is 12, she admits to having been 12 for a long time and you can actually see it in her face. I’m not sure if it’s done with makeup or if it’s the actress, but she looks very mature. Interestingly, when she meets Eli she begins to act childish and not sure of herself. Oskar tells her that she smells. Hilarious. But then she worries about smelling nice for him. Oskar tells her that she’s ice cold and Eli wonders if that makes her gross. The complexity of her character is amazing. Young Oskar is interesting as well, but Eli steals the show.

Considering this is a vampire movie, there is some violence. The film doesn’t shy away from the notion that vampires eat people; it’s a fact. There are no vegetarian vampires. To me, the scenes are more beautiful than gory. You might think the part where Eli bleeds profusely is disgusting, but in the context of the scene, it’s a beautiful moment. The attack scenes, which in other films might be brutal in order to scare the audience, are more subtle in Let the Right One In.

Furthermore, the story remains true to classic vampire mythology. I definitely appreciate this. There’s nothing wrong with keeping it old school. If you’re a vampire, sunlight will kill you. It’s that simple.

Let the Right One In is a wonderful little film. It's a refreshing story; heartwarming when Oskar and Eli are together and thought provoking as their relationship develops. You definitely question the lengths you go to for the ones you love. It's also nice to look at. The winter in Sweden is just beautiful, even if there's a little blood in the snow.

3.5 nice vampires

Nightmares in Red, White and Blue

2010-11-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

This really isn’t a review - more like a recommendation to horror movie fans. I'm not saying I’m not a horror movie buff, myself. I just don’t like the gooey kind they make these days. I watch scary movies, especially around Halloween, but they’re usually cheesy and dumb. Evil Dead and Freddy Krueger are my favorites. Also, I believe that if a director is talented, he can scare an audience without too much violence. The Shining is a perfect example of that. Movies today have become torture porn and I generally avoid them. I like being scared, not being ill.

Nightmares in Red, White and Blue is a documentary that covers the whole spectrum of the genre, from early monster movies to the ultra-gore we have today. It's a pretty simple film in its composition, but it's quite interesting. It's packed with great interviews and facts I didn't know, which surprised me, since I know everything!

The narration is done by some of horror’s greatest directors, including George Romero and John Carpenter. Wes Craven is missing, but I saw enough of him on my Freddy box set. The directors provide great insight to the themes present in these movies and go way beyond the virginal final girl cliché.

This documentary is also entirely focused on American culture. They compare the themes of each film to what was going on in America at that time. So it’s a great film for history buffs as well. It’s fascinating to see how much war, depression, and the economy play a role in these films. If Americans were scared of something, you can bet Hollywood capitalized. They discuss the effects of international horror on Hollywood, as well, but briefly. This movie is really about America.

So, it’s kind of hard to review a movie about movies but I definitely recommend it. Whether you’re a fan of those old Universal monsters, or if you crave blood and eyeball poking, you’ll enjoy it. And if you watch scary movies just for the gratuitous nudity like I know most of you do, watch for a great unedited montage taken from easily fifty movies.

City Island

2010-10-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

In the movie A Bronx Tale, Robert DeNiro’s character drives a bus to a place called City Island, a small fishing village in the Bronx (of all places). For some reason that scene always stuck with me – the image of a peaceful island, surrounded by an overcrowded city. So I rented this movie called City Island, not knowing anything about it, only because I liked the concept. And really, I think that’s the best way to go into the movie; not knowing too much. So I won't talk too much summary.

City Island is about a family living on, you guessed it, City Island. Andy Garcia, who is just so awesome in this, plays Vince, a father with a secret. Julianna Margulies, plays the mother who also has a secret. The son and daughter also keep secrets from the rest of the family. The son’s secret is just so crazy, I can’t imagine how the writer, Raymond De Felitta, came up with it. They all live under one roof, yet they all live their own private lives, on their own private islands. Neat connection huh? Vince works as a correctional officer at a prison, and when he brings a convict home with him, the secrets start to come out.

Andy Garcia is great. Most of the time I think he’s okay. I think his performances are pretty standard; a debonair Italian dude. In City Island, he plays an older, unsure of himself, kind of guy, who longs to be a debonair Italian dude. He even references Pacino, DeNiro and his idol, Marlon Brando. Garcia plays Vince in a humbling yet charming and likeable way. There’s one scene where Vince stares at his own daughter’s chest. It’s a pretty awkward scene, but what makes it even funnier, is that the actress playing his daughter, is actually Garcia’s daughter, Dominik.

Emily Mortimer plays Vince’s friend Molly. She doesn’t have a very large part, but she invokes the beauty and quirkiness of Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. She’s graceful and silly and supports Vince during his transition into the man he wants to be. I couldn’t help but like her as well.

City Island is a funny movie, but it’s mostly that interesting kind of funny where you say, “Oh that’s funny,” instead of actually laughing. Some of the scenes definitely had me LOL-ing though. It’s a great story, set in a unique locale. The characters are interesting and have some pretty wild secrets. I could definitely see this working on an off-Broadway stage. The ending alone is reminiscent of a Shakespeare.

3.5 Italian dudes

Devil

2010-10-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

Hey.

Been a while.

You look good.

So my friends and I went to see Legend of the Guardians. You know, the owl movie. When we got there, the ticket lady said they weren’t playing it. The Regal website said they were, but they weren’t, and she didn’t know why. She just pointed to the electronic signboard behind her, where the owl movie showimes ended at 3 pm. Can’t argue with that.

So we saw Devil.

We thought it would be good for a laugh. But actually, Devil is a pretty decent flick. It’s scary as hell. You’ve probably seen enough advertisements to know that this is the movie about the people on the elevator. So I don’t think I need to explain much more than that. It’s about people on an elevator and they may or may not have encountered the devil himself. According to the film’s narrator, a security guard who watches the events unfold, the devil arrives whenever there is a suicide and torments the damned on Earth.

When the movie starts, the first thing you see is “The Night Chronicles” followed by a giant number 1. This is the first in a Twilight Zone-like series of supernatural movies under the night chronicles moniker. M. Night Shyamalan has invented each story, the final one apparently based on an Unbreakable sequel, but he isn’t directing. I think he is tired of getting laughed at. Devil is directed by John Erick Dowdle.

In my opinion, M. Night should be happy with Devil. Like I said, it’s really scary. Devil is legitimately the scariest movie I’ve seen since The Ring. In a decade of torture porn, this is a refreshing change. There is actually little to no blood or guts. No one has their eyes poked out and no one is surgically attached to someone else’s butt, centipede-style. For the most part, the really gruesome stuff happens when the lights go out. The lights flicker and you know something bad is about to go down. Only hearing the nasty stuff, and not knowing what you’ll see when the lights go back on, is the scariest part. I think that’s more effective than the disgusting garbage all these amateur studios have been filling Blockbuster with.

The tension increases with the concept that humans become the villains when we are at our worst. I quote Rodney Dangerfield, “What good is being the best, when it brings out the worst in you?” Okay, that’s a stretch, but I watched Ladybugs this morning. In Devil, the five characters are so stressed they turn on each other, which adds a whole new freaky element. Dowdle’s other movie, Quarantine, was also successful as an experiment in claustrophobia.

In classic M. Night style, the actors aren’t the best. I only recognized one of them - he was on The O.C. They do pretty well for the most part, and they are convincing, but there aren’t any stand-out performances. The most annoying thing is when they look into the camera when addressing another character, as if the audience were that character. I get that elevators are small and probably hard to film in. It's just irritating and I might be the only one that noticed it. But now you will, so enjoy.

I’m not sure how scary this movie will be on video, unless you have a really big TV with great surround sound. For me, Devil worked as an experience. When the lights go out, the theater is pitch black and you become an elevator rider yourself. You can’t really escape. In your living room, you can keep the lights on. Plus, you can take the stairs. So, if you’re looking for a good Halloween flick and are tired of the Saw movies, go see Devil. And bring a second pair of underpants.

3 safer methods of transportation because you will not want to ride an elevator again.

Dinner for Schmucks

2010-07-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

I didn’t expect a whole lot from Dinner for Schmucks; I assumed it would be kind of dumb actually. But I’m happy to report, the movie is hilarious. I’d say it’s this summer’s Hangover.

Paul Rudd plays Tim, an analyst for some kind of financial firm. He’s trying to make his way up the corporate ladder and needs to impress his boss. The boss and his cronies invite him to a special dinner, where each employee must bring an idiot so they can all have a laugh. Tim feels a little weird about that, but he eventually meets Steve Carell’s character, Barry, and decides he’s the perfect idiot.

The movie isn’t just about this dinner; that only happens at the end. This is really the story of how Tim meets Barry, and how Barry keeps screwing up Tim’s life. Tim wants to marry his girlfriend, but now that Barry is in the picture, things get pretty messed up.

Steve Carell is better than ever in Dinner for Schmucks. He could have easily taken this role too far. I think Carell must have some kind of alarm that goes off when he borders on over-the-top, something that Jim Carrey lacks. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jim Carrey, but he would have ruined this movie. Carell brings a certain amount of pitiful to Barry, and you feel sorry for him. Everything about him is endearing, and that’s all due to Carell’s performance, which is on par with John Candy in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

You can tell when Tim first objects to the dinner for winners, that the movie has a sensitive spot. It definitely does. At first you say, yeah, these guys are total idiots. But then we get to know them and we see that their talents are pretty impressive. The moral of the story is obviously don’t invite people over just to make fun of them. It’s not an extraordinary message, but what I’m saying is, Dinner for Schmucks isn’t all schmuck jokes.

Barry’s talent is totally absurd, but only at first. After a while we realize that he’s amazing at what he does. The talent the writer’s created for him is truly an art form in itself, and it works on several levels. I’d really like to meet the prop designer. The other idiots at the dinner are similar. They seem ridiculous, but, in their own right, they’re very talented. The biggest idiot of them all is Kieran, played by Jemaine Clement, and he’s not even invited to the dinner. He’s an artist who’s very involved in his rather perverted craft, and works very closely with Tim’s curator girlfriend. I’ve never really followed the guy, but he’s brilliant here.

Dinner for Schmucks is just a really funny movie. The jokes just keep coming and they really aren’t too dirty or juvenile. For me, every joke is cleverly written, and just when you think they’re going too far, you’re hit with a totally different joke. It’s hilarious and I definitely see this as a dvd on regular viewing rotation, just like The Hangover.

4 mice

Toy Story 3

2010-07-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

When I was 15, I went to a computer convention in New Orleans. Aside from a crazy stripper trying to pull me into a Bourbon Street burlesque, the highlight of my trip was a convention booth run by Pixar. Little was known of Pixar at the time, but computer animation was the new thing on the horizon. The Pixar people demonstrated a new animation tool called Renderman, with a little movie they were making. That movie was Toy Story and I'd never seen anything like it. I was instantly hooked. I knew what I wanted to do with my life. They let me fill out an application and said they’d keep it on file. I wanted to be a Pixar animator so bad I majored in art (which quickly changed to English, but that’s another story).

Toy Story was eventually released and I loved it. When Toy Story 2 came out, I was a little disappointed. It felt more like a straight-to-video release. So I wasn’t overly excited for Toy Story 3. It looked funny of course, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I was pleasantly surprised. Toy Story 3 is the best movie Pixar has ever made.

Andy is off to college and the toys we remember have been sitting in the toy chest. What’s interesting is that all the voice actors return. Even Andy is played by the same kid all grown up. The toys are dealing with some pretty serious emotions now. They’ve lost some toys over the years, just as people do, and they’re worried about their own fates as well. Through a comedic mix-up, the toys end up in a daycare facility run by Lots O' Huggin' Bear, a disgruntled purple bear that smells like strawberries.

The toys deal with so many emotions over the course of this movie, you easily forget that they are toys. They are actually more convincing than real actors. The toys experience grief, fear, anger, joy, and resentment. You’d assume that in a kid’s movie, the toys would be forever happy and devoted to Andy, but they’re not always. The climax in which the toys come to terms with their fate is so powerful and emotional that the scene stayed with me the rest of the day. I could barely drive home.

The movie is not all sad like most people are saying. There are some pretty destitute moments, but the message is completely positive. The film is so clever and funny, it will just make you happy. The actions sequences are also cleverly devised and would please any action fan. So much so that I would even go as far to say that while this movie is perfect, it’s probably not perfect for kids. Lots O' Huggin' and his chronie, Big Baby, are kind of scary and the climax is pretty intense. A child would not understand the final scene's significance. So it's up to you if you bring them or not, but they won't appreciate it as much as you will, and they'll probably cry but not for the same reasons you're going to.

Toy Story 3 is a wonderful tribute to the characters we all know and love. Pixar could have very easily just come up with a simple story using the same old toys and done just as well at the box office. Instead, they created a masterpiece that exceeds the first and second film. The favorites return along with tons more, and they are all given screen time and funny jokes. You can really tell how much the writers love their characters. The new toys they've created are brilliant too. Ken, voiced by Michael Keaton, is hilarious. Some will say Ken's love of fashion and glitter is homophobic, but I really don't think so - he's just a girl toy, and girl toys get dressed up and play house.

The artistry and animation of Toy Story 3 is amazing. I didn't think I’d ever see computer animation as beautiful as Wall-E, but this one tops them all. There are so many toys at the daycare and all of them are detailed and colorful. Each toy has movements specific to what kind of toy they are. Even the walls of the daycare, you know that painted brick all schools have, are natural. You can see the little bumps and everything. It just fascinates me that it was probably one animator’s job to get the bricks looking just right.

Toy Story 3 is beautiful to look at and a beautiful experience overall. I predict that it will win best animated feature, as well as best picture, if that's allowed. This movie has inspired the artist in me again and I can only hope that one day I'll be involved in something as great. Of course, it receives the highest rating any movie has received on this blog:

5 stickers.

Jonah Hex

2010-06-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

Jonah Hex is not the worst movie of the year. It’s far from that and I think it succeeds at what it is – a summer movie. We tend to expect huge jaw-dropping blockbusters in the summer because we’ve been spoiled. Generally speaking, the greatest movies we see during the year come out during the summer months. Because of this we lose sight of what a summer movie really is… just something to do. It’s entertainment and it’s nice to get out of the heat for a while. I’m not saying a movie is allowed to suck just because we were bored and needed an escape for 90 minutes. I’m only saying we shouldn’t criticize movies too harsh when it doesn’t live up to summer standards.

Jonah Hex has plenty of faults, but it’s not terrible. Like I said, it is what it is and I quite liked it. The action, the brief moments of comedy, and the special effects are all decent. I’ve always liked Josh Brolin and he’s pretty good as the vengeful titular cowboy. I’ve always liked Megan Fox as well and she’s not as bad as I would have thought. She’s cute and pulls off a relatively convincing southern twang. Both actors do well in their action sequences and have some nice chemistry.

Now, if you’ve got nothing else to do this weekend and don’t feel like standing in line for Knight and Day or Toy Story, see this movie. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. However, this movie can easily wait for video and I’m guessing that since it’s getting such bad reviews, Jonah Hex will be on DVD soon.

I’ll only highlight a couple things I disliked about Jonah Hex, because I really don’t want to dissuade anyone from seeing it. First of all, Josh Brolin’s make up is cheap. We’re supposed to believe that from a branding “accident” he is badly burned and has a hole in his cheek. To me it just looks like they put a piece of string cheese over his lip. It’s rather distracting… and disgusting.

Jonah Hex also severely lacked development. The writer spent very little time on his characters. Maybe they thought followers of the original comic already had enough information, but I’d never actually heard of the this book. The villain Quinton Turnbull, played by John Malkovich, is the most one-dimensional. There is little to no back story, so we don’t really know why he wants to destroy the country. Other than a shocking intro scene where Turnbull murders Jonah's family, we don't see much of their history together so any meeting between the two if them isn't very interesting. Plus, and I don’t think I’ve ever said this, Malkovich really phones this one in. He’s played some crazy guys before, so I really expected something more menacing. In Jonah Hex he’s just kind of “Grrr! I’m a bad guy! Okay, where’s my paycheck?”

The last thing I’ll mention is that the supernatural theme is a bit off here. We see that Jonah almost dies at the villain’s hands and because of this, he can speak to the dead. It’s a pretty cool concept and most of the time it works. However, there is another power that I don’t understand at all. It has something to do with dreams or the subconscious mind or something. Jonah is told in a dream sequence that his “unfinished business” is fighting and defeating the Turnbull. Ok so that’s cool I guess. But then we have to see the dream sequence again edited in with their actual fight at the end. That didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me and was a little annoying.

Despite a few problems, Jonah Hex is an okay movie. I enjoyed it. If you go into it not expecting too much, you may enjoy it too. As I said, don’t rush out to see it. If you’ve got nothing better to do, check it out. What else are you gonna do with your summer? Hang out at the Gas n Sip?

3 comic covers

The A-Team

2010-06-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

This is not the A-Team you remember. In fact, it has very little to do with the original series at all. The names are the same, the mohawk is relatively the same, and the catchphrase, "I love it when a plan comes together," is the same. That's pretty much it. I'm not saying that's a bad thing; just don't expect yo mama's A-Team.

This A-Team is violent and more explosive. That's to be expected. It's been about 30 years since the show aired, and the audience has changed. Mr. T didn't like this movie for that reason. But I enjoyed it. It is an action movie above all else and it is a succesful one. However, these action stars seem like new characters we've never seen before. Face and Murdock are good, if not a little over the top, but the other two didn't really convince me. BA is a little soft, and Quinton "Rampage" Jackson even admits that fact in some interviews. In my opinion, this could have easily been a brand new, totally original movie without anything to do with the A-Team. But, Hollywood loves the remake.

I guess you could call this movie a re-imagining although I hate that term; a re-imagining just means one thing. Hollywood has officially run out of ideas. You should fully expect to see Silver Spoons or Small Wonder hitting the big screen soon. Due to the gimmicky popularity of Betty White, I wouldn't be surprised if Golden Girls made a comeback. Actually wait, they already made that - Sex and the City 2.

On its own, A-Team is a good movie. There's plenty of action, plenty of jokes, and plenty of twists and turns. My favorite parts are when the boys have to escape from somewhere, and they have to escape a lot. The team comes up with some pretty clever (crazy) plans. The storyline is decent, though it's pretty simple. With the amount of violence and explosions I kind of expected a save-the-world scenario but it's nowhere close. Despite all my observations, I didn't think this was a bad movie. I really liked it and I definitely recommend it. See it in theaters while you can. The A-Team is probably one of the better movies you'll see this summer. The final scene is so explosivy; the ending alone is worth the admission.

4 awesome explosions!

Vincent: A Life in Color returns to Chicago

2010-06-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

If you're going to be in the Chicago area during the last week of July, please make sure you go see Vincent: A Life in Color. It's not on DVD so the only way to see it now is if you attend a special screening like this. I think you'll like the movie - read my review here. And if you're from Chicago, you have no excuse. You are required to go. This is Chicago history right here.

From Zweeble Films:

We have been invited back for a second week's run at the Gene Siskel Film Center beginning Friday July 23 and running through Thursday July 29. Screening times are:

Fri. at 6:00 pm and 8:15 pm;

Sat. at 3:00 pm, 5:15 pm, and 7:45 pm;

Sun. at 3:00 pm and 5:15 pm;

Mon.-Thu. at 6:00 pm and 8:00 pm

For more information you can visit the Gene Siskel Film Center or the director's website. Go see this movie now! In July, I mean.

Movies that WILL be Video Games - Back to the Future

2010-06-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

Looks like Telltale Games has been reading my thoughts. Sneaky psychic game designers. I briefly toyed with the idea of a Back to the Future game sequel, one in which Marty is much older and Doc still lives in the Old West. Marty's kid takes a joyride in his DeLorean and completely screws things up for Marty in the present day. Somehow Biff becomes president, and the entire country falls apart. Marty marries someone other than Jennifer, thus preventing his kid's own existence. When his kid disappears, the DeLorean gets left in the past. Marty has to steal the time-traveling train from the Hill Valley museum, which has been there since 1885. Doc Brown covered up the time traveling mechanisms and donated it to the museum to preserve it, just in case.

I imagined that since Marty's kid screws up so many different things in the past, Marty would have just as many missions to set each thing back to normal and bring back his son. That's about all I came up with. I couldn't think of how to make fixing things fun, and I wasn't sure what kind of game it would be.

But it looks like Telltale Games, a group of ex LucasArts designers, is now making an episodic Back to the Future game. If it's anything like their creation Sam and Max: Season One, it will be great. I'm definitely interested to see what kind of storyline they come up with.

Read the press release here.

Grown Ups... something's missing.

2010-05-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

Today I caught Beverly Hills Ninja on Starz. I realized that even though Beverly Hills Ninja is a freaking terrible movie, I just can't help but laugh whenever I see Chris Farley. He just seems like such a fun guy.

So that got me thinking about this movie Growns Ups with Adam Sandler and his buddies, Rob Schneider, David Spade, and Chris Rock. Seems to be kind of a nineties SNL reunion. But of course, Farley is missing. The fifth guy in Grown Ups is played by Kevin James, the only comedian not from SNL. Could this role have been written for someone else? Of course, this is just theorizing.

The Road... the scariest movie ever.

2010-05-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of this book, The Road, by Cormac McCarthy? I've heard of it, and I've heard people say they love it. If the movie I watched last night is anything like the book it's based on, I don't think I'll read it. Not that it's a bad movie; it's decent actually. It's just so scary I can't imagine getting immersed in it all over again.

The Road stars Viggo Mortensen. His character, known as the father, has survived some kind of judgement day style nuclear war. He wanders the country with his little son during this post-apocalyptic winter. The sky is cloudy and dusty, so plants won't grow. Without plants, the animals die off. Basically there isn't food for humans to live on... except other humans. Gross.

The movie touches on some pretty heavy themes of suicide, justice, and of course cannibalism. The son constantly asks his father if they're the good guys and the answer is always yes, because they don't eat other people. The notion is terribly disturbing, but more than likely realistic. What would humans resort to in that situation? That's what's so scary. Thankfully there's hope with the father and son; they continue to "carry the fire" as they say.

The film is very bleak and gray. Everything looks cold and wet. The future pretty much sucks and it's depressing to watch. I think the director is very successful in his portrayal of the future. He definitely makes his point. Positive moments are so rare in the movie, that when good things happen, they're miraculous. The screen lights up, color returns to the characters faces, and there's laughter. Those few scenes are what make the movie watchable. Otherwise, I don't think I could stomach it.

Now I mentioned before that the idea of humans losing all humanity is really scary, but the movie doesn't stop there. Humans become monsters in the future. They aren't like mutated zombies or anything; it's not technically that kind of movie. The Road is probably the scariest non-horror movie I've ever seen. Not having read the book I did not expect to see the things I did. It's not really grisley or gory or anything, but it is pretty icky. Let's just say if you're not a cannibal, you're cattle.

The Road is effective and thought-provoking. As gloomy as the visuals are, it's shot beautifully. There are some really cool background shots as the two make their way across the country. Viggo's portrayal of a scared and protective father is believable, especially when he starts to question his humanity as well. But unfortunately, I just couldn't get into this movie. It's not that every movie has to be entertaining and all nice and Hollywood, I'm not saying that at all. For me though, there just needed to be a few more postive moments for me to enjoy it. I appreciated The Road, but I just didn't enjoy it.

3 much needed cleaning products...

Well, this is kind of movie related...

2010-05-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

I could write a review today... but I'd rather make fun of this defenseless little tree frog. No wonder he's been hiding out all these years.

Why do so many things remind me of Teen Wolf?

Shrek: Forever After

2010-05-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

I know. Donkey isn't brown. I couldn't find a gray dry-erase marker.

Ebertfest 2010 - Part 2

2010-05-05T09:23:00.000-07:00

I slept in Saturday morning because my sister and I were out all night partying with the college kids. We did shots at Kam's, had some Jager bombs at Joe's, and then did some keg stands at an after party. Just kidding. I slept in because I just turned 30 and my body is slowly disintegrating.

We lined up at the Virginia Theater for Vincent: A Life in Color. I had a pretty good idea about what Vincent was, because I knew who Vincent was. If you're from Chicago, and have ever watched NBC news in the morning, you've probably seen Vincent. Or perhaps you've visited the windy city recently and taken a boat ride down the Chicago River - did you see a man dressed in a brightly colored suit dancing on the Clark St. bridge? Well that's Vincent.

Vincent: A Life in Color is a fun and interesting documentary about Vincent Falk. Vincent walks around Chicago all day in these crazy colored suits. He twirls in them and waves at passersby, including tour boats. I first saw Vincent on the morning news, standing outside the studio, twirling around. I thought he was nuts. But as I learned from this fantastic documentary, Vincent is just a nice man, wanting to share his passion with the world.

The director of the film, Jennifer Burns, was a hostess at McCormick and Schmicks downtown, and she would see Vincent strolling by every day. She was confused, like most people, but wanted to know more about him. Jennifer maxed out her credit cards and made a movie, following him around Chicago. And for a first-time director, she's pretty good. I laughed a lot, and there's some pretty emotional stuff that made my sister cry. Not me though.

This film works, mostly because Vincent is such a likeable guy. He's happy all the time. He tells jokes, all the time, and you eventually realize why he does. Vincent had a challenging life. He's almost completely blind and was raised in foster care. You can tell when he interacts with people as an adult, things are a little awkward for him. My guess is that to avoid conversation, he tells jokes and puns. This is just one of many endearing qualities about him. The fact that he's blind, and still manages to get around the city every single day is also remarkable.

Jennifer really brings Vincent to life on screen. We see his every move and every little quirk, and we're even treated to his personal evolution of dance. Jennifer introduces us to Vincent and throughout her film, we become his friend. She also introduces the audience to Chicago. This film, in my opinion, is one of the best Chicago films and will easily become a true classic. Being a Chicagoan myself, I enjoyed seeing my favorite spots. There are also places I've never seen and probably never would, like the store Vincent buys his suits at. I've always loved the city, but Jennifer really brings out its true colors. I actually couldn't wait to drive back home.

The pacing of the film is perfect too. It's never boring and there's just the right amount of history, interviews, and Vincent in the present. When things get a little sad, the next scene is usually something sweet. The editor of the film, Christine Gilliland, should be recognized for her contribution as well.

Jennifer has made a heartwarming documentary that totally engages the audience. She introduces us to a wonderful person that most people, in all honesty, would avoid. In doing that, she's also created a very nice homage to Chicago. So, to all my out of state readers, I recommend you see the film, get to know Chicago and Vincent Falk, and then come for a visit! And if you see Vincent on the street, say hi and shake his hand. Thanks to Jennifer, you are already friends.

4 Awesome Suits

Richard Roeper, a producer, Vincent, Jennifer, and Christine

To make my Ebertfest trip extra special, my sister found this at a vintage record store for 20 cents. Superman practically flies of the sleeve when you open it! Booyah!

Ebertfest 2010 - Part 1

2010-05-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

Every year Roger Ebert selects a dozen movies that he believes are "overlooked". The movies are then played on the big screen at the Virginia Theater in beautiful Champaign, home of the University of Illinois. Ebert went to U of I and so did my sister. It's been sort of a tradition of ours to attend the fest. It used to be that I would drive down and visit her, but this year we drove together which was interesting. We sang along to every song from Queen's greatest hits. Yeah, we're those people.

Since we both work during the week, we went down Friday evening. We had enough time to check into our hotel, have dinner, and line up for our first movie Synecdoche, N.Y.

Synecdoche was written and directed by one of my all time favorite writers, Charlie Kaufman. Charlie is responsible for crazy and thought-provoking stuff like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Being John Malkovich and the film I consider to be a true work of genius, Adaptation. Now if you thought those movies were out there, wait until you see Synecdoche. Let me just say, it's not for everyone. But if you give it a shot, I think you'll definitely be affected. By what, I don't know - but you will be affected in some way I assure you.

Synecdoche, N.Y. is a really intense story about a theater director named Caden Cortard. I only read a little bit about this film beforehand, and it seemed like the main plot was that Caden, played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman, builds a life-size replica of New York City in a warehouse. And that happens, but nothing can really prepare you for what this movie really is.

Caden obviously has issues from the start. He believes he has every disease in the book, but also projects them onto other people. He thinks his daughter Olive and wife Adele, played by Catherine Keener, are also sick. He even imagines characters on the television are sick. He doesn't have a very good grasp on time either and scenes kind of jump around frantically as if we were sick too.

After Adele leaves him, taking Olive with her, Caden must deal with his issues alone. He starts to slip into what I can only describe as a permanent nightmare. In the beginning, everything that happens to Caden is funny, and Hoffman's brilliant performance lets us know that it's okay to laugh. But after a while things get confusing, for Caden and for us. The audience gets twisted up into Caden's psyche. We don't know what time it is, and we don't know what's real and what isn't. And the movie never explains. It's kind of like watching Lost... if they had canceled the last season. One memorable scene is when Hazel, Caden's new love interest, buys a house that's on fire. It's a really funny scene, but doesn't make a lick of sense. She lives in the house and everything as it continues to burn but never burns down. Obviously this a metaphor for something. Or maybe it isn't. Who knows.

This was the one movie Ebert introduced himself this year. And just a little side note - his speech, broadcast from his MacBook as he pantomimed, was truly touching and I'm thankful I got to see it. Ebert warned the audience that to truly appreciate this movie we needn't not try to figure out what Kaufman meant by it. I'm really glad he said this because otherwise I would have tried to place meaning to things like a burning house. But when you just watch and see it for its beauty and humor, its much more enjoyable.

Caden eventually decides he's going to put on a play that everyone will remember after he's gone. He rents out a giant warehouse to stage his play and goes about building a lifesize New York City. He wants the play to tell a story about real life, about everyone's lives. He says everyone has a story to tell and emotion to convey. So he keeps casting actors to play real people until he fills his city. Then he decides he needs to tell the story of how he creates this play, so he needs more actors to play himself and everyone involved. This continues on into absurdity until there are warehouses built inside warehouses. We know this isn't humanly possible, but it seems so real. And to me that's why this film works. We are trapped right next to Caden in our own personal director's chair. We apply our own ideas to what this movie is. It's like poetry. Kaufman lays the groundwork and we build our own stories. It's just brilliant.

To make the experience extra cool - Charlie Kaufman was in attendance. I watched a Charlie Kaufman movie... with Charlie Kaufman. I didn't talk to him or anything, or even sit by him - we were kind of in the nosebleed section. It was still probably one of the cooler moments of my life.

After the movie, Charlie and four other panelists (producers, journalists, etc.) discussed the film on stage. Charlie is a pretty interesting guy. He seems to be kind of uninterested in Hollywood and budgets and genres and things like that. In fact he made some pretty funny jokes about how this movie didn't produce box office numbers anywhere near their budget. He also went on about how he won't explain anything no matter how many times he's asked. And the audience offered some pretty outlandish ideas about the meaning of it all. But he just laughed and said, "Okay. Whatever you think."

4.5 Stickers. (Might be a 5 after a second viewing.)

Chaz, Charlie and Roger

"Every town has an Elm St..."

2010-04-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

So why haven't the people at Regal Cinemas heard of it?

And I especially like their spelling of Kick Ass. Wouldn't want to offend anyone I guess!

I know I'm late on my Ebertfest coverage. I'm working on it. Still can't really wrap my head around Synecdoche, New York.

It's Like That... Only Different

2010-04-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Right?

Not the same guy.

2010-04-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

I was so sure... but IMDB proved me wrong.

Dr. Walter Bishop on Fringe...

...is not Centauri from The Last Starfighter.

Dr. Bishop is played by John Noble. Centauri was played by Robert Preston who died in 1987.
However, Peter Bishop is definitely Pacey Witter.

Alice in Wonderland

2010-03-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

I finally saw it! Let me preface by saying that I’ve always been a big fan of stories like Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland. I’ve read several Oz books and the two Alice books. And anytime something related to either of them comes around, be it a game or made-for-TV movie, I get a little excited. Take the sci-fi networks recent airing of “Alice” and “Tin Man”. Both miniseries sucked really bad, but I still liked them. It could be said that I loved Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, just because it was about Alice in Wonderland. So I’m going to review this movie pretending that I hate everything about Alice and her adventures. Stupid Alice, she’s not cool at all!

The first thing you should know is that Burton’s AIW isn’t really based on either of the books. It’s sort of a combination of the two. It features characters from both, but they’re revised a little to fit the story. The Red Queen is actually a combination of The Queen of Hearts and The Red Queen. Tim Burton’s version tells the story of Alice coming back to Wonderland to fulfill her destiny as the one who will slay the Jabberwock as foretold in the poem, Jabberwocky. The poem itself is from Through the Looking Glass and it actually never states that Alice is the slayer; I think it’s a young boy. But regardless, this movie is mostly based on the poem; which is a great idea. Jabberwocky mentions a few other creatures that we’ve never seen on screen. Burton is able to bring them to life in his version thanks to CGI, and they look amazing. The Jabberwock actually looks very similar to John Tenniel’s illustrations from the book. The Bandersnatch and the Jub Jub Bird look pretty cool too. The Cheshire cat is probably my favorite though. He has mad evaporating skills and the way he floats around, backwards and upside down, just looks awesome.

Everything in this movie looks cool. The costumes, the creatures, and wonderland itself all look amazing. It has a Burton feel to it, sure, but this isn’t Halloweentown. Wonderland has a look all its own. Burton gets some flack for doing the same Burtony stuff for every movie. But I definitely think he stepped outside the box for his depiction of Wonderland.

Speaking of Burton doing Burtony things, yes, Johnny Depp is in it and he plays a wacky guy. And I thought he was pretty funny. But the real star of this movie is Helena Bonham Carter, another Burton regular. She’s perfect as the red queen. She’s evil and totally out of her mind, but is also hilarious. Plus she looks really good with such a huge head. I kind of always thought Burton cast her in everything because they’re you know, together, but she totally owns this movie.

I loved this movie and whether you believe me or not, it’s not just because I like Alice in Wonderland or have a man-crush on Tim Burton. It’s a fun and visually stunning film that deserves some recognition. The writing isn’t outstanding, and the story doesn’t really take Wonderland to new levels, but I didn’t really expect more than that. It’s definitely a different kind of Alice story. I think the artistry and that jaw-dropping scene where Alice finally meets the Jabberwock impressed me enough.

I will pick one thing I absolutely hated about AIW just to convince you. At the end, The Hatter does a dance, a futterwhacken, to be precise. And it is so dumb. And then when the credits are about to roll... sheesh... an Avril Lavine song. Could have been worse I guess; Prince comes to mind.

4 Queens

Movies that Should be Video Games – The Wizard

2010-03-13T09:26:00.000-08:00

Look out, there's stuff flying at us - only one of which is from an actual game!

Right when you read that title you said to yourself, “Of Course! Man, that Good Indoorsman really is good!” But then you thought, “But how can you make a movie about video games, into a video game? That’s just crazy!” Well, here’s how.

The Wizard is the classic video game movie. If you like video games, you’ve undoubtedly seen this 80’s gem. If you never saw The Wizard and hate video games (why are you reading this), let me fill you in on the plot.

Totally awesome Fred Savage plays Corey. He and his brother Jimmy have run away from home, hearing the news that the children will be split up once their parents are divorced. (Does that really happen? “Honey which one do you want? I’ll take Jimmy. He’s quiet.”) On their way to California they meet uber-bingo Haley, played by Jenny Lewis. I loved her then and I love her now as front woman of Rilo Kiley. Haley, seeing that little Jimmy is somewhat of a video game savant, convinces them to head to Video Armageddon.

I imagine The Wizard game will have two components: A cross-country adventure game and a vast library of 97 classic 8-bit Nintendo games. I probably just blew your mind right there, so I’ll give you a second to recuperate.

Hey.

The adventure game will tell the story of Corey, Haley and Jimmy traveling to California to compete in a totally made up (I checked when I was 10) video game tournament. You control Fred Savage mostly. Sounds kind of boring right? Wrong! Get this – The adventure component is an all out tribute to classic games of the 80’s. There will be car chases, action, fighting, puzzles, role-playing and even spelunking! I don’t know for sure how spelunking will tie in, but I just like typing it. One minute you may find yourself on the back of a Harley Davidson, racing down the highway, avoiding the police and that weasely bounty hunter. Another minute you might be kicking and punching your way through a casino, trying not to get caught by security, or that weasely bounty hunter. And then who knows, you might even find yourself in the middle of a turn-based rpg battle with cactuars in the desert, and just when you thought you were safe, that weasely bounty hunter jumps out and steals 100 magic points! Damn!

But every so often, the wizard encounters a different challenge. This is where the second component I mentioned comes in. It could be a competitive tournament, a showdown at an arcade, or a duel with Lucas (You know – the power glove guy

No I will not keep my powerglove off her!

Arcades are scattered throughout the first component and the gang can earn money by challenging old businessmen. When you enter a challenge, you actually get to play the old games. I was inspired by the Nintendo Wii’s virtual console, where every old school game is readily available for download. Why couldn’t The Wizard game be designed so you can draw from that collection when entering a challenge? And to add a bit of excitement to the old games, you’d be playing split screen with the challenger, be it the computer or a maybe even someone over wifi.

Once Corey and the gang reach California, they are entered into the Video Armageddon. Games are chosen at random so you have to be good at all 97 of them! If you can win more points than your opponent, you win the game! 50,000 wii-points will be credited to your account! Congratulations, you are a wizard.

The Hurt Locker

2010-03-10T19:52:00.000-08:00

Like most people, I didn’t see The Hurt Locker before the Oscars. And like most people, I watched The Hurt Locker the very next day. Was it Oscar-worthy? I don’t know. If I’d seen it before the Oscars, I don’t think I would have voted for it. Don’t get me wrong – it’s a fantastic movie. It’s just hard to believe Hurt Locker was better than the other 47 movies in the best picture category.

If The Hurt Locker succeeded in one thing, it’s that it opened my eyes to the chaos and terror that’s happening in Iraq. Aside from a family friend serving overseas, I haven’t really been touched by this war. In my ignorance, I picture Iraq as a big desert with some stone buildings here and there. The Hurt Locker puts everything into perspective. We see every aspect of Iraq, from the deserts, to the cities, to the small homes that look surprisingly like suburban American homes. And the crazy part is that there’s a war right outside these homes. The entire movie I just kept thinking, “Man, it’d be really crazy if Jeremy Renner was disarming a bomb in my front yard. Would I help him or just keep playing Mario?” But if you live in Iraq, that’s life.

Jeremy Renner plays Staff Sergeant William James, an expert bomb technician. He’s reckless and loves a thrill. In fact, the movie begins with a quote that explains William perfectly. “Battle is a potent and often lethal addiction, for war is a drug.” Williams loves running up to a bomb in the middle of crossfire, with his radio off, waving firecrackers. A typical technician goes above and beyond to ensure his own safety. Therefore, James is a cool character, and keeps the audience on their toes. Not to sound cliché, but I was on the edge of my seat throughout the entire movie. James encounters other threats on several different missions that keep the movie roaring along. Each scene is more intense than the one preceding it. It’s a longer than average movie but you don’t really notice. In fact, the ending kind of comes out of nowhere and honestly I was left wanting a little more.

I don’t really know anything about battle, but The Hurt Locker feels very authentic. When William disarms a bomb, we get in close and see how he does it. But it’s not flashy, sweaty, cut-the-blue-wire kind of stuff; it’s meticulous and slow. In fact, just from watching him work, I could probably disarm a bomb myself. (So, I got that goin’ for me.) The emotions are all authentic too. William is calm but there’s something else under that cool exterior. His teammate Sergeant Sanborn is a good soldier that does everything by the book. On the outside he’s frustrated with William’s antics, but deep down he’s intrigued by his lack of fear and questions his own motivations.

The Hurt Locker is a really good movie. It's a relatively small and simple story but that's what I like about it. It's not a Band of Brothers war epic. It's more personal and thus more authentic. It’s eye-opening and pretty disturbing in parts, but remains an enjoyable movie.

4 Bombs

It's time for tea!

2010-03-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

Yeahhh, I'm excited.

Crazy Heart

2010-02-27T13:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the very kind people at WXRT Chicago, I won passes to yet another movie screening. This time I saw Crazy Heart. It’s a good movie with a really great soundtrack. And actually, before the movie, we were treated to a live performance of the Oscar nominated song, The Weary Kind, played by the songwriter himself, Ryan Bingham. Words can not express how amazing this was. An Oscar nominee playing live before a screening of his movie is definitely not something you get to see everyday. I’m not a huge country music fan, but this guy is the coolest.

The movie is pretty cool too. Jeff Bridges plays a very complicated musician named Bad Blake. Bad is, or was, the epitome of cool. He is reminiscent of Johnny Cash and looks quite similar to Kris Kristofferson. Bad Blake, while dirty and probably smelly, is charming and funny. He is destined to become a cult favorite not unlike The Dude.

Bad is pretty much at the end of his career. When he’s not playing gigs at bowling alleys, he’s drowning himself in whiskey. His agent books him at ridiculous places around the country and Bad has to drive an old pick up truck to each one. I mean, that sounds like a country song right there. His agent also represents Tommy Sweet, a country star played by Colin Farrell. Tommy is the new face of country music and he has a large and young fanbase. Bad’s fans are mostly old hags, but he does not hesitate to sleep with them. The agent has been begging Bad to do some duets with Tommy, but Bad refuses out of obvious jealousy.

It’s all very depressing but Jeff Bridges plays Bad with such charm that we can’t help but laugh a little bit. Things start to look up for Bad when he meets Jean, a very young writer and single mother played by Maggie Gyllenhaal. For some reason Jean falls for Bad. The chemistry between the two is phenomenal even though she’s young and beautiful, and he’s pretty much the walking dead.

Maggie plays Jean very well but I wasn’t sure what her motivations were. Perhaps this was a problem with the character she played. She’s adamant that she wants to stay away from bad men, but then falls instantly for Bad, and I’m not sure why. He's gross. I thought the story would supply us with a little background on her – that maybe she had daddy issues or something. But really her character is kind of a mystery. She has an adorable son that she’s very protective of, but then she keeps letting Bad come over and play with him. And you just know something bad is going to happen. Not that Bad does anything wrong intentionally, he’s just kind of an idiot sometimes. There’s a lot of buildup to these bad things but it takes a really long time to get there. In fact the whole movie is kind of long. And with all the depression it gets a little tedious. Luckily, there are enough funny and relatively uplifting moments to break it all up.

Jeff Bridges is a great character actor and he really makes this movie. He gives Bad a lot of charisma so we want to see him rise above his depression, even though his life is so pathetic. His performances on stage are so convincing, it’s hard to believe that Bridges is an actor and not a country music star. The songs themselves are just as good and could pass for real songs. Some of them were covers, I’m sure, but the fact that I couldn’t tell them apart should mean something. Bridges interpretation of Bad is so authentic Crazy Heart seems like a biography in the vain of Walk the Line. But Bad Blake, as far as I know, never existed.

Crazy Heart is a pretty decent movie. It’s a little slow and a little long and extremely depressing in parts, but it comes around in the end. I think Bridges will win the Oscar. He definitely deserves it – the character was so demanding emotionally and physically. I mean, he’s drunk and vomiting one second and hobbling on crutches the next. Not to mention the fact that he sings all the songs. Maggie did a good job too, but I don’t see an award in her future, at least not for Crazy Heart. Especially when she is up against Mo’nique. (Did I place that apostrophe right?)

And thanks again to my friends at XRT. You keep giving me free stuff. And to throw in a live performance by Ryan Bingham too – you guys are the greatest! Thanks, now can you stop playing so much U-2?

3.5 cowboy hats

Dear John

2010-02-12T18:39:00.000-08:00

You couldn't pay me to see this:

But I might see this:

Alice in Wonderland - get excited!

2010-02-09T19:37:00.000-08:00

I don't usually post trailers, but I've never been this excited to see a movie. Seriously, there's a billboard on the tollway that I slow down for and just stare at. Well, that sounds lame, but you know what I mean. When I'm not thinking about my own writing projects, I'm thinking about movies that somebody else should make. This is one of them. And it just so happens to be directed by my favorite man of all time. You may think that Burton is a cliche, and overhyped, but to that I say, go bite a Jabberwocky.

I also think this is cool, and I'd totally buy it if I were a girl or into the whole emo thing. Urban Decay's Alice in Wonderland Book of Shadows (Get it? Eye shadow! Women are so clever.)

The Lovely Bones

2010-02-05T20:23:00.000-08:00

I feel like there’s been a rash of stinkers lately; a lot of movies I thought I’d enjoy but didn’t. Am I expecting too much? Have I become too cynical? Do I get too excited about movies, walking myself into the inevitable disappointment? I think the more disappointed I am in Hollywood, the more excited I get about future releases, and then of course I’m let down again. It’s a downward spiral. I refuse to be cynical, though. Conan O’Brien told me not to be. So, I’m just gonna keep on looking forward to movies and not let those let-downs bother me. So, Lovely Bones, you have no power over me!

This movie sucked - for real. I know respectable movie critics should use smarter words than that, but it’s the only word I can think of. It sucked me in with fabulous previews and Imogen Heap songs. It sucked me in with, “A Film by Peter Jackson”. And then, inevitably, it blew. This was the film equivalent of that old sideshow act, Man Eating Chicken. You think there’s some crazy chicken in there eating people, but it’s really just some man eating fried chicken.

Peter Jackson is a talented epic director; the Lord of the Rings series, The Hobbit, King Kong – all epic movies. The Lovely Bones, to me, is a small story, centered on the lives of a small family in a small town. I’m sure the producers chose Jackson as director with the heaven sequences in mind. It seems like he focused more on CGI than on developing an actual story. The characters were not developed, the pacing was slow, and there wasn’t any excitement. I understand the story is a somber one, but in any drama we need a little tension or pieces of a puzzle coming together.

As an audience, we see melancholy moment, followed by weird heaven stuff, and then back to melancholia. And we have no idea what is even going on up there in heaven. Did Susie Salmon take the red pill and travel to Strawberry Fields? Seriously, heaven looked ridiculous. I felt like I was watching my sister’s Lisa Frank trapper keeper come to life.

Not really my sister.

I guess there is the argument that since it was Susie’s heaven, she would see images like that being a fourteen-year-old girl. But according to Susie’s weird little friend, she’s not in heaven. Apparently it’s the “in-between”. So is it her subconscious making these images appear? Not sure. I think Jackson should have scrapped the fancy schmancy heaven stuff and taken a minimalistic approach. I picture that episode of Family Ties when Alex’s friend dies in the car accident. The two of them talk and reflect on life on an empty stage. This produced the opposite effect that The Lovely Bones did. The audience has no choice but to reflect on the stories being told.

I also had issues with these two side characters that I assume had bigger roles in the book. There’s the dreamy older boy, Ray, and the psychic girl, Ruth. Neither of them is developed nor do they add anything to the story.

"You are beautiful Susie Salmon, by the way did you do my history homework?"

Susie apparently loved Ray, and Ray apparently loves Susie. I didn’t really buy that. He looks more like her principal. After Susie dies, she sees Ray in her In-Between (ha ha). There is one ridiculously cheesy moment when Susie finds him waiting for her by a lake, and his face reflects off the water. It looks more like something out of Twilight than anything I’d expect from Peter Jackson.

I expected Ruth to be an interesting character, but she added absolutely nothing. I thought for sure she’d help Susie’s family solve the mystery, but she doesn’t. She just sees Susie sometimes and is like, “Oh weird. Hey Susie.” The only time Ruth uses her mad ghost whispering skills is at the end, and it’s probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen in any movie ever. Imagine if the movie Exorcist mated with an episode of Saved by the Bell. This scene would be that couple’s baby. It's a very ugly baby.

The other characters, while on screen more frequently, aren’t all that interesting either. Mark Wahlberg plays a concerned dad who misses his daughter. That's great but I think if I were looking for my daughter I’d be randomly punching people on the street until they confessed, not just kinda moping around like a sad sack. Rachel Weisz plays the mother, but she’s barely in the movie. That’s disappointing because she is attractive. Susan Sarandon is a fine actress but her part as the grandmother was just irritating and didn’t fit the movie.

There were just too many unlikable elements in The Lovely Bones. I’m extremely disappointed that I didn’t like it. The only positive thing about this movie is Stanley Tucci. What a guy. I swear, I’ve liked every one of his roles – even in The Devil Wears Prada. He's really good in this and is extremely creepy. So, Stanley, you earned The Lovely Bones one sticker. Congratulations.

I've waited forever for a reason to post this:

Movies That Should be Video Games - Shoot 'Em Up

2010-01-13T20:48:00.000-08:00

You may have noticed that I took a small break from the Movies --> Video Games feature for a little while. I’ll have to do this from time to time to prevent any nerd stigma that may attach itself to The Good Indoorsman. With that said, I’m back with another movie that should become a video game. And this one should be nerd-free. It’s a fun film that is straight-up action and manliness all the time.

Shoot 'Em Up is one of the coolest movies I’ve ever seen and for some reason hardly anyone I know has seen it. I’ve seen it mentioned out here in the blogosphere, but we watch movies constantly so we’ve pretty much seen them all. The truth is, while Shoot 'Em Up is good, it’s not for everyone. Like moms for example. I made my mom watch it, and while she appreciated the art-factor, I don’t think she cared for all the dead people. There’s also a baby involved which might cause squeamishness. I have to admit, I saw this movie before and after we had a baby, and each time I had a different perspective. So moms shouldn’t watch this movie or play my game adaptation. But moms really don’t play video games anyway, unless you consider Farmville a video game.

Shoot 'Em Up actually plays out just like a game. I’m actually surprised no one has adapted it yet. Hang on – let me Google just to make sure. Ok, I googled. We’re clear.

Player 1

Just in case you haven’t seen the movie, Clive Owen plays Mr. Smith; just some guy who’s really good with a gun. We don’t really learn too much about him. He ends up having to protect a baby while a crazy hitman (Paul Giamatti) and an army of bad guys chase him. Mr. Smith is chased through so many different locations, or like in a video game – stages. There’s the abandoned building where he finds the little baby, and the church/brothel where Smith enlists the help of his lactating prostitute girlfriend. Then there’s the car chase, the skydiving shoot out, and the final battle at the Hammerson gun factory. All of these scenes will be featured in the game. I imagine the skydiving scene will be particularly awesome. I’d also like to utilize the Wii-Zapper somewhere. Maybe there can be a stage like House of the Dead; Smith walks through the streets while bad guys jump out of windows and all you have to do is aim and fire.

Each stage will be filled with baddies, kind of like Double Dragon, where an infinite number of villains slowly walk in from the left and right side of the screen. The difference is that Shoot 'Em Up - The Game will be 3D and the baddies are faster and don’t have names like Blade, Dagger, and Knife.

Because the theme of Shoot 'Em Up is shooting things, there will be plenty of guns to pick up. In the movie, Hammerson Inc. creates all kinds of advanced weaponry, so in the game I imagine you’d be able to use these guns and more, maybe even some that shoot lasers. At one point in the movie, Smith makes his girlfriend hide out in a tank with the baby. I’d like to see Smith take the reigns of this tank and totally destroy everything in sight.

Carrots are a running gag in Shoot 'Em Up. Not only do they help Smith with his eyesight, they provide a comical allusion to the hunted, Bugs Bunny, and the hunter, Elmer Fudd. In the game Smith will be able to collect carrots to enhance his eyesight, shooting skills, and health. An added bonus is that when Smith is without a gun, he can throw carrots at his enemies and possibly poke them in the eye.

Smith will also need to protect the baby throughout the game. Don’t worry moms, the baby never dies, but if he isn’t fed he cries and alerts the bad guys. So, remember - keep the lactating prostitute girlfriend alive too.

Don't cry little pouty-face...

Shoot 'Em Up - The Game, like the movie, will be action packed, hilarious, and stylish. Like I said, I can’t believe it isn’t already a game. The phrase Shoot 'Em Up was even coined as genre of video game. So let me play already!!

Lullaby(?)

2010-01-06T07:52:00.000-08:00

Ever since the foster care stork made her delivery, I haven't been able to get a particular lullaby out of my head. And I've been torturing the poor baby with my nightly renditions.

If you knew me, you might think it was Baby Mine from Dumbo. My mom sang it to me as a baby and I chose it for our mother-son dance at the wedding. BTW, wouldn't Mad Elephant be a cool band name? Write that down.

Or you might think it was Sweet Pea's Lullaby from the movie Popeye, another childhood favorite. (I apologize for this terrifying Spanish Popeye I'm posting, but the English version won't embed. You can see it here and it's a lot better I swear... Sweet Pea)

Um, it's not either of those...

It's this. Sorry JJ...

I won a major award!

2010-01-04T09:34:00.000-08:00

Geof, of Enter The Man Cave fame, gave me a very manly-looking Kreativ Blogger award. Thanks Geof! I visit the man cave pretty regularly because there's always something funny going on. Plus Geof and I have the same name, only he spells it weird. J/K! This award kind of reminds me of Family Feud. I don’t usually do the whole award thing because I don’t get very personal on this blog. I’m going to participate this time though, because I'm pretty excited that someone likes what I have to say. Also, part of the award requires me to share some interesting facts about myself. I thought this would be a good opportunity for you folks to get to know the good indoorsman a little better.

The Rules Which MUST Be Followed (Unless you are me who gets to change the rules cuz that's how I roll. I’m changing the rules because I can’t think of more than 5 interesting facts about myself. So the magic number is 5.)

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated

The Facts:
1) I love Audrey Hepburn and pretty much anything she’s in. This requires me to watch a lot of girly movies, but I don’t care. Breakfast at Tiffany’s is awesome.
2) I’m a vegetarian and have been for 3 years. I went from eating a Wendy’s double-cheeseburger twice a day in college to an herbivore overnight. It’s seriously the best thing you can do for your health, the planet, and all those little unhappy animals.
3) I recently started painting wall-murals. I’m trying to make it a business, but it’s slow-going. You can see my portfolio here… Fun fact - the 'owl and tree' painting is at my house!
4) I married my wife on 07-07-07. We drank seven-and-sevens at the reception.
5) We are foster parents to an 8 month old baby boy. He came to us when he was about 3 months old and completely changed our life. We hope to adopt him soon.

The nominees:
Life as a G – This is my wife’s page. That may seem a little biased but she does have interesting things to say and she’s quite funny. That’s why I like her. She’s been through a lot lately so I think she deserves an award. Today is also her birthday. So, stop by her page and wish her a happy one. Happy birthday hunny!
The Dick and Bo Show – My friend and his associate have a sports podcast you can find on iTunes. This is their companion blog. He hasn’t posted in a long time so this is my attempt to get him back in the habit. They have a lot of knowledge to share and a pretty hilarious perspective. Plus he won our fantasy league two years in a row so he knows what he’s doing.
The Horror Digest – I’m always amazed by bloggers that post more than once a month. Andre at Horror Digest manages to post way more than once a day. I don’t know how she does it, but her reviews are well-planned, detailed and hilarious. She wrote an entire post about the mannequins in Dawn of the Dead, with pictures and everything. Pretty funny stuff.
He Shot Cyrus – I read El Gringo’s blog pretty regularly. He writes a lot of great movie reviews but also reviews movie posters, which are pretty interesting. He's also a photoshop wizard.
The Horror Effect – Geof gave Becky at The Horror Effect an honorable mention for this award, but I’m gonna go ahead and give it to her. She really knows her horror movies. I haven’t even heard of half of them, but her reviews are good reads. She even dedicates entire months to reviewing movies and all their sequels, like her November reviews of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. Now that’s a commitment to blogging.

