2.) At one point in the film, Ralphie’s teacher Miss Shields and his mom are dressed as a witch and a harlequin and proceed to make fun of him. I hated this scene. If you can’t trust your mom or your teacher, who can you trust?
3.) If you can watch A Christmas Story without feeling a little anxiety when Scut Farkus comes around, you probably are Scut Farkus. If so, stay far away from me because you are absolutely grotesque. The braces, freckles, and yellow eyes - yikes! And you’re so mean. Making kids cry, shame on you. As horrible as you are, Ralphie’s final battle with you is glorious.
4.) Some of you may not recall this absolutely terrifying scene, however, I can quote every line. After Ralphie say’s “Fudge” (And by the way, did any kid understand this joke? I did not. For many years I thought Fudge was a swear word.) Anyway, his mother puts soap in his mouth and then asks where he heard the particular word. Ralphie totally narks on his buddy Schwartz. Mrs. Parker calls Schwartz’s mom. Mrs. Schwartz freaks the fudge out, and we listen as she beats him. "Ahhh what'd I do mom!? What'd I do!?"
5.) Finally, and the most horrible of all, the tongue on the frosty pole scene. The lead up to this scene is tense, but it’s not scary. The triple-dog-dare is mean, but not scary. The fact that all Flick’s friends leave him stuck to the pole and not inform anyone of his predicament is sick, but not scary. The scary part, the scariest part of the whole movie, is when they bring Flick back inside and he’s got gauze on his tongue. However, as a kid, I was convinced that the firemen had ripped off half his tongue, and the white stuff was the inside of his tongue. What a great Christmas movie mom and dad!
All kidding aside, I love this movie. A Christmas Story is one of America’s most cherished films and I watch it all day on Christmas just like the rest of you. The bunny pajamas, Randy in his huge coat, the crummy commercial for Ovaltine, and of course the leg lamp are all iconic film moments all surprisingly found in the same movie. How can one movie have so many great scenes? I think we've all seen this movie so many times we forget how truly great it is. I wish I could go back and watch it for the first time all over again.
the end.
"A little higher... riiight there..."
We’re also reintroduced to Clark’s high school girlfriend Lana. I never liked Lois Lane as a kid so Lana was a welcome change. I mean really, Superman has his pick of any woman on the planet and he chooses Lois Lane? The man-woman that works in his office? Don’t dip your pen in the company ink, Clark, especially ink that chain smokes and can’t spell! Lana is a much better choice even though she has a kid and an alcoholic boyfriend.
Also, without Superman 3, we wouldn't have the plot of Office Space. If you recall, the main character manages to steal billions of fractions of pennies from his company’s bank account. Gus Gorman, an amateur computer hacker played by Richard Pryor, manages to do this in Superman 3. Computers actually play a crucial role in part 3, and they aren’t looked at favorably. In fact, computers are downright evil here. Gorman steals money, he creates a kryptonite capable of turning Superman evil, and worst of all, he phishes your Myspace account and posts pictures of you on the toilet. He does all this using his state of the art Apple 2E. But the computer eventually fights back, and even turns an old lady into a robot. Yikes.
In the end, Superman must fight a super computer that Gus "creates". Before he can, one of the villains, a cranky old lady, gets sucked into it. If I were lame enough to have come up with this ridiculous plot sequence, I would have made the old lady fall into the big machine, disappear, and then emerge as a robot. This may have prevented a lot of nightmares. Instead, they show you her full transformation. The scene is actually quite disturbing and reminiscent of all those nasty torture scenes from Saw. First she tries to run, but gets sucked in by a laser beam. Then she screams and tries to wiggle free. Wires wrap around her face and pieces of metal attach to her body. It's noisy and violent and then suddenly she stops moving. Her eyes open and they're metal! Icky! Then the director gets a little confused - she walks out of the personal computing machine not like a robot, but like a zombie. And I think we can all agree that zombies are scary, especially for children.
Despite repeated warnings, Jeremy Piven continued eating fish.
Mary Kate was really going to upset PETA this year.
10) People die. This brings me to my final point.
Now, normally I'm a strict non-spoiler. I won't give away endings even if you beg and plead because deep down I know you won't appreciate the climax/denouement/ending as much. Whether you're comfortable with this or not, you are in a symbiotic relationship with the movie. You are on a journey together. If you get to the destination without experiencing the journey, you've gained nothing. Even if the movie is terrible, there is just something universal and pure about reaching that end on your own. Would Everest really be as tall if you took a helicopter to the top?
However, Spoiler Alert.
I have to give the ending away in order to fully express how traumatizing this movie is. So look away if you must. At the end of the movie, when all is supposed to be good in the world - Kