Sunday, July 26, 2009

Movies That Should be Video Games - Labyrinth

Labyrinth – Jareth’s Revenge!

WARNING: The following game summary is very nerdy. Actually it borders on fan fiction. And that really scares me. This summary got way out of control. Please believe me when I say that I am not a complete emo-nerd and I don’t shop at Hot Topic. Read on if you dare… I hope I don’t lose the 7 followers I have.

If you told me that you wouldn’t buy this game, I’d call you a liar. I bet you’d preorder it too, just to get the free t-shirt. Labyrinth is everyone’s favorite movie - everyone’s. It’s a true classic, and unlike every other classic movie, it hasn’t been sequeled, spun-off(?), or rebooted.
So, let me be the first to sequel/spin-off/reboot the movie with a 3D adventure game.

Labyrinth – Jareth’s Revenge is a video game sequel to the movie. The story takes place after the events of the Labyrinth movie. When I was 7, my neighbor tried to convince me that there was in fact a Labyrinth 2. I was so excited. Every time I went to the local video store after that, I asked Todd if Labyrinth 2 was in. He would politely say, “No, not yet,” and pat me on the head. I always liked Todd. One day, his dad Norm was filling in. Because Norm is a dream-crusher, he told me Labyrinth 2 didn’t exist and never would! I ran home crying - true story. The following is a little story I came up with during a lifetime of wishing for a Labyrinth 2.

Sara is now 30 and a single mother. Due to her experiences in the goblin kingdom, she’s very protective of her baby, Paul. Forgive the name, I couldn’t think of a good one. Toby, Sara’s little brother, is 15 now and very mischievous. He runs around the house acting like a monster and constantly annoys his parents. They send him to Sara’s house for a weekend visit. Sara, still unhappy with her parents, gets easily frustrated with Toby and ignores him to care for her own baby. Toby gets jealous and locks himself in her bedroom. Bored, he looks through her things and finds the Labyrinth storybook that she carried with her in the film. With it, he is able to summon the goblins to take little Paul away. As Sara frantically tries to unlock her bedroom door, a white owl flies through the hallway and into the nursery. And of course, when she runs into the nursery, Paul is gone. The windows are open, and a goblin is sitting on the windowsill. He says something like, “We took yo babay!” Sara karate chops it in the head.

Sorry, my nerd alert was going crazy and I had to man up a little.

Anyway, both Sara and Toby go to the Goblin Kingdom to get Paul back. Jareth greets her at the entrance in a “Bwa ha ha, we meet again,” kind of way. Sara is all like, “You again! I thought I killed you!” And Jareth goes, “Not really - you said I didn’t have any power over you and I was like, whatever, I need to go, I have a pot pie in the oven.” Jareth informs her that this time he won’t be so easy on her. He needs Paul and won’t give him back.

Sara begins her adventure through the labyrinth and thus, the game begins. The labyrinth is more immense than the one in the film because Jareth has added on – he’s on his third mortgage. There are several ‘levels’ comprised of different mazes and more villages. Sara is equipped with a princess wand she keeps in her bedroom. In the beginning, all she can do is strike down enemies, but as she progresses, she receives upgrades and magic abilities. Fancy. Toby follows close behind her throughout the maze, but soon falls down a pit. Sara continues without him and when she completes the level, the player assumes the role of Toby. He needs to complete an entirely different series of underground levels to get back to Sara. The player switches between them every time a level is complete. Toby meets a “friendly” goblin in one of the underground caves. This goblin claims to have gone AWOL from Jareth’s army. Since Toby is defenseless, the goblin gives him a weapon. I can’t think of a good name for it now, so let’s call it a Snatcheroo. Basically, it's a magic wand that shoots out a beam of light and sucks the goblins up.

Dude, seriously this is getting so nerdy. I need to take a break. Beer! Chicks! Football! Home remodeling projects!

Ok - only a few more details to go. As Sara progresses through the labyrinth she encounters old friends and new. She can use their abilities for assistance. Ludo can call rocks and wipe out goblin armies; Sir Didymus can swordfight on the back of his dog Ambrosius. (Um - kind of sad that I don’t need to look up their names.) And of course Hoggle kills fairies and pees in public.

After puzzles, traps, mazes, and crazy creatures that try to take her head off, Sara makes it to the center of the Labyrinth. Jareth is there, waiting for her, with Toby standing next to him in a goblin suit of armor. Jareth reveals that it was him in the underground system. He gave Toby the Snatcheroo. Jareth is getting older and consequently weaker. The goblins down there had revolted and were planning to overthrow Jareth. Disguised as the old goblin, Jareth used Toby to capture them. The plot thickens – Jareth explains that the labyrinth affected Toby when he was there as a baby, and even when he returned home. This is why Toby was so mischievous. Jareth intended for Toby to find Sara’s book and call the goblins. He planned the entire thing so that Toby would return. Jareth needs a successor as goblin king. Sara thinks he is talking about Toby and says, “Fine, you can have him.” But Jareth explains that only a true heir can be king, and that Paul is actually his son. Saucy - somebody call Maury. I haven’t worked out those details but I’m thinking Sara drank a little too much vino at the masquerade ball.

The final stage begins, Sara must fight her way through the Escher maze again, this time it’s crawling with baddies. I think this level would be killer and reminiscent of Super Mario Galaxy. The maze would turn Sara upside down and you’d never know which way was up. Totally awesome. When Sara reaches Jareth at the top, she must actually fight him. By this point she should have a full arsenal to combat his magic balls. Once he’s defeated, Toby turns back into a human, and he and Sara bring Paul home safe.

Sheesh. That was exhausting. I may have to discontinue the movie/video game thing.

After some research I discovered there have actually been at least two games made based on this movie. Below are some screen captures from them. Apologies to anyone who owns the copyrights... not because I'm using them, but because your games look lame and mine rules.

Hmmm...Who is responsible for that not-so-subtle graffiti? Hoggle looks suspicious.

Who is this dude? What is that furby looking thing? And what the hell is going on in the woods back there?!


B-Movie Becky said...

This post is hilarious. Those stills are awesome!

I just found your site and I really like it.

I handed out an award to your blog on my site. Check it out:

Hopefully, I'll see some more posts!

Fletch said...

I just wanted to say...I haven't seen The Shining, and I didn't care for Labyrinth enough to think about it after I'd seen it (that's what happens when you see it for the first time at 30, I suppose), but...

I love the idea of this series. Keep 'em coming.

Geof said...

Jeff - I'd totally played that game. And I am also really surprised that made not only one but two of them.

Funny stuff!!!


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