(500) Days of Summer (being a pain in the ass)

2010-01-01T10:12:00.000-08:00

Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) wants nothing more than to find the love of his life. One day Tom meets Summer (Zooey Deschanel) and he spends 500 days trying to romantically and comically win her over. Well, that’s what I thought was going to happen. In reality, Tom and Zooey start dating immediately and the audience is witness to their off-and-on again relationship.

I really thought I’d love this movie - it looks like a JLG movie for sure. It’s one of those movies I’d consider buying without even having seen it – I was that sure. It’s promoted as an off-beat, non-chick-flicky love story. It looks original and artistic, and stars the love of my movie-watching life, Zooey. But to be honest, I didn’t really like it that much. I liked it a little bit, for a couple reasons, but otherwise it’s not what I expected.

The two things that really separate (500) Days of Summer from other romantic comedies are its visual styling and its non-linear story. It’s filmed and edited beautifully. Tom is an architect at heart and his passion for cityscapes comes out in the scenery throughout the entire movie. We see the city as Tom sees it, which is nice. There are even times when the city becomes Tom’s personal sketch, and it erases around him when he is sad. There are plenty more visual metaphors where that comes from and they are great. I especially loved seeing Tom and Summer in the French film montage.

The plot is told in a non-linear fashion. We kind of start at the end, when Summer and Tom have already ended things. Then we jump back to the beginning to see how they began. It’s similar to Pulp Fiction, only before every “chapter”, we see a number. This number is one day, out of the 500, in the couple’s relationship.

For me, this worked and it didn’t. I understand why they did it – we’re able to see little eccentricities of their relationship in before-and-after scenarios, rather than having the cute little inside jokes brought up every once in a while, and possible overlooked. It makes the little parts of their life stand out and I think we get to know them a little better. However, because they flip from the salad days to the sour days, back and forth, we see Summer as nice, and then not nice. She is such a pain in the ass during those last days, but because we keep going there, it seems like she’s a pain all the time and it made for a very negative movie. And the thing that bothered me most, is that there isn’t really any reason for her to be so mean to Tom. Other than the narrator telling us in the beginning that Summer doesn’t believe in love thanks to her parents’ divorce, we don’t have any clue as to why she’s a beeotch. And furthermore, why does Tom stay with her at all? There isn’t much chemistry between them other than a shared love for art and “indie” music.

Now, if there’s one thing I hate more than a movie-snob, it’s a music snob. But even worse are pretentious hipsters pretending to be music snobs. “I like a band you never heard of, and I wear scarves, therefore I am better than you.” This is the feeling I get with Tom. He’s a nice guy, and all, but he’s borderline snobby. That’s cool though, because he’s a character. What aggravates me is when a screenwriter creates a character like that in the hopes of making them unique and deep. It doesn’t work - they’re off-putting. I’d much rather watch a character that enjoyed what everybody likes – an everyman.

(500) Days is funny at times, but Gordon-Levitt’s character is the only funny one. He's actually a really funny and versatile actor. There are a couple characters, Tom’s friends, who were obviously written in for comic relief – but they’re really not that funny and they’re barely in the movie. This movie is more depressing and heartbreaking than funny.

Visually, (500) Days of Summer is stunning. There are great music montages and pretty clever metaphors. The soundtrack isn’t bad, but as much as I love Zooey’s singing voice, I really wish she’d sing something less Lawrence Welky. The problem with (500) Days is that it really lacks substance. In its attempt to profoundly shed light on fate-versus-coincidence, it misses the mark by not developing the relationship or the characters in it.

3 Summers

The Wackness

2009-12-15T11:06:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of great movie titles out there – names you really have to think about, or names that sum up the entire story in one word without giving anything away. Good writers should put just as much effort into their titles as they do their scripts. The Wackness is one of those perfect names where at first you think, “Well that’s different, but it’s kind of vague, I wonder what this movie is all about?” And then you watch it and realize, that title is freaking perfect.

The Wackness is the often funny, sometimes sad story of Luke Shapiro (Josh Peck) and his best friend/psychiatrist, Dr. Squires (Ben Kingsley). Luke is a recent high school graduate dealing with some sadness in his life and dealing marijuana on the streets of New York City. He visits Dr. Squires on a regular basis, not only for therapy sessions, but to sell him weed. Over time, the two of them become very close. They even make each other mix tapes.

Luke characterizes himself as a loser, and it sounds like he’s been one his whole life. He’s never had a girlfriend and the only friends he has are his clients. His home life is nothing spectacular either – his parents act like children and Luke needs to assert himself as man of the house. Dr. Squires is also a loser. His wife no longer loves him and he’s heavily medicated. His life is dull and he craves the excitement of adolescence. The Wackness is the classic story of two friends who both want what the other should have at their age. The theme isn’t exactly new – old guy teaches kid and kid teaches old guy – but the characters and the story are refreshing. This is not Tuesdays with Morrie.

Luke is played by Josh Peck, an actor previously associated with Nickelodeon shows like Drake and Josh. I’ve never seen the show, but I have a feeling that Luke Shapiro is a far cry from any character Josh has played before. At first he appears to be a little shady and perhaps womanizing, but we come to know him as a sensitive young kid in an adult world. He’s just looking for love. Josh plays this character so perfectly, the audience understands exactly what he’s going through. Another actor may have portrayed Luke in a Jay and Silent Bob kind of way.

Ben Kingsley’s performance is even more incredible. I’ve really only seen him in serious roles so Dr. Squires was definitely a surprise. He’s not an average psychiatrist to say the least. He’s off-the-wall and hilarious and he wants to experience everything that Luke does. His simple view of the world is naïve and charming. I love the way he talks to Luke and his one-liners are fantastic. Like a kid, he just doesn’t care if his actions get him into trouble and that makes for some pretty funny scenes.

There are so many pieces of this movie that just make you feel good. I loved some of the sequences and animations that take place in Luke’s head. My favorite scene is when Luke is just so overwhelmed with love he channels his inner Michael Jackson. Even when things look bleak for these two guys, you come away with a feeling that even though things might suck right now, those things only make you better.

The Wackness is just a fun movie that made me feel good. Some may come away with a totally different perspective because the subject matter is pretty adult and there are several tense scenes. But I think the point here is that we encounter sadness in our lives everyday, it’s part of life. We have to take the wackness with the dopeness.

4 mix tapes

Movie Franchises That Confuse the Hell Outta Me.

2009-12-11T22:07:00.000-08:00

When I was a boy, I spent quite a bit of time at my cousins’ house. We rough-housed, broke things, and told on each other for a variety of offenses. On the occasions that I slept over, we were confined to the basement, and we watched USA’s Up All Night. One night, USA aired one of the Conan movies. I thought it was pretty cool. But then, one of the bad guys dies in the most horrific way I’d ever seen. He gets trapped by this huge rolling circular door and he screams and cries until the door finally rolls over him completely. Since then I’ve had this image burned on my brain and I’ve developed a phobia of rolling circular doors. Anyway, I plan on elaborating on all those villain deaths that traumatized me at a later date. For now, I want to talk about movie franchises that confuse me. Stay with me, I’ll get there. I could never remember what Conan movie we were watching. So every time there’s a Conan movie on TV, I have to watch, hoping that I finally see that scene. For whatever reason, I never see it. Yesterday… I SAW IT! The rolling circle door death happens in Red Sonja. The weirdest thing though; Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the movie, but he doesn’t even play Conan – he’s some other dude that looks just like Conan. And this brings me to…

Movie Franchises That Confuse the Hell Outta Me.

Conan the Barbarian / Conan the Destroyer / Red Sonja
Since I’ve only seen bits and pieces of each one, to me, these are all kind of one big movie. I’m not even sure if Red Sonja is supposed to be part of the Conan franchise, but it looks the same. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in it, only his name is Talidor. Really? These can’t be two different characters - they are identical! Talidor just wears more clothing. You can’t paint stripes on a donkey and call it a zebra, ok? I’ve been to Tijuana and the zebra-donkeys are not convincing.
I’ve seen enough of these movies now that you’d think I knew the plots. But I don’t. I don’t even know who Conan is or why he’s all barbaric. I don’t know where they are or what time period it is. All I know is that the older sister from Wonder Years is in one of them and she is hot. That’s all I got.

It's good to be the Governer

Mad Max / The Road Warrior / Mad Max beyond Thunderdome
This is another franchise that I’ve seen in parts. I’ve seen enough to know that it’s the end of the world and people drive around to find gas. Why don’t they stop driving and save on gas? I also know Thunderdome is the final movie and it stars Tina Turner. My problem is that I don’t know which came first, The Road Warrior or Mad Max. They look exactly the same to me, and the names give no clue as to which is the sequel. Every time Mad Max or Road Warrior comes on, I try to watch to get a better idea of the story. But all I see are some people driving around and some people blowing up.

Couldn't find a funny picture from the movie... so... enjoy the mesh.

Pirates of the Caribbean
Now, here’s a franchise of which I’ve seen every movie. The Curse of the Black Pearl was a phenomenal film. Then things got really weird. The sequel didn’t make a lick of sense, and the third movie made even less sense. Both movies were so confusing to me, and I’m an adult – sort of. I’m not sure how a child is supposed to figure it out. So tentacle dude is cursed to find souls to operate his boat? Again, why not just stop driving the boat and save on souls. Relax and enjoy the afterlife my friend; I’m sure there are some mermaids somewhere that really dig those tentacles. I wasn’t sure who the voodoo lady was either and really hoped everything would be cleared up in the third flick, At World’s End. But I was wrong. Jack Sparrow is now running around the afterlife hanging out with lots of other Jack Sparrows. Interesting. And then there’s a bunch of other pirates getting involved and they all have pieces of eight? Pieces of eight what? And watch out guys that one lady got crabs. The plot is so convoluted and the movie is so long, I stopped paying attention.

"Love, weren't you a girl in the last movie?"

Halloween
Freddy kills to avenge his own murder. Jason kills to avenge his mother’s murder. But what’s Michael Meyers’s problem? Why does he care so much about killing his sister? I think they tried to answer that in the 5th or 6th movie, but that seemed like a stretch. And how does he keep coming back to life? Freddy and Jason live in an uber-supernatural universe where they both have the ability to return and the audience believes it. But Michael seems somewhat rooted in realism, so I’m not sure how bullets don’t kill him. And also – is it just me or does the mask look way more weinery with every sequel.

"Shut up. They had a mask sale at Walmart."

Lord of the Rings
And these movies are four hours long, why? I’ve only seen the first half of the first movie and I refuse to watch anymore. So – can someone tell me what happens? Kthxbye.

Yeah, can I have my precious half-hour back?

The Blind Side

2009-12-02T08:59:00.000-08:00

How did the American sports movie become synonymous with crying? It seems like every sports movie released lately induces my man-tears. I’m not ashamed to cry during a movie – I do it all the time. I get very emotionally involved in any movie I watch, so the slightest key change in score, or a hug from a dad, will set me off. And then my wife makes fun of me the rest of the evening.

I love a good sports movie, especially the football variety. Remember the Titans, We Are Marshall, Invincible, Varsity Blues; they’re all great movies. Some say Rudy is the best, but I have to disagree. There’s no better football movie than Lucas. Lucas made the slow-clap a sports movie classic. Did you know that the slow-clap was invented by hand model Pierre Von Clap? It was actually ridiculed in its early days - why clap slow when you can clap fast, and finish in time for tea? Lucas came along and just tore that logic up.

One could argue though, that these football tear-jerkers are becoming formulaic. It’s probably true, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad movies. When I first saw the preview for The Blind Side, I thought, awesome – definitely seeing that one – what could be better than a true-life football story? But after repeated commercials and hearing the line about never having a bed, boo-hoo, over and over, I worried that The Blind Side would be overly emotional – schmaltz for the sake of schmaltz. I also worried that Sandra Bullock’s thick southern accent (“You kin thank me lateRRR”) would drive me crazy. I almost gave up on this movie when the commercials claimed that Bullock was sure to win an Oscar.

It was my wife’s turn to pick the movie last weekend, and she picked The Blind Side. And I’m really glad she did. It’s a little bit schmaltzy, but overall, The Blind Side is a pretty good movie.

The Blind Side is about the early life of Ravens tackle Michael Oher. He spent most of his childhood running away from foster homes and sleeping on any couch he could find. His teachers, when he had them, wouldn’t work with him and kept passing him to get rid of him. Leigh Anne Tuohy, played by Sandra Bullock, eventually welcomed him into her family’s home.

I’m not convinced that Sandra Bullock will win any awards for her performance but she did a fine job. Her accent wasn’t that annoying and it was subtle for the majority of her dialogue – I barely noticed it at all. The real standout performance here belongs to Quinton Aaron, the actor playing Michael Oher. He did a really good job for his big debut. His sadness was believable as was his compassion.

Despite the dismal life Oher comes from, The Blind Side isn’t constantly depressing. There are several funny moments and I wouldn’t consider them cheap comic relief at all. The little brother is hilarious and some great comedic situations arise with Oher being in a new living situation. Overall, The Blind Side is mostly positive, upbeat, and moving.

In reality the Tuohy family experienced some controversy. Many people thought Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy brought Michael into their home to convince him to play football for their alma mater, The University of Mississippi. The film doesn’t shy away from that controversy. The Tuohy’s are not portrayed as angels and I appreciate that. Leigh Anne doesn’t fight back, she actually questions her motivations. The film feels more authentic this way.

There was a part I didn’t like and actually thought about this for a long time after. Leigh Anne has lunch regularly with three well-to-do women similar to herself. They get a little weirded-out when Leigh Anne tells them about Michael. Leigh Anne jumps on the ole high horse and says, “Shame on you.” I didn’t believe this part at all – it just seemed like petty chick-flick vilification, like when Julia Roberts tells off the snobby sales clerk in Pretty Woman. Up until that point we don’t see Leigh Anne as a better person than her peers. She’s a decent person and cares about people, but we don’t see any evidence that she isn’t a snob or a racist like her friends. So her shame-on-you line seems hypocritical. Maybe the writer wanted her to seem hypocritical - but that irony was just lost on me.

The Blind Side is a pretty decent movie. There are emotional ups and downs but it’s not overly done. There are lots of laughs and some great football action on the field as well. I don’t remember anyone breaking out the slow clap though.

3 Rebels and half a Raven

Twilight New Moon - what I learned from the trailers...

2009-11-17T19:04:00.001-08:00

Wuvable wittle vampire...

...and a chest-waxing werewolf...

...fight over the little boy from Panic Room.

And dreamcatchers are cool again?

Pirate Radio

2009-11-13T11:09:00.001-08:00

Thanks to the kind people at WXRT Chicago, I was able to see Pirate Radio before its release today. That means my review will actually be of some use! And the best part of all, Pirate Radio is an amazing movie.

Many radio stations are awarding points to their listeners for doing certain things, like listening online, or clicking on articles. I saw the promotion to win these passes, along with Q and A with their resident film critic, "The Regular Guy". So of course I put all my points towards this contest. And I won, perhaps because most XRT listeners would rather win concert passes or T-shirts. I, however, am a movie freak and would have loved to meet The Regular Guy. Turns out, The Regular Guy isn’t real; he’s just the voice character of one of the DJs. So, I didn’t meet him, I just got to watch one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time.

Pirate Radio takes place in England in the 1960’s, when radio stations were prohibited from playing rock and roll. Several stations began broadcasting their rock from boats out at sea. The practice was not illegal at the time, but parliament wanted to put an end to it. This is the story of one of those ships, Radio Rock. A young boy named Carl is sent to live on the boat with his godfather Quentin. His mother apparently had enough of his antics. The plot follows his observations on the ship, but it’s not all about Carl. Quentin, played by Bill Nighy, manages the radio station. Phillip Seymour Hoffman plays The Count, a wild DJ from America. The previews make it seem like PSH is the main character, but we actually get to know several other DJs very well. All the DJs are played by funny men; Nick Frost, Rhys Ifans, and pretty much every other English actor you’ve seen in a movie. Even Kenneth Branagh is in it. I think the only one missing here is Simon Pegg. These DJs live on the boat and are forced to interact with each other every minute of the day. With not much else to do, they talk and play games. The characters are so off-the-wall crazy, throwing them into one small room breeds hilarious dialogue and sure-to-be classic scenes. The humor is pretty silly, similar to Shaun of the Dead. Certain scenes were so silly they actually reminded me of old Beatles movies and even Monty Python. Even the clothes the DJ’s wear are crazy. The costumes are vibrant and colorful and really take you back to that era.

Pirate Radio was written and directed by Richard Curtis, the man responsible for Love Actually - another favorite of mine. One great thing about Love Actually is the great music. A lot of thought went into the soundtrack. Pirate Radio is no different; this movie is all about the music so it had to be good. There is one classic song after another and they are all timed intelligently to the pace of the film. We hear The Who, The Stones, The Kinks, Hendrix - the list goes on and on. This movie is filled with so many classic tunes, they will probably need to release the soundtrack as a boxed set.

The entire movie is hilarious and so much fun, but I have to say my favorite part was the ending. It will completely take you off guard. There are no twists or anything like that, but the end is totally unexpected and perfectly filmed. You would almost think someone else took over directing. I won’t say any more than that. But, again, the music is perfect and even features one of my all-time-favorite songs. It’s not the most widely-known classic rock song, but if you do know it, you will surely be moved as I was.

I loved Pirate Radio - it’s definitely a must see. Every single minute is hilarious. I don’t remember a joke that I didn’t scream out in laughter for. And I have to recommend seeing the movie in theaters while you can. Even your living room surround sound will not do the amazing soundtrack justice.

Thanks much to XRT and the Lake Theater in Oak Park. I really enjoyed your free refills on popcorn and soda!

4 Pirates

The Haunting of Molly Hartley

2009-11-03T10:04:00.000-08:00

What haunts Molly Hartley? Aside from the haunting sound of her agent never calling again, I really couldn’t tell you.

Horror movie reviews aren’t my usual forte. I rarely watch them anymore. They are too violent and disturbing lately. I can handle blood and guts, but I think today’s horror directors have lost the campiness that made my generation’s horror movies so great. Horror movies should be scary, but they should be fun too. And there isn’t anything fun about torture porn.

But my wife and I have a tradition, every Halloween we watch a scary movie. We try to rent something that is really scary or really cheesy. This year, it was Drag me to Hell, something I hoped would be a little of both. But, of course, I wait until the last minute to rent it, and both Redboxes near me were out. Yes, I’ve heard of Blockbuster. Believe it or not, it’s an hour away. Okay maybe not an hour, but when you have the only baby in the world that doesn’t like car rides sitting in the back seat, it might as well be an hour. Plus he doesn’t care much for scary movies.

Not only was Drag Me to Hell sold out, every scary movie that looked remotely good was out too. You would think it was Halloween or something. I even considered this inevitable waste of one dollar:

"But I don’t want to be an airman!

I want to be alone with my Fallout Boy records!"

So I drove home, hoping we’d find something on Starz or in my personal library of classics. If all else failed, we could suffer through Ghost Adventures Live. That Zak is a walking bicep in big pants. “Whoa did you dudes hear that? It was a ghost!” No, I’m pretty sure that was your bag of douche overflowing into your big pants. Seriously MC Hammer called and said you have big pants.

Anyway, we found a movie via On Demand: The Haunting of Molly Hartley. It sounded familiar. I liked The Exorcism of Emily Rose and loved The Haunting in Connecticut, so this similarly-titled flick was a sure winner.

Let’s first discuss that title: The Haunting of Molly Hartley. So this is a movie about a chick named Molly who is either being haunted or is haunting, depending on how you read that. Turns out, it’s neither.

As you know I’m against spoiling movies, but in this case, I’m really saving you. Molly is a girl on the verge of her 18th birthday. She’s almost cute but looks kind of stoned. She lives alone with her dad and her mom is M.I.A. It doesn’t take long to figure out that her mom is somehow involved in Molly’s troubled past. At school Molly meets a guy who is a little too well-endowed in the eyebrow area. Side note: Two girls from 90210 and Chace Crawford (who doesn’t know how to spell his own name) from Gossip Girl appear in this movie. What does that tell you?

No caption required.

Anyway, this dude is kind of into Molly so she gets all girly and excited. So while all this teen drama goes on, Molly has creepy dreams about her mom. The only scares we get are the kind of jump-out-from-behind-a-corner crap we’d expect from Nickelodeon’s Are You Afraid of the Dark. None of it’s scary, and none of it’s really happening. It’s all in her head. And it happens over and over again. There’s no buildup, there’s no tension… there’s just hello I’m here! Molly’s mom just keeps showing up and being creepy. Not scary-creepy, just annoying-creepy. Mom even joins Facebook and leaves Molly comments like, “How do I use this?” and “What cocktail are you? I am a cosmo. LOL!” That doesn’t happen. Really in Molly’s dreams, her mom keeps trying to stab her. Turns out Molly’s mom actually did this when Molly was younger and was sent to a psychiatric hospital. Molly lives in fear of her return. Then, one random day, she returns (!) and tries to stab her again, but Molly throws her off a balcony.

"You're cursed, Molly! Cursed with split ends!"

Molly’s guidance counselor comes into the picture at some point too, I don’t remember when, probably around the time I got up to read a book. The counselor and Chace-with-two-C’s throw Molly a birthday party and the truth is revealed. Molly actually died during birth, but the counselor came along and offered her parents a deal. She could bring Molly back to life, but when she turned 18 she would become a demon spawn. Why not, right? Her parents make the deal but then her mom changes her mind and tries to kill her off. So now that it’s her birthday, the counselor and boyfriend throw her a party with a bunch of demons. Molly tries to stab herself, but that doesn’t work because now she’s immortal (?) Suddenly the scene just ends and we apparently flash forward to graduation day. Molly is apparently rich and all around popular and awesome. Fade out, the end. We are left to assume that she just accepts her destiny as an evil demon. But when did she decide that? Why did she decide that? Was Chace really a demon? How long has he been a demon? Was he even 18? How did she get all that money? Does she do evil things or does she just look fancy? And she’s immortal? So when does the devil get to reclaim her soul if she can never die? And if she got to live forever why would her mom try to kill her all these years thus sending her directly to hell? And finally, where was this so called haunting?

Basically this movie has no redeeming qualities whatever. It’s not scary, it’s not funny, it’s not exciting, it’s not original, it’s not interesting, it’s not eventful, it’s not thought-provoking, and worst of all, it doesn’t have an ending. They skipped the ending and went straight to the beginning of the sequel. If you ask me, the concept of girl-becoming-demon is kind of interesting. Why not cut half the slow-paced teen drama, and have Molly become a demon somewhere in the middle. Let’s see her powers! Then somebody, maybe her dad, should try to fight her, but of course she defeats him because he caused this whole demon birthday thing. And actually that’s the new title; Demon Birthday. The bible-beater chick should jump in too and try to defeat her. I didn’t mention her before because she’s a freak, sorry. I don’t know if Molly wins or loses in the end, but my point is that the writers really missed the boat here. The movie sets itself up for a pretty cool story, but then fails to deliver.

Avoid this festering blob at all costs. As we learned, it is probably not the movie you thought your heard of before, and more likely some kind of direct-to-video release, made by someone at the WB. No offense to the WB though – I miss you Dawson!

1 demon birthday cake

Movies That Should be Video Games - The Goonies

2009-09-09T09:08:00.001-07:00

My next movie-turned-game was already adapted for the Nintendo 8-bit in the eighties, sort of. It’s actually quite a classic. This game put the phrase “Ouch! What do you do?” into the Engrish hall of fame. That’s right - I’m talking about The Goonies. Only the Nintendo 8-bit version was called “Goonies II” with little-known subtitle: “The game nobody can beat expect for your college roommate (so he claimed) yet he forgot how when you found it at Gamestop 20 years later.”

This game is known as being impossible to beat and it doesn’t make a lick of sense. With the exception of the Frattelli family and Mikey, it doesn’t have much to do with the movie. For starters, you rescue a mermaid, talk to a wizard, and meet a superhero named Konami Man. To be fair, this is a sequel, so it really wouldn’t coincide with the movie’s plot. Plus it’s not even a game sequel to the original movie like most think. There actually was an original Goonies game – it just wasn’t released here in the states. So I say that doesn’t count. It’s time for a real Goonies game. Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket. So climb in my bucket instead dear reader and let’s take a journey through The Goonie Game.

The thing I loved most about The Goonies was that each character had personality. They were all so unique. They all had motivation, they all had charisma, some we liked, and some were annoying (ahem, Martha Plimpton). They also each had a special ability that furthered them in their quest, which makes this movie perfect for a video game adaptation.

The Goonie Game begins with the opening scene taken directly from the movie. We learn that the children will soon lose their homes and be thrown into a new school district. And then, in Mikey’s attic, the children find the old treasure map, and set off for one last adventure together.

When I first started thinking about the details of this game, I wasn’t sure how to handle the large cast of characters. Originally I thought, Mikey would be the main character, and you would see all the others walking behind him, sort of like a role playing game. They would step in when Mikey needed them. But then I thought, each character is cool and should be directly playable. So I stole a little idea from one of my favorite games growing up, Maniac Mansion. The Goonie Game will be nothing like Maniac Mansion in play style, but I think the way you select characters in MM is the way to go. In it, several characters are lined up at the menu screen. You can pick 3. The game changes based on who you choose because they all have specific abilities. You can even conquer the game differently depending on the kid you have chosen. After the opening scene, you see 5 goonies standing on the hill near the Frattelli house. Mikey, Brandon, Chunk, Andy, and Data, will be there, and you pick three. Mouth and Stef are left off the list, but only because they were comic relief and I couldn’t think of any powers to give them. And plus they’re worthless.

Nom nom nom

Each character has a skill and a weapon:
Mikey - Leadership / Pirate sword
Brandon- Strength / Mixed Martial Arts
Chunk - Sloth Summon / Truffle Shuffle makes the baddies vomit
Andy- Piano and puzzles / Field Hockey Stick
Data - Booty Twaps / Utility belt and strategically placed boxing glove

As far as actual game play goes, I see this being a 3-D adventure. Picture Tomb Raider, only replace Lara Croft and her two friends with Mikey and his two friends. You will mostly control Mikey, but the two other kids you chose follow closely behind him. You can switch to these characters when you need to use their abilities. When they are not in use, they will inspect the area, fight baddies, or talk to each other. Mikey’s “Leader” ability is used when they get lost or take a nap. He can whistle, and the group reforms (Press the X button on Playstation, the A button on X-Box, or actually blow into the wii-mote on Wii).

The goonies begin inside the cabin and make their way down through the caves as they do in the movie. The group has to overcome obstacles, traps, puzzles, mazes, waterslides until the finally reach One Eyed Willy’s ship. Along the way players can find treasure chests filled with upgrades to increase strength and speed (like sleeveless sweatshirts and headbands for Brandon). Players will also encounter several enemies that can harm them. Each character has a health-meter, and each time they are hit, they lose health. Nothing new there. Characters can gain back health points by eating cartons of rocky road ice cream or baby ruths.

Recharge!

In addition to bats, snakes, giant spiders, and maybe even a few dead pirates, The Fratellis follow close behind them. Mini-boss battles ensue when the brothers catch up to them. The final boss battle happens once the goonies find the pirate ship. I’m not entirely sure how that would work though. We may have to stray from the movie plot a little. Maybe Mama Fratelli finds an ancient medallion that transforms her into the kracken?

One in every Arby's kid's meal. Collect them all!

Links to check out...

2009-08-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

Ok well, I hate to be the ambitious blogger that doesn't post. But I've been that guy for almost a month. Apologies to my ten followers and anyone who randomly arrives here via google search for "how did they make Brad Pitt look so young" (I seriously get these once a week - they used magic, people!!).

All I can say is that I've been kind of busy. You can check out my wife's blog (Life as a G) for the reason why. I've added a list of links for your viewing pleasure over there on the right, including hers.

I added a link to my mural website as well, just so you can check out some of my paintings. If you're in the chicagoland area, and are interested in having some work done, give me a shout.

I also included a link to my Juvenile Diabetes walk page. My wife and I are doing a walk in October. It's a very important cause, so check it out.

And last but not least, my chick flick calculator, which has garnered a lot of attention in the chick flick industry. Kidding.

I know this post wasn't really about movies, so, sorry. To make up for it - here's a picture of a movie.

Movies That Should be Video Games - Labyrinth

2009-07-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

Labyrinth – Jareth’s Revenge!

WARNING: The following game summary is very nerdy. Actually it borders on fan fiction. And that really scares me. This summary got way out of control. Please believe me when I say that I am not a complete emo-nerd and I don’t shop at Hot Topic. Read on if you dare… I hope I don’t lose the 7 followers I have.

If you told me that you wouldn’t buy this game, I’d call you a liar. I bet you’d preorder it too, just to get the free t-shirt. Labyrinth is everyone’s favorite movie - everyone’s. It’s a true classic, and unlike every other classic movie, it hasn’t been sequeled, spun-off(?), or rebooted.
So, let me be the first to sequel/spin-off/reboot the movie with a 3D adventure game.

Labyrinth – Jareth’s Revenge is a video game sequel to the movie. The story takes place after the events of the Labyrinth movie. When I was 7, my neighbor tried to convince me that there was in fact a Labyrinth 2. I was so excited. Every time I went to the local video store after that, I asked Todd if Labyrinth 2 was in. He would politely say, “No, not yet,” and pat me on the head. I always liked Todd. One day, his dad Norm was filling in. Because Norm is a dream-crusher, he told me Labyrinth 2 didn’t exist and never would! I ran home crying - true story. The following is a little story I came up with during a lifetime of wishing for a Labyrinth 2.

Sara is now 30 and a single mother. Due to her experiences in the goblin kingdom, she’s very protective of her baby, Paul. Forgive the name, I couldn’t think of a good one. Toby, Sara’s little brother, is 15 now and very mischievous. He runs around the house acting like a monster and constantly annoys his parents. They send him to Sara’s house for a weekend visit. Sara, still unhappy with her parents, gets easily frustrated with Toby and ignores him to care for her own baby. Toby gets jealous and locks himself in her bedroom. Bored, he looks through her things and finds the Labyrinth storybook that she carried with her in the film. With it, he is able to summon the goblins to take little Paul away. As Sara frantically tries to unlock her bedroom door, a white owl flies through the hallway and into the nursery. And of course, when she runs into the nursery, Paul is gone. The windows are open, and a goblin is sitting on the windowsill. He says something like, “We took yo babay!” Sara karate chops it in the head.

Sorry, my nerd alert was going crazy and I had to man up a little.

Anyway, both Sara and Toby go to the Goblin Kingdom to get Paul back. Jareth greets her at the entrance in a “Bwa ha ha, we meet again,” kind of way. Sara is all like, “You again! I thought I killed you!” And Jareth goes, “Not really - you said I didn’t have any power over you and I was like, whatever, I need to go, I have a pot pie in the oven.” Jareth informs her that this time he won’t be so easy on her. He needs Paul and won’t give him back.

Sara begins her adventure through the labyrinth and thus, the game begins. The labyrinth is more immense than the one in the film because Jareth has added on – he’s on his third mortgage. There are several ‘levels’ comprised of different mazes and more villages. Sara is equipped with a princess wand she keeps in her bedroom. In the beginning, all she can do is strike down enemies, but as she progresses, she receives upgrades and magic abilities. Fancy. Toby follows close behind her throughout the maze, but soon falls down a pit. Sara continues without him and when she completes the level, the player assumes the role of Toby. He needs to complete an entirely different series of underground levels to get back to Sara. The player switches between them every time a level is complete. Toby meets a “friendly” goblin in one of the underground caves. This goblin claims to have gone AWOL from Jareth’s army. Since Toby is defenseless, the goblin gives him a weapon. I can’t think of a good name for it now, so let’s call it a Snatcheroo. Basically, it's a magic wand that shoots out a beam of light and sucks the goblins up.

Dude, seriously this is getting so nerdy. I need to take a break. Beer! Chicks! Football! Home remodeling projects!

Ok - only a few more details to go. As Sara progresses through the labyrinth she encounters old friends and new. She can use their abilities for assistance. Ludo can call rocks and wipe out goblin armies; Sir Didymus can swordfight on the back of his dog Ambrosius. (Um - kind of sad that I don’t need to look up their names.) And of course Hoggle kills fairies and pees in public.

After puzzles, traps, mazes, and crazy creatures that try to take her head off, Sara makes it to the center of the Labyrinth. Jareth is there, waiting for her, with Toby standing next to him in a goblin suit of armor. Jareth reveals that it was him in the underground system. He gave Toby the Snatcheroo. Jareth is getting older and consequently weaker. The goblins down there had revolted and were planning to overthrow Jareth. Disguised as the old goblin, Jareth used Toby to capture them. The plot thickens – Jareth explains that the labyrinth affected Toby when he was there as a baby, and even when he returned home. This is why Toby was so mischievous. Jareth intended for Toby to find Sara’s book and call the goblins. He planned the entire thing so that Toby would return. Jareth needs a successor as goblin king. Sara thinks he is talking about Toby and says, “Fine, you can have him.” But Jareth explains that only a true heir can be king, and that Paul is actually his son. Saucy - somebody call Maury. I haven’t worked out those details but I’m thinking Sara drank a little too much vino at the masquerade ball.

The final stage begins, Sara must fight her way through the Escher maze again, this time it’s crawling with baddies. I think this level would be killer and reminiscent of Super Mario Galaxy. The maze would turn Sara upside down and you’d never know which way was up. Totally awesome. When Sara reaches Jareth at the top, she must actually fight him. By this point she should have a full arsenal to combat his magic balls. Once he’s defeated, Toby turns back into a human, and he and Sara bring Paul home safe.

Sheesh. That was exhausting. I may have to discontinue the movie/video game thing.

After some research I discovered there have actually been at least two games made based on this movie. Below are some screen captures from them. Apologies to anyone who owns the copyrights... not because I'm using them, but because your games look lame and mine rules.

Hmmm...Who is responsible for that not-so-subtle graffiti? Hoggle looks suspicious.

Who is this dude? What is that furby looking thing? And what the hell is going on in the woods back there?!

Movies That Should be Video Games - The Shining

2009-07-10T20:42:00.001-07:00

Ok, let's get nerdy shall we?

Sometimes when I watch a movie, I think, "Wow - this would make a sweet game." I imagine that quite a few people do this. Otherwise, we wouldn't have brilliant games like Wayne's World or ET. Sadly, I seem to have grown out of video games. I have a Wii, but I usually play Mario. I love Mario. I just don't really like recent video games. Somehow all the game companies have managed to turn modern warfare and pimping into children's entertainment. But I digress. What follows is a synopsis of one game I'd probably play.

The Shining is my favorite scary movie of all time, and I always think how awesome it would be to visit that hotel and get freaked out of my mind. Since the real hotel is in Colorado, and probably not half as scary as the Overlook, why not go there virtually! "The Shining - The Game", as I call it, will emerse the player in the hotel and pit you against ghosts, monsters, and of course, Jack Torrance. The Shining will be a survival-horror game in the spirit of Resident Evil or Silent Hill. You play as little Danny Torrance and your goal is to survive your stay at the Overlook Hotel. The hotel is entirely free-roaming. Some doors are locked and you have to find keys or solve puzzles to get through them. And of course, you collect pieces of the hotel map to move further into the game. As you play the game, you encounter several past guests of the hotel. Some are good, and offer hints or useful information. Some are bad and want you to play with them forever and ever! Danny doesn't die when the ghosts get him because he's just a kid and that would be kind of inappropriate. I like to think that he becomes trapped in the hotel forever when it's game over.

Come play Nintendo with us, Danny

Danny is assisted by three additional characters. His mommy, Wendy Torrance, initiates the game with Danny. She gives him simple missions to accomplish, but soon he's on his own. Mr. Hallorann shows Danny how to 'shine', or communicate with ghosts and the hotel itself. Hallorann's head pops into the scene, most likely in a cloud, to share hotel history or offer helpful hints. Tony, the little boy that lives in Danny's mouth, speaks to Danny when there's a clue or unlocked door nearby. Danny makes choices involving these three people, and if he makes good choices, they will come to him in times of danger. For example, if you help Wendy cook lunch or something early on in the game, she will show up later with the baseball bat. If you eat ice cream with Hallorann, he might show up later on the snowcat.

Danny also encounters Big Papa Torrance who is slowly losing his marbles. At first, Jack Torrance is calm and just a little weird - he poses no threat to Danny. But after a while, the hotel starts to "affect" him. Jack Torrance randomly jumps in and out, kind of like Jason in the old Friday the 13th game, and throws axes at Danny. I won't cheapen the film by providing Danny with any weapons, though. Danny uses skill and tricks to avoid Jack and the ghosts, or hides in nearby closets. Whenever Jack is nearby, Tony shouts, "Redrum!"

Danny also receives special power-ups along the way, like his ability to shine. He can tune into other people's thoughts, speak to ghosts, and sense danger. He may also receive the "pestering child" power, with which he asks silly questions of adults. This is Jack Torrance-repellant. And if that's not enough, he can throw his school papers all over the floor, which Jack will slip on. Danny's most powerful tool however, is the Big Wheel. He receives this from his mother for successfully completing some preliminary missions. Danny can find upgrades (bumper stickers, special wheels, NOS, etc.) throughout the hotel. As an added bonus, the game will feature special mini-games for multiplayer action - such as hallway racing.

Prepare to qualify!

Through all the puzzles and missions, Danny starts to realize what's happening to his dad, and who the responsible party is. Once the mystery is solved, Jack loses it completely and chases Danny through the bathroom window and into the hedge maze outside. The game's final level would take place in this hedge maze. You'd have to solve the maze while avoiding Jack. I would also like to suggest we take something from the book as well, and throw some topiary animals in the mix. They come to life and also chase poor Danny. When you reach the end of the maze alive, and Jack freezes to death in the snow, you win. But of course, there's plenty of replay value thanks to all the great mini-games!

Bonus Mini-Games!!!
Hallway racing
Hedgemaze
Snowcat obstacle course
Library wall-ball
Typing tutor

Captain EO

2009-07-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a lot of blogs about Michael Jackson lately. People have a lot of great memories to share. I wanted to jump on that bandwagon and share my favorite MJ memory. Like most people, I associate Michael with my childhood. I remember watching the Beat It and Billy Jean videos on Dtv (Disney's music video show). I can also remember singing The Girl is Mine into a hairbrush at my friend's house. I always sang Paul McCartney's part. My friend was a much better Michael - all crotch grabbing aside.
But my favorite memory is of Captain EO. If you're unfamiliar, which is possible, Captain EO was a 3D movie featured at Disney World's Epcot Center, starring Michael Jackson. I loved this movie. The 3D effects fascinated me - I remember everyone in the theater reaching out to grab the little flying furball thing. I was obviously really into Star Wars at the time too, so I appreciated the Star Wars feel to it.
I have to say though, the spider-woman really freaked me out. If this were a real movie, I'd add it to my Frightening Family Films list. I remember taking my 3D glasses off every time she came on screen. But then, the blurriness made her look even scarier! My mom made it all better by buying me a little Captain EO Mickey Mouse toy.
Anyway, I found this on Youtube. Enjoy!

Part 1...

Part 2...

It's Like That... Only Different

2009-07-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

Ever watch a movie and think, "This is kinda like that other movie... but not really?" Have you gotten the feeling that whoever made the movie you're watching was somehow inspired by some other movie?

I’d like to try a new feature. Well, actually I’d love to start a “movie night” thing of sorts where we’d watch two “similar but different” movies, but A, I don’t have any friends that like movies, and B, I don’t have any friends. So for now, I’ll just mention in passing that I love movie nights, and if anyone wants to be friends and come over, let me know, and I’ll ask my wife.

The "It's like that... only different," feature will highlight two movies, maybe more (that's right Iceman, I am dangerous) that have absolutely nothing to do with each other but will complement each other well when watched back to back.

Let's give it a shot. This pair actually gave me the idea for the topic.

Harold and Maude / Charlie Bartlett

Harold and Maude is one of my top ten favorite movies (see list at right). When I watched Charlie Bartlett recently I couldn't help but think of H and M. Story-wise, these two couldn't be more different. Harold doesn't sell prescription medication to achieve popularity and Charlie doesn't hook up with any saucy old chicks. Nevertheless, there's just something about these flicks that tie them together.

Harold and Maude is about a young man who is so obsessed with the idea of death that he regularly attends funerals for people he doesn't even know. He's not suicidal, but enjoys playing morbid pranks on his mother. The mood is dark but hilarious. His life changes when he meets Maude, a woman on the verge of her 80th birthday. She embraces all sides of life, the happy and the sad, and shows Harold what it means to be alive. And I know the whole thing about a 20 year old with an 80 year old is weird and maybe a little gross, but have an open mind. The movie isn't really about that. It's not like that movie you rented last month when your parents were away. What was that called, "Cougars on the Prowl 6?" Maude has lived a long time and experienced moments of joy and sadness. That's the key. I imagine that, if this were to be remade, they'd cast Cameron Diaz and through some plot-dialogue simply announce that she's been through a lot and it would all be very convincing I'm sure. Harold and Maude is a funny and brilliant film. From the shocking first scene to an even more unexpected ending, it's truly an emotional ride.

Charlie Bartlett is about a troubled high school teen who wants nothing more than to be worshipped by his peers. His mother thinks all his problems can be solved with therapy and prescription meds. This provides Charlie with a means to make friends. He holds therapy sessions and sells medication out of the boy's bathroom. It's not entirely plausible, but makes for a pretty good story. It's funny and touching and Robert Downey Jr. plays a great drunk.

I will bet you five dollars that the creator of Charlie Bartlett likes the movie Harold and Maude. I won't say that he ripped off H and M because the stories are nothing alike. But I can definitely say that he was inspired by it. Everything about Charlie Bartlett echoes H and M. The characters are quirky and the locales are vintage. Both mothers are snobbish, entitled, and proper, and they have no idea how to raise a son. They also dress alike even though they live decades apart. Harold and Charlie are polite and calm and have this creepy yet endearing stare. The boys also thrive on rebellion and crave attention from their mothers. These two movies have an odd sense of humor and over-the-top supporting characters. While often dark and dreary, some shared spirituality and romanticism make both films very uplifting.

And if those similarities weren't enough...

Harold and Maude - If You Want to Sing Out

Charlie Bartlett - If You Want to Sing Out

So, if you're in the mood for a different kind of movie night, try these two. They are both hilarious and heart-warming. While they are each unique in their own right, they complement each other perfectly. At the end, discuss the similarities over some pie and coffee. Harold and Maude should go first, in case you're the easily bored type. I want you to at least see the one on my top ten list.

Fanboys

2009-06-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

I was born in 1980, right at the heart of the Star Wars phenomenon. Like most guys my age, I grew up with Star Wars, and obsessed over it. I had all the toys, and sold them to a friend who made a killing on Ebay. I had Return of the Jedi sheets, and destroyed them at a high school toga party. I was Luke Skywalker for Halloween, but I won’t say how old I was.

Fanboys is about a group of twenty-somethings who are even bigger geeks than I am. They are so obsessed in fact, they turn to a life of crime. One of these guys, Linus, is terminally ill and has waited years for the release of Episode I, The Phantom Menace. The group decides they have to steal a copy of The Phantom Menace from Skywalker Ranch before its release. Linus must see the movie before he dies.

Fanboys combines the all American road movie with Star Wars. It has its share of standard road movie adventure, plus there are many great references and hilarious discussions regarding the series. Real fanboys will love this movie just for the subject matter; but it’s not only for fans. The characters don’t take themselves too seriously. They are fully aware of their nerd-oriety and this will entertain the non-fans. However, they appear less nerdy than the Trekkers they often encounter; Star Trek fans who want to stop the fanboys in their quest. Some folks might not get the inside jokes, but I’m sure they’d find the characters and situations hilarious.

This movie reminded me a lot of Detroit Rock City, and not only because Sam Huntington stars in both. I loved Detroit Rock City. There are plenty of great references and jokes about Kiss, but the movie is funny on its own. The things that happen to the kids along their journey are pretty outrageous. Fanboys is successful in that way too.

The main characters in Fanboys are all over 21. I loved that. To write them as high school kids would have been cliché and that would have killed one of the major themes. Eric (Sam Huntington) has basically “grown up” in the story. He’s thrown away his comics and ditched his friends who are stuck in their childish ways. The others still collect comics, worship Star Wars and refuse to grow up. Writing them as twenty-somethings made the story much more convincing.

I would have liked to see a couple things fixed. The movie is scored with cheesy adventure music similar to the classic John Williams theme. It wasn’t very good and they shouldn’t have tried to pull it off. It reminded me of the Star Wars episode of That 70’s Show and sounded like that rights-free music you can buy for a dollar. I understand if they couldn’t get the actual theme (I hope they tried) but they should have left the goofy adventure music out.

There were also dozens of great cameos from past Star Wars actors. I could list them here, but that would ruin the fun. However, there’s one very important cameo missing, and I consider that a real travesty. Hint - he has a beard.

4 light up sword thingies

Surfer, Dude

2009-06-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

Having not seen a single preview for this movie, my sole reason for watching it was to find out what that comma is doing in the title. I'm still not entirely convinced.

Surfer (comma) Dude stars Matthew McConaughey, Woody Harrelson, and, because there's weed, Willie Nelson. McConaughey plays a famous surfer named Steve "Add" Addington. Add makes his money on surfboard endorsements but somehow gets involved with an evil businessman. This evil ex-surfer is bent on getting Add to live in a reality TV house and put his likeness into a virtual surfing game. Add would rather surf real waves than virtual ones but unfortunately there's a wave drought all over the west coast. Does he go against the surf gods and sign with this gremmie, or does he remain true to the surfer (comma) dude image and wait patiently for some tasty waves?

The plot seems like something you might see on The Simpsons. I can totally see these people drawn as Groening characters. I can see the TV Guide entry now: Sunday, 6:30 pm. Matthew McConaughey guest stars. Bart needs to help him defeat Comic Book Guy, who wants to make a surfing videogame. The difference is that The Simpsons is a funny and intelligent show. Overall, this story was very obscure and for lack of a better word, minuscule. I wouldn't expect that of a feature length film.

The ending was extremely weak as well. Had this been a television show, I might be able to accept the ridiculousness of it. But this is a film, and after sitting for an hour-and-a-half waiting for the climax, you come to expect a little more. Add overcomes the evil businessman in such a simple way that you'd think a kid wrote it. And what happens is not even possible.

I can't really tell if this movie was meant to be funny. I think it's more attempted quirkiness. There were some humorous bits though. Add walks everywhere barefoot, so when the pavement is hot, he walks kind of funny. There was that, and um... some funny thing about goats. I didn't get it, but goats are funny. They eat cans.

McConaughey and Harrelson are pretty good at portraying the partying surfer duo, although, I don't think surfers smoke that much weed. They did a fine job and were quite funny. Add reminded me more of McConaughey's goofy role in Dazed and Confused rather than the A-list scarf-wearing charmer we've seen lately. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past? Really?

The actress who plays Danni, Add's girlfriend, is just awful. There's one scene where Add teaches her some cool surfer lingo. He explains that, "It's going off, dude," is a really cool thing to say when you're about to go surfing. Of course she repeats this back to him later on in the movie. But the way she says it is so corny and hilarious. You can really tell she's acting when she asks questions or makes sad faces.

Basically the movie isn't very good. It's dull, slow, and sometimes weird for the sake of weird. Some of the surfing shots are incredible. But it almost appears as if they were taken from other movies, like wild animal footage. I can't really say what they could do to improve the film, except for rewriting the story.

Oh, and the comma thing - Add is a "surfer dude", no comma. That should be the title. However, there's actually a line where Add says, "I'm a surfer, dude." So maybe the title was taken from half of that quote? Or the writer just likes punctuation. Either way it should have been called "Free Surfer", the name of the videogame. To me, that would have been the obvious choice. It references a major element in the story and is extremely meaningful. After all, Add just wants to be a surfer.

2 Surfers, dude.

Chick Flick Calculator, now online!

2009-06-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

Last month, I introduced my new invention, the Chick Flick Calculator. With some guidance from Fletch at Blog Cabins, I was finally able to get it posted online! Hooray - you can get this marvelous machine here.

Below are some movies commonly thought to be chick flicks. The results may be surprising, but remember, this is purely scientific... and you can't argue with science.

Chick Flicks:
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Devil Wears Prada
Terms of Endearment
Steel Magnolias
In Her Shoes

Not Chick Flicks:
Titanic
My Best Friend’s Wedding
Walk to Remember
The Notebook
The English Patient
Legally Blonde
Love Actually
Clueless

The Large Association of Movie Blogs

2009-06-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

Awesome. I am now a member of the Large Association of Movie Blogs. And it is large! I'm number 306. Check out all the fun reviews and articles from my new friends:

Hancock

2009-05-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

I realize that Hancock has been out for a while now, but I just watched it again on Starz, home of the hitz, and I feel the need to explain why I love it so much. Plus I didn't know what else to write about and I'm bored. I last saw Terminator Salvation and Star Trek and really don't feel like giving a negative review at the moment. Zing.

People didn't like Hancock because of the dramatic origin story tacked on the end. I, however, loved this ending. And it's really not tacked on at all. If you go back and watch the movie a second time, you'll notice little nuggets of origin from the very beginning.

According to me, there are two kinds of superhero movies. There's the origin story, like Spiderman, or any of the latest Marvel movies. Or there's the "continuing adventures of..." story which largely ignores any hero origin because it's not all that important to the plot. These can be superhero sequels, spoofs, etc.

Take a movie like The Incredibles, which I hated btw. There are no origins given. The characters are just super. And that's okay because it's not that kind of movie. The focus is on the present story, that whole retired-superhero-coming-out-of-retirement thing. It basically doesn't matter who they are or where they came from, the focus is on what happens when they get back to the hero business. However, if you leave out the origin story you better make sure your current story can stand on its own. In my opinion The Incredibles did not. They fight a bad guy. Awesome.

Now let's look at Hancock. You have a really funny story about a clumsy alcoholic superhero. He genuinely wants people to like him. He tries to help but just makes things worse. There is great action, great comedy, and some very touching moments. Will Smith is so perfect in this. He's goofy one minute and an action star the next. If you're thinking this sounds like typical Willienium-Era Will Smith you'd be wrong. This isn't Men in Black or Bad Boys. Hancock actually has some depth. Plus Will Smith has gained some biceps since those days, ladies. Jason Bateman is also funny in his dry Jason Batemanny way. Plus Charlize Theron is hot in some movies and this is definitely one of them. Basically, Hancock could do very well on its own, ignoring the origin. But, surprise there's a twist! We get an origin too. And it's original! He's not a mutant and he wasn't bitten by anything radioactive. It's creative and cool and hasn't been done before. I love Hancock and I'm not ashamed to say it. Even though that sounds dirty.

Let's see. What's next on Starz? Crazy Girls Undercover starring Nikki Ziering. Las Vegas strippers fighting terrorism. Am I that bored?

4 Awesome Eagles!!

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2009-05-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

I finally saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button this weekend. There's nothing like a three day break to catch up on movies. In the beginning, I had a few thoughts:

"This movie is awesome."

"That tiny old dude is adorable. Where can I get one?"

"I should really admit that Brad Pitt is my favorite actor. But what will my friends say?"

Then about half-way through, I started thinking:

"Man this movie is really boring."

"Cate Blanchett sure likes to 'sleep' with people."

"Shouldn't he have turned into a fetus?"

Benjamin Button held my attention for a little while. Brad Pitt's portrayal of the little guy was truly endearing. I've always been a fan of Brad Pitt and I feel bad for the guy sometimes. I think the Hollywood hype surrounding him takes away his credibility as an actor. I think I should probably just stop watching Access Hollywood. He really is a fantastic actor. In addition to playing this little kid in an old man's body, he's played some pretty off the wall characters: There's the goofy trainer from Burn After Reading, Tyler Durden in Fight Club, the twitchy schizophrenic in Twelve Monkeys, Mickey from Snatch, and my personal favorite, Floyd from True Romance. Pitt's performance in Benjamin Button is no exception. He's funny and doesn't take himself too seriously. Several of his scenes require him to act using only his face, which was digitally grafted onto a child's body. I imagine that would be pretty tough to pull off.

The special effects were amazing as well. We've all heard about how cool the age enhancement technology looked. But more than that, the environments were beautiful. When Benjamin is working on a tugboat, the ocean and sky around him look like something from a Broadway stage. The buildings during the downtown scene appear this way as well, and rather than cheapen the look of the film, they bring a fantasy/storybook feel to it.

But after a while, these things start to fade. The audience is constantly reintroduced to the same characters over and over again, year after year, and it kind of gets old. And I could not care less about Daisy, Cate Blanchett's character. She's not nice, she's not cute, and she seems so uninterested in Benjamin. I'm not sure if that was the intention, or if Cate just phoned it in. I usually like Cate so I was pretty disappointed.

Button was written for the screen by the same guy who wrote Forrest Gump. So one should expect a moving, meaningful film full of classic one liners and memorable quotes. I mean, "Life is like a box of chocolates," is probably one of the most famous movie quotes ever right? This time, we get, "You never know what's comin' for ya." What does that mean? Something is coming for me? Well what is it? Freddy Kruger? That line is so generic, they could have just said, "Something is going to happen," but nothing ever does. The viewer is constantly reminded that something is coming, but we're left wondering what it is. At the end there's a really corny moment where he reflects on all the people he's met implying they've influenced his life in a profound way. But he doesn't say how. And the reason he doesn't say how is because they really didn't.

Button had so much potential, but the story was lame. The special effects were amazing, and Brad Pitt was great. But there wasn't a plot. People come and go, Benjamin talks to them, and that's it. So rather than anticipating the next twist in the story, I found myself waiting for Benjamin to get older/younger to see what he'd look like. At one point they made him look so young, I swear they used scenes from this movie:

What is the dark side exactly, Brad? Having to wear sunglasses? Yeah, that's a drag. But you showed them! You are so rebel cool.

Here are some clips if you can stand it... The Dark Side of the Sun

Oh yeah, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button gets 3 diapers.

Chick Flicks

2009-05-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

I like movies. You probably know that. But seriously, I like them so much. I like them, like them, you know? It's like, I now pronounce you man and movies.

It's sad. I'll watch any movie, anywhere, anytime.

I'll even watch chick flicks. Now, most guys won't go near a chick flick. And that's their perogative. But it makes me sad to think of all the movies they're missing out on. Most guys don't really know if a movie is a chick flick or not. I imagine this is how most situations go down...

Sally: "Will you see a movie with me? It's about a girl that..."

Johnny: "No way!"

Seems like Johnny might have the wrong idea about Sally's movie. You see, most chick flicks are often confused with romantic comedies or dramas. And romantic comedies and dramas are perfectly watchable for men. But how can anyone really tell the difference? I present to you, The Good Indoorsman Chick Flick Calculator. Sally can use this to decide if her favorite movie is a chick flick, before making Johnny suffer through it. And Johnny can use this, entering information he gets from movie trailers, reviews, or from what their other couple friends have told them. How many times have you been on a double date, and the other couple tells you about this fabulous movie you just absolutely must see. Well now you can put them to the test.

You may have predicted that The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants was a chick flick, but here's the proof.

You may have thought A Walk to Remember was a chick flick, but you'd be wrong. See?

For each X in the first section, you add a point. For each X in the second section, you take away a point. All 8 factors can be found in chick flicks, but more or less of certain criteria defines the genre. If you have 3 or more points at the end, your movie is a chick flick. If you have 2 or less, your movie is perfectly dude-viewable.

The calculator is pretty self-explanatory, with the exception of "2 Sided Romance". Let me explain this. Romance is completely acceptable in a non-chick flick movie, so long as it is reciprocated on both sides for the majority of the film. It can be an off and on romance, which is typical of some romantic comedies, but the "girl-tries-to-get-guy-but-guy-doesn't-notice-her-boo-hoo", is not a 2 sided romance and therefore points to a chick flick.

Much love to my wife for being an Excel wiz. I will post the actual working calculator online as soon as I can figure out how to post things online.

Terrifying Family Films. Conclusion.

2009-04-28T06:06:00.001-07:00

So if I’ve learned anything by reflecting on my favorite childhood movies, it’s that I was a real wimpy kid. Here are some runner ups - see if you agree!

Popeye
I watched this movie constantly as a little sweet-pea. I had a weird thing for Shelley Duvall - she also did Fairy Tale Theater around the same time. But I hated the part where she and Popeye get taken down by the giant octopus. I never liked going underwater in swim class (never made it passed the guppy stage) and I certainly never liked swimming with octopi.

Spaceballs
This is not exactly a family film, I know. But I guess my parents thought, “Well he likes Star Wars, so why not? He won’t understand the racy jokes.” But I did! Anyway, remember Pizza the Hut? Funny right? Wrong. In his limo, the guy next to him starts eating him. And Pizza just laughs even though he’s being eaten.

Any movie with Jeffrey Jones
Jeffrey Jones appeared in several different 80's era movies. He’s a fine actor and all, but the characters he plays are awful. He’s best known for playing Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. This movie really isn’t for kids either I guess. I watched it pretty often though, and to this day Jeffrey Jones still gives me the willies. The scene where he’s all disheveled, creeping around the Bueller house is classic but it really freaked me out. Jeffrey Jones is also terrifying in Howard the Duck. He gets possessed by an evil alien and does a lot of twitching and spitting. Talk about typecasting.

The Incredible Hulk on TV
I had a reoccurring nightmare as a kid. One of my aunts turns into the Incredible Hulk and eats my mom.

The Great Outdoors
Nope. I wasn't scared of the grizzly bear. My parents had taped this movie off HBO. After the dance montage at the end, which I thought was just so hilarious, the tape went to static and then to a scene from Nightmare on Elm St. 3 where Freddy Krueger is holding up a human head.

the end.

Terrifying Family Films. Part 4.

2009-04-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

Superman 3
Superman 3 isn’t the worst Superman movie in the series, though it’s probably the second worst. At least it's better than Superman 4, you know, the one where the bad guy can’t move unless he’s in direct sunlight. There's a tough fight. Actually, one of the coolest moments in Superman history happens in part 3. In it, Clark Kent has to fight a dark version of Superman and that’s pretty sweet. Weird, illogical and impossible, but sweet!

"A little higher... riiight there..."

We’re also reintroduced to Clark’s high school girlfriend Lana. I never liked Lois Lane as a kid so Lana was a welcome change. I mean really, Superman has his pick of any woman on the planet and he chooses Lois Lane? The man-woman that works in his office? Don’t dip your pen in the company ink, Clark, especially ink that chain smokes and can’t spell! Lana is a much better choice even though she has a kid and an alcoholic boyfriend.
Also, without Superman 3, we wouldn't have the plot of Office Space. If you recall, the main character manages to steal billions of fractions of pennies from his company’s bank account. Gus Gorman, an amateur computer hacker played by Richard Pryor, manages to do this in Superman 3. Computers actually play a crucial role in part 3, and they aren’t looked at favorably. In fact, computers are downright evil here. Gorman steals money, he creates a kryptonite capable of turning Superman evil, and worst of all, he phishes your Myspace account and posts pictures of you on the toilet. He does all this using his state of the art Apple 2E. But the computer eventually fights back, and even turns an old lady into a robot. Yikes.
In the end, Superman must fight a super computer that Gus "creates". Before he can, one of the villains, a cranky old lady, gets sucked into it. If I were lame enough to have come up with this ridiculous plot sequence, I would have made the old lady fall into the big machine, disappear, and then emerge as a robot. This may have prevented a lot of nightmares. Instead, they show you her full transformation. The scene is actually quite disturbing and reminiscent of all those nasty torture scenes from Saw. First she tries to run, but gets sucked in by a laser beam. Then she screams and tries to wiggle free. Wires wrap around her face and pieces of metal attach to her body. It's noisy and violent and then suddenly she stops moving. Her eyes open and they're metal! Icky! Then the director gets a little confused - she walks out of the personal computing machine not like a robot, but like a zombie. And I think we can all agree that zombies are scary, especially for children.

Despite repeated warnings, Jeremy Piven continued eating fish.

Watch the whole scene here, and laugh at me for being scared by it. I swear man, it was scary in 1983!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFKJ144Yg9I

Terrifying Family Films. Part 3.

2009-02-21T14:15:00.000-08:00

Time Bandits

Terry Gilliam is one of the most creative visions of our time. His style is whimsical, and seriously demented. I enjoy all his films (excluding Tideland) and wait on fan-boy pins and needles for The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassas. And no that's not the sequel to Mr. Magorium's Magic Emporium; it's the movie everyone talked about when Heath Ledger died. Heath had already filmed some scenes for the movie when he died. Gilliam changed the entire theme of the movie, casting other actors to fill in as magic "personas" for Heath's character. Gilliam could have scrapped the scenes and started over with another actor, but Gilliam is just too cool.

Now, let's travel back in time and discuss one of Gilliam's first movies, Time Bandits. I stumbled upon this movie while vacationing with my family. I was six, and we were staying at a Holiday Inn 'Holidome' and I was in our room watching TV. I know what you're thinking and no, I didn't watch TV the whole trip. I also watched older kids playing Gauntlet in the arcade - for hours. Anyway, as I channel flipped, I came across some kind of adventure movie; something a little like Willow minus Val Kilmer. I settled in with a soda and candy from the vending machine. I did not sleep that night.

I actually really like this movie and, unlike the first two films I reviewed in this series, other people have seen it. Time Bandits is about a time-traveling group of little people. They carry with them a special time map, guiding them to famous treasures throughout history. They end up in the bedroom of a young boy - awkward - and take him along for the adventure. Now, that's how I understood it when I was a kid. But really these time bandits work for the Supreme Being, and they've escaped with his map. The bandits also battle it out with a guy named Evil. Evil is one scary dude. The young boy, Kevin, is ignored by his parents. They are obsessed with modern appliances and furniture. The movie is actually pretty epic and intelligent in it's view of modern times, or at least 80's materialism.

I watch this movie now with great affection. But watching then, as a little boy, I was quite mortified and bewildered. To summarize, I'll give you a list of the unpleasantries that freaked me out:

1) Everything, from setting to the costuming, is dirty, dark, and dismal. I appreciate the look of this film a lot more now. It's interesting and uniquely Gilliam; the appearance is similar to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. As a boy I just thought these people needed a bath.

2) The actors all talk funny. Be it English accents or mumbles, I had no idea what anyone said.

3) Mona from Who's the Boss is a cannibal.

4) Evil. He looks scary. He can make himself look even scarier. He turns people into animals when he gets mad. When he gets really mad, he blows them up (including a cute shaggy dog). He inflates. His fingertips come off to reveal guns. He turns into a knife-wielding carousel ride. And it's really hard to kill him.

5) Demonic monsters. Evil has a horde of really scary monsters working for him. We are not talking Decepticon scary. These things are straight out of Hellraiser.

6) Floating heads. The Supreme Being appears to the time bandits as a floating head. Imagine the Kryptonian judges from Superman I and II, only this floating head chases you.

7) Kevin is just wimpy and you know something bad is going to happen to him. You know those whiny little brats who are just asking for it? Well, I was that kid.

8) In the middle of the night, your closet could be a portal through which scary stuff comes out and chases you around. Well, I had a closet.

9) The Minotaur.

Mary Kate was really going to upset PETA this year.

10) People die. This brings me to my final point.

Now, normally I'm a strict non-spoiler. I won't give away endings even if you beg and plead because deep down I know you won't appreciate the climax/denouement/ending as much. Whether you're comfortable with this or not, you are in a symbiotic relationship with the movie. You are on a journey together. If you get to the destination without experiencing the journey, you've gained nothing. Even if the movie is terrible, there is just something universal and pure about reaching that end on your own. Would Everest really be as tall if you took a helicopter to the top?

However, Spoiler Alert.

I have to give the ending away in order to fully express how traumatizing this movie is. So look away if you must. At the end of the movie, when all is supposed to be good in the world - Kevin's parents explode. Kevin looks on in curiosity, but isn't particularly distraught. He just says, "Mum? Dad?" Now, if my parents exploded I'd be pretty messed up about it. And honestly, before I'd watched this scene, it never crossed my mind that I may one day be without them. Enter every kid's biggest fear. This scene really bothered me and even when I watch it now I feel icky.

Like I said, Time Bandits is a great movie, and I highly recommend it. Most of what was scary then, is comical now. It's meant to be humorous. But kids don't always comprehend that. So unless they're mature for their age, (Do they smoke pipes and read The New Yorker?) I'd maybe wait until your kids are a little older to let them see it. Unless, you want them to end up like this:

I wanted an ice cream cake!

If the Hollywood Video closed by you, watch it here.

Terrifying Family Films. Part 2.

2009-01-30T17:50:00.000-08:00

Dr. Otto and the Riddle of the Gloom Beam

When I was a kid, I used to love Ernest Goes to Camp. I rented it all the time. Most agree that it’s a real classic. I liked his other movies too – Ernest Scared Stupid, Ernest Saves Christmas, and the list goes on. For my 10th birthday party, my friends and I saw Ernest Goes to Jail at the theater. And then, when no one showed up to my 11th birthday party, I rented Sixteen Candles and ate a carton of Chunky Monkey. But before all those classics, Jim Varney (Ernest) starred in... something else.

In the early 80’s Jim Varney used the Ernest character in commercials for things like natural gas and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. He also made regular appearances on Fernwood Tonight and Pink Lady and Jeff. He was steadily becoming an A-List celebrity. Then, in 1985, Varney made his first movie: Dr. Otto and the Riddle of the Gloom Beam. The Ernest character appeared for only two minutes, but he’s all over the VHS box. You can imagine my excitement years after it's release, when I found this rare tape at our local video store. An Ernest movie I hadn’t seen! Was it new? How delightful! You can imagine my terror when I discovered that this movie wasn’t about Ernest at all. This was all about Dr. Otto, a demented freak bent on destroying the world's economy - with one disturbing birth defect. Dr. Otto, for some reason, has a hand growing out of his head.

KnowhutImean, Vern? Vern? Is that a tazer Vern?

I’m not even going to attempt to rehash the plot here. I haven’t seen Dr. Otto in 20 years, and all I remember are the torture scenes. That’s right. Apparently torture is a family value! Dr. Otto has a friend robot. The robot has a yellow smiley face painted on his metal head. And when Dr. Otto tortures him, the smiley face changes to a frowning face. That wasn’t funny to me - I remember feeling really sad for him.

Dr. Otto is cruel to everyone, including his friends. As a kid, I never understood why a supervillain would punish his minions. Wouldn't that just make them join the good guys? I don't remember Skeletor ever being mean to Beastman. And Shredder was certainly never mean to Bebop or Rocksteady. I guess Dr. Otto is just one bad mother.

Googling for pictures and clips, I'm seeing some pretty weird stuff. Scenes are littered with random bones, blood and snakes. It's as if someone told the prop guy to bring anything remotely scary from his garage and throw it around the set. The picture quality looks to be that of a snuff film. Dr. Otto even dresses like a pirate in one scene and acts inappropriately with a damsel in distress. All of this is just a bit too adult for a PG family movie. Seriously, where was the MPAA during the 80's?

And not that this adds to the frightening factor - but even the jokes were too adult for me to understand. Here's a gem: Dr. Otto is dressed as Auntie Nelda. This is another classic Jim Varney character - you know, the old lady that wears a neck brace. I always thought she was supposed to be Vern. She's not. The Vern factor still confuses me. The heroes of the story - middle aged Sesame Street rejects - stop by Nelda's house. Nelda gives them poisoned wine. The ditsy middle aged Sesame Street reject says, "I hope it's cold duck." Nelda, under her breathe, quips, "You would!" Hilarious. Especially for a kid. I drank a lot of wine as a child and to serve anything other than cold duck to your guests would be quiet an embarrassing faux pas.

If you'd like to watch this classic piece of cinema - you can have it when you purchase The Klutz starring Claude something. Bonus!

Your grandmother is buying you this for Christmas.

Terrifying Family Films. Part 1.

2009-01-25T09:35:00.000-08:00

The Peanut Butter Solution

I'm no psychologist, but I've read a few things about children and how they overcome fear subconsciously. When it comes to film, children will actually watch a movie over and over again if it scares them. Like I said, I'm not a child psychologist. I have no idea why kids do this. It's pretty weird. I do know that I watched movies constantly as a kid, and if it scared me, I watched it repeatedly. Maybe I was trying to understand the parts that scared me, or maybe I was trying to overcome them. In any case, I was obsessed with certain movies and a lot of them were absolutely terrifying. The funny thing is, these movies weren't meant to be scary. Take my first example... for example.

The Peanut Butter Solution. 1985.

The Peanut Butter Solution first aired in the United States on Nickelodeon - the familiest channel of all family channels. (Note: This was the 80's. The Family Channel did not exist.) The movie claims to be a comedy. It's nightmare-inducing. And from Canada.

This "kid's" comedy is about Michael; a young boy who misses his mum. Michael goes into an abandoned house for some reason. This house is known to shelter many many drunk homeless people. This is a family adventure after all. He gets scared by something - we're not told right away, but obviously dead homeless people are to blame - and his hair falls out completely. The boy cries for a very long time, bald and alone. Honestly he shouldn't be that sad - he'd been wearing a wig the whole time.

Bitch burnt my toast!

The homeless ghosts show up later and because they feel bad, give him a secret hair-growth solution. The magic ingredient? You guessed it. Peanut butter. It works so well that even his friend puts some on his crotch. Really Nickelodeon? His crotch?

Michael can't stop his hair from growing. It grows so long that wind knocks him down a lot and he has to tie it to the ceiling at night. He even gets suspended from school for having long hair. That is comedy. And not that I really need to mention it - the friend's hair grows too. And the viewers are treated to the image.

Michael's French art teacher decides that he can make money off Michael's hair. Somehow he makes magic paintbrushes that paint whatever he imagines. The art teacher kidnaps Michael, along with dozens of other children, and starts a kid-friendly sweatshop. That's not disturbing at all!

As this is a children's film, Michael defeats the art teacher, by making him see a dead homeless person as well. The art teacher loses his hair as well and the circle of life continues. Sorry for the spoiler, but good luck finding a copy of this movie.

There are several things that scared me about this movie, aside from the terrible film quality and acting. Overall it's just a weird weird movie. The story is weird, the actors are weird, and the music is weird. The abandonded house is dark and looming, but the way Michael enters it, is even scarier. He climbs a garbage chute up to a second story window and disappears inside. For some reason, I've always had this image in my head. My sister bought this movie for me recently and though I hadn't seen the movie in years, I knew the scene was coming. I don't even know why it scared me that much. I guess the act of climbing over garbage and up a splintery slide is pretty dangerous and when you're already afraid of heights and falling down things like I was (am), a garbage chute is pretty scary. Remember the trash compactor scene in Star Wars? Me too! I once had a dream George Wendt pushed me down an elevator shaft. This may or may not be related.

I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action
Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!

This movie is so full of frightening images, that while they probably aren't scary to us as adults, a kid sees them differently. Ghosts, scary houses, homeless people, trippy paintings drawn with human hair... it's all a bit much for a kid.

Click here to watch the video for Celine Dion's first English single, Listen to the Magic Man, unbelievably the theme of this movie. Chances are you've never even heard of the Peanut Butter Solution. But imagine if you'd seen this video first. You'd probably be a little confused.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4k8TpRDn6o

The King of Kong

2008-06-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

The King of Kong is a documentary about warring factions of video game nerds. Billy Mitchell has held the Donkey Kong record (and the same hairstyle) since the early 80's, and when Steve Wiebe, humble teacher and father of two, tries to beat that record, all nerd hell breaks loose. The record has consumed Billy’s life for the last 25 years, and it has shaped him into the pompous, feather-haired warrior that he is today. Everyone in the competitive video game world knows Billy, and no one would dare beat him at Donkey Kong. Steve Wiebe, after years of real-life failure, decides that he can beat that record. But Steve doesn’t belong to that world, and he doesn’t know what he’s gotten himself into. Hell hath no fury like a nerd scorned.
The documentary is entertaining, rather than informative. The film starts with a brief history of Billy Mitchell and how he achieves his golden god status. We meet Steve and his family, learn of his motivations, and the story begins. With the exception of interviews breaking in every so often, the film follows a narrative. The camera is there for every live moment.
Steve’s story is a great one. It’s hilarious and heartbreaking. The people he meets are so over the top, you’d think their parts were written for the screen. Yet, these are real people. This documentary wins due to the subject matter. My favorite is Brian Kuh, one of Billy’s cronies. He is so envious of Billy that he follows him like a puppy. He is constantly in defense of him and constantly doing his dirty work. He is the typical sidekick to a super villain; like Otis to Lex Luther, Muttly to Dick Dasterdly, and Grimace to Ronald McDonald. It is unbelievable that these aren’t cleverly written characters. These are real people in all their ridiculous glory. So real, in fact, that if you go on the IMDB message boards, you will likely find a few Billy Mitchell cronies lurking around, defending his actions in the movie.
This documentary is entertaining and very funny. You don’t even have to like video games to enjoy this movie. I was never a big fan of Donkey Kong, Pac Man, or any arcade game for that matter. My video game experience started at home with the Atari. Even if you're Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds, and would like nothing more than to destroy nerds, you will still appreciate the battle between Billy and Steve. The story is a classic one and epic on a smaller scale. I bet you could even get your girlfriend to watch - just don't squeal when they show the legendary "kill-screen" at the end of Donkey Kong. Nerd!

4 barrels of fun!

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

2008-06-13T09:07:00.002-07:00

Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a conniving addict, Ethan Hawke is a walking nervous breakdown, and Marisa Tomei is a naked person in this quite lengthy "dramaction". In the film, two brothers plan to rob their parents' jewelry store in order to solve their money problems, but alas, they mess it all up. And we have to watch the mess over and over again.
I have to admit, the first 6 hours of this movie were pretty good… but the last 10 were awful. I keep thinking of that line from The Jerk, where Navin says, "I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days." The movie is only two hours, but feels like a million.
I was okay with the beginning lasting so long. We're talking character development, interesting flashbacks, intense dramatic tension, and Marisa Tomei topless for a majority of the time. "I really like this movie," I said out loud. However, the second half took nine weeks and five days to end. I think I could have watched the entire Star Trek* series in the same amount of time and I'm quite sure I would have enjoyed myself more.
Don't get me wrong, I love me a good long movie - when it needs to be long. But if you can cram your story into a 90-minute timeslot, do it - especially if your movie is boring. I think Before the Devil Knows You're Dead should have been 15 minutes. If I did the math correctly, 15 minutes would have seemed like 90. Perfect.
Let me jump back and explain one of the major themes of the movie. We have a traditional crime story, but its parts are out of order. We see the end before the beginning - similar to Pulp Fiction. After we see each piece of the story, we flash back and witness the same story from other characters' perspectives until we have a good understanding of how each major character relates. Cool right? Like I said, the first half was cool, but then we begin to flashback into the lives of the minor characters. Maybe I'm on my own here but I really don't care what the neighbor's dog thought about Hoffman's pasty white ass. Of course it didn't care; it just wants a cookie. That doesn't really happen, but you get my drift. We see a lot of perspectives that don't really matter.
I do think the actors played their roles fairly well. That's a positive. Both Hoffman and Hawke were great as neurotic losers. I actually felt sorry for Hawke and the sour relationship he had with his daughter. But after a while I grew bored of that and tried to remember the other movies I liked him in. Remember Explorers? Good movie. Marisa Tomei just played a woman. But hats off to her… or should I say clothes off… nice.
The movie ends, eventually. And even though I was a little groggy from my nap, I started to get into the adventure again. The action started to pick up, tensions were mounting, and without giving too much away, I was impressed with the Shakespearean tragedy of it all. Maybe that gives too much away. C'est la vie.
But, of course, they made a huge mistake. They forgot about a character. Hawke runs away and… nothing. I realize that some writers assume they've written enough and they assume their audience is clever enough to figure out what happens. I really tolerate most open endings. I'm usually satisfied with my own interpretation of what happens. But what happened here? I can't think of anything plausible. Did Hawke build a spaceship with River Phoenix and blast off into space to find a crazy cartoon-obsessed alien? I don't think the writer intended for there to be such an open ending. I think he just wanted a cookie and forgot to finish the script.
Anyway this movie was so dull and felt so long that I died while watching it. And because it went on long after my demise, the Devil eventually found out.
*Star Trek is stupid.

2 Devils

Juno

2008-06-13T09:07:00.001-07:00

My wife and I waited a long time to see Juno. When we first saw the trailer, we both agreed that it looked cute and hilarious. Aside from waiting and never knowing when it would be released nearby, it was very much worth the wait. Juno is an exceptional film.
The movie centers on the title character, Juno, a bright girl that accidentally gets pregnant at age 16. She does so with the help of her best friend, Bleeker. Yet, there's no preaching here – the movie is unbiased in all aspects. The script pokes fun at both sides of the pro-choice/pro-life debate and never picks a side - Juno's choice is never really explained. The film isn't about whether her pregnancy was right or wrong or if she's making the right choices thereafter. It's really just a story about a girl thrown into an adult world and learning about love.
I really loved the characters in this movie. Each one brings something to the table, and each one has their share of funny one-liners. The movie is chock full of one-liners actually - Juno having the most. Most of her remarks are barbed and sarcastic. She tries to come off as tough and cool. On the inside, Juno is very sweet and can be hurt. Ellen Page does a wonderful job portraying this very complicated young girl.
Bleeker is played by Michael Cera. He's funny and perfect for the role. I imagine Cera is a lot like Bleeker. My only complaint is that he's on-screen for about 10 minutes. When Juno proclaims that he's "totally boss", we really never saw the evidence. The movie is mostly about Juno and the married couple – not about Bleeker.
My favorite character is played by Jennifer Garner, whom I usually don't like. Garner picks very traditional roles and, until this movie, hasn't displayed any acting talent. Sorry, that's harsh – I guess she was good in Dude, Where's my Car?. In Juno, Garner plays Vanessa, a wife longing to be a mother. Vanessa and Mark (Jason Bateman) want to adopt Juno's baby. Vanessa wants to be a mother so badly that she seems crazy at first. Garner does a brilliant job of altering the audience's perspective over time. After a while we start to feel bad for her. There is a very memorable scene where Vanessa tries to feel the baby kicking in Juno's tummy - in the middle of a shopping mall. The act very nearly crosses the line into creepiness, and had a lesser actor been involved it might have been odd. But instead we are given a very beautiful and sweet moment that almost brought me to tears. Almost.
The one little blemish on this picture actually annoyed me quite a bit. Music is a major theme in Juno. Juno and Bleeker share a love of punk rock. However, the soundtrack of the film is mostly folk and, although I hate to use the term, it's very "indie". Juno and Bleeker even sing a cute folk tune together. I think the folk music is perfect for the film, and the quirkiness of it represents the main characters well. I just don't understand why Juno needs to constantly make reference to 80's punk rock. It's so cliché to have a rebellious character enjoy and promote punk rock. Juno even lectures grunge rocker Mark, on how punk is better than grunge. If anything, she should have introduced a more current style of music to Mark, the folksy kind her band plays. I think that would have appropriately followed the generational theme of their scenes together.
Juno is a very good movie. It's sweet but not sappy, hilarious but not gross, and clever but not pretentious. Juno doesn't try to sway your opinion of teenage pregnancy – it's just a really good story.

4 delicious Slurpees

Tideland

2008-06-13T09:06:00.001-07:00

Tideland is a film by Terry Gilliam. I know this because Terry himself opens the movie with a disclaimer. He tells the audience that they will probably not like this movie. Well. Why the hell am I watching it then, Terry? Oh yeah, because you're Terry Gilliam, my third favorite director, and you've never disappointed me. Not even with the Brothers Grimm. Gilliam is also responsible for Twelve Monkeys, Time Bandits, Brazil, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and of course, all of the Monty Python movies.
Gilliam says that I won't like this movie because it's disturbing. It centers on a little girl who suffers many hardships. She lives in a dump. She has doll-heads for friends. She is ignored by her rock-star parents (except when they need her to prepare their heroin). I'd say that's pretty disturbing. But that didn't bother me. Gilliam's disclaimer should have said, "You won't like this movie because it is very boring."
Of course, there will be people saying that this is a masterpiece. Even I found myself making excuses for him. But it's honestly not Gilliam caliber.
I believe that the point of this film is to show how a little girl escapes her every day problems in a realistic modern way. While there are subtle references to Alice in Wonderland, I wanted this film to be Alice in Wonderland. I wanted the creepy little chick to go Where the Wild Things Are or to the Land of Oz. Gilliam is so great at creating worlds for kids to get lost in and crazy characters to get lost with. Tideland, however, really lacks that kind of imagination. She doesn't go anywhere but the field behind her house. She meets two pointless people (a slow aqua-nut and a bee-fearing ghost-lady) that don't teach her anything or provide any real escape. She plays with one of them, and imagines that the field is an ocean and that a nearby train is a big shark, but otherwise the characters just sort of exist.
I understand that the film is based on a book and that Gilliam chose to stay true to the story. There's just so much potential here; so much room to add that personal touch. The scenery was creepy and the ghost-lady reminded me of a Time Bandits character, but honestly this could have been directed by someone else and I'd never know the difference.
The movie is very gruesome, but like I said, it didn't bother me all that much. If you have a weak stomach I don't suggest watching the movie. One scene involves the taxidermy of a human. My only concern has to do with the production of this movie and its affect on a 10-year-old girl. How do you prevent a child from emotional distress when she is required to act in a scene where drugs and sex are involved? I only hope that the producers considered the girl's well-being. We all see what Full House did to the Olsen twins.
1 severed doll head.

Clerks II

2008-06-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

First, let me just say that I am actually a fan of Kevin Smith. I've seen all his movies. I own all his movies (Jersey Girl being the only exception). I know all about the ViewAskewniverse. So that's why it breaks my heart to give Clerks II, ahem, II thumbs down.
The film does approach some issues like ambitions and/or lack thereof, much like Clerks did. But Smith has pretty much replaced the spiteful sarcastic clerks we love, with perverted mockeries of them. It's like watching a film where all the characters are Jay, except for Jay – he's found Jesus.
The film begins during the original Clerks era. Dante and Randall leave the Quick-Stop to work at Mooby's restaurant, a Dogma reference (Love it!). Fast-forward to present day and Dante and Randall are still working at Mooby's. Where sharp-tongued criticism and annoying customers should be, only slightly amusing banter and disgusting jokes remain. One of the most disgusting things I have witnessed in a film appears in this very film. I'll devote an entire paragraph to that later.
The entire Clerks culture has changed in Clerks II. I think that Smith has lost touch with his original point: to make a funny movie based on truth. Rather than sit down and try to write intelligent criticism of small-town America like before, he has traded in his pen for a mad-libs book. (I suppose you still need a pen for mad-libs, but you get my point.) Take a plot we've seen hundreds of times, and insert a few names and dirty words.
The story of Clerks II is nice, but nothing new. Dante is getting married to Emma (played by a talent-less Mrs. Kevin Smith). But does he really love someone else? You got drama! The interesting thing is Randall's concern for his best friend. Even though Randall is fouler here than in the original, he also shows a little more heart. That was nice. I enjoyed that.
But now let me tell you what I did not enjoy.
Although there were some humorous moments, like the Star Wars vs. Lord of the Rings discussion, all the other bits were cheap and so over the top that they weren't funny. Was I really supposed to laugh each time a character said, "Ass to mouth?" There were dirty jokes in the original Clerks, sure, but they were quick and not as forced as they so obviously were here.
Speaking of dirty jokes taken way too far, let's discuss the donkey-sex. Did I miss the humor here? A man has sex with a donkey in a scene that lasts about 20 minutes. I recall something like this happening in the movie Bachelor Party, only it was implied, and the humor was how absurd the bachelor party could get. Obviously, the donkey-sex is simulated in Clerks II, but we are forced to see the facial expressions of the leather-clad donkey-rapist and hear pretty much everything. Not much is left to the imagination, and that's something I never wanted to imagine in the first place. The scene actually scared me. Is rape funny? Is animal abuse funny? It isn't funny; it's disgusting and wrong. Smith is better than this; he's smarter. He shouldn't be resorting to such cheap gross-out humor.
Smith has also left out something I'm surprised more of his fans aren't upset about. Even though this is a direct sequel, rarely is there a connection to his other films. The thing I enjoy most about Kevin Smith is his use of the View Askewniverse. The Askewniverse, named after his production company, is the universe that his stories live in. There are reoccurring characters, themes, and jokes, all centered in New Jersey. Each film references past, and even future films. It's a work of genius as far as I'm concerned. But since Clerks II barely makes a connection to the other films, I have a hard time considering this part of the View Askewniverse. Jason Lee, Ethan Suplee, and Ben Affleck all appear in this movie, but they don't play the characters they played before. I ask, why not? That would have made me laugh, at least three times.
There isn't even one comic book reference! Blasphemy!
Clerks II is pretty disappointing. If you are a fan of Clerks, don't expect to find the same cynicism and intelligence here; there isn't any. If you are a fan of donkey-rape, then maybe this movie is for you. Let's hope the Clerks Animated Movie is better.

1 sad little Mooby

Brick

2008-06-13T09:03:00.000-07:00

I should probably watch this movie again before I give it a grade, but, I don't feel like it. In fact, my lack of interest in this movie carries a heavy weight. The fact that I enjoy watching movies over and over again should tell you something; something other than me being a big nerd.
Brick is a Fox Focus feature starring Joseph Gordon Levitt as a fast-talking teen on a thrilling mission to find his missing ex-girlfriend. You may not remember him from the hilarious interstellar sitcom Third Rock from the Sun. Levitt was also in 10 Things I Hate about You, a Shakespearean tale for teens.
Brick, is a film-noir for teens. When I was in school, a lot of kids liked to drop the phrase "film-noir" whenever they talked about "film". While the word sounds cool and complicated, it's secretly an easy concept. Picture an old detective movie with guns, classy dames, and cigarettes. The atmosphere is always dark and gritty. There is always high contrast between the dark and light areas on screen – lots of shadows. The overall feeling is bleak and gloomy, and the characters seem lost in their webs of deceit. Those are the basics. Obviously, there is a little more to film-noir than those few things. Otherwise what would film students talk about?
Brick attempts all these aspects and is about half successful. The most obvious noir-ism presented here is the dialogue. In film noir, characters usually talk a certain way. It's overly dramatic, often over-explanatory, and sometimes slang replaces every day words. Brick does a lot of this, especially the slang. It's interesting at first, seeing high school students talk this way. You have to suspend reality a little to believe it, but you already do that with Laguna Beach. Trying to figure out what the Brick characters are saying is kind of fun. But, when you get to hour 2, it's a little trying. Levitt does a wonderful job of acting tough and bleak. He plays a very convincing angst-ridden teen. Levitt would be flawless, if not for the fact that he's so quiet. I believe the problem isn't of audio quality, but that his sentences are just too long and he's required too speak very quickly. As a result, all the slang is meaningless. Most of what Levitt says is plot summary. He's constantly updating the viewer on what he's doing and why. So because he's so quiet, the already confusing plot becomes even less clear.
The atmosphere of film-noir is my favorite aspect. I like how the directors play with shadows to create suspense. The majority of Brick takes place outside in the bright sunlight. The sun is so bright that the scenes are nearly bleached out. Is this a reversal of dark and light - using extreme lighting to replace extreme darkness? Perhaps… but I doubt it. Also, this movie is in color. I would have loved to see it in black and white.
There are two things I really like about Brick – the editing and the action. There is plenty of fist-fighting going on in this movie. Levitt gets knocked down about 20 times (Did someone say drinking game?). The way the fights are edited make them even more entertaining. I won't go as far to say they're Matrix style… but they aren't boring either.
The editing of the entire film is worth noting. There are lots of visually interesting flashbacks and dream sequences. I read somewhere that the editing was done on a personal computer. That's neat.
Overall, Brick is a decent movie. The concept was great - a detective story brought into the high school world. Of course, the story is entirely implausible, but I'm willing to set that aside for entertainment's sake. The action was great, the acting was pretty good, and there were a few funny jokes that made the movie watchable. I couldn't understand the entire plot though, and I still don't really get it. But if you're not willing to press the rewind button every few conversations and/or you're not willing to watch the movie a second time, I wouldn't bother. There are plenty of movies we all need to watch a second time to understand, but for me, Brick isn't one of them.
For a recent film-noir rent The Man Who Wasn't There or Memento.

2 bricks

The Last Kiss

2008-06-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

So one day Hollywood said, let there be a movie that resembles an independent film. Let it contain fresh young actors in dramatic poses set to "underground" music. Let it be based on a French film, only let's set it in Wisconsin. Let it be called The Last Kiss. And Hollywood saw that it was good. And so did I… for the most part.
Don't get me wrong. I liked this movie. The story was decent – nothing really brilliant until the very end. The cinematography was decent – a little overdramatic for that "indie" feel. But the reason I liked it, above all else, was the actors' ability to separate themselves from the characters we expect to see. And that's basically what this review will focus on.
We expect to see Zach Braff play someone eccentric. On the show Scrubs, Zach plays a silly, almost inhuman, cartoon character. In his film Garden State (The kind of movie Last Kiss wants to be) he plays the exact opposite - an overly medicated Debbie-downer. But can he play Michael, a normal guy, faced with normal conflicts? Yep, and he plays a pretty convincing one, which says a lot for someone who usually plays on the extreme.
There were several times where I wanted him to react a certain way, to shout or dance around. There were even several times where I wanted him to discuss his feelings in a hilarious internal monologue. But he held true to his character, and throughout the film we often wonder what he is thinking. In fact, there were several times when I shouted, "What are you thinking!?"
Sure, he's not the first actor to pick different roles for protection against typecasting. I'm not praising him on that aspect (although he is doing it early in his career - so kudos for that). I'm praising him because his performance in The Last Kiss is obvious proof of his range. Sometimes playing an average person is the hardest to pull off.
Rachel Bilsson's performance is worth praising as well. Her first lines of dialogue as Kim were a little bit "OC". You know the kind, a little overdone and phony. So at first I was a little disappointed. But as the film progressed, her dialogue became a little less forced and perhaps her character was only trying to impress the lead with her wit. The interesting thing, though, is that her collegiate character is more teen-like than her younger OC character. It would have been very easy to play Kim as she plays Summer on The OC. But where Summer is void of personality and true-age, Kim is the perfect example of a college girl. She's a little bit goofy, she's a little bit shy, she wants to be mature, she wants the older guy to like her, and without giving too much away, she thinks she knows how to get the older guy to like her. I sat down ready to dislike Kim, expecting her to be a deliberate home-wrecker. But she's really not. You truly feel sorry for her. My favorite scene involves a mixed CD, and the scene completely belongs to her. She's just so naive you want to cry.
Other than Zach and Rachel, no one else really shines as much, and there are a lot of actors in this movie. Jacinda Barrett plays Jenna, and she's okay. I can only compare her performance to her work in The Real World and, well, I guess this is better. She cries a lot and makes some interesting grunts, but otherwise her acting is just good, not wonderful.
This large cast I mentioned before is required because of all the side-stories. My guess is that these stories were in the original French film. But even so, they just weren't fleshed out here. I walked away wondering what the point of it all was. Were they added to make the movie longer? Maybe the main story didn't fill the hour and a half time slot. Really, I think that these extra characters and stories were included to contrast Michael's life. Their lives were a little crazy, whereas Michael was bored. Enter Michael's motivation.
Casey Affleck's story is touching, but pointless as far as I'm concerned.
Eric Christian Olsen is funny as Kenny, but again, pointless. In fact, his scenes are quite raunchy and would be better off on the cutting room floor (Maybe they can add them back later for the Uncut DVD release!) They made me feel icky.
The story of Jenna's mother and father, played by Blythe Danner and Tom Wilkinson, is interesting. And it does tie in with Jenna's motivations. I like that. We often see a woman scorned, and see the standard reaction. Here, the mother's actions have a significant affect on Jenna's behavior.
You do care about the majority of the characters in the film. I related to them and this was do largely in part to the actors, not necessarily the writing. You have to start with a good screenplay and good dialogue obviously, but in this film the actors truly make the characters real and make the movie good.
The soundtrack left much to be desired and I even cringed when I heard Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek." I love her, and I love the song, but enough already. How many times can we use this song whilst pretty actors do something depressing on screen? Coldplay even appears on this soundtrack. Nuff said.
Like I said before this film wants to be another Garden State. Which is fine. But I guarantee you, at some point during the filmmaking, some studio executive saw some dailies and shouted "Oooh! That's so Indie!" And that's lame.

I give it… 3 kisses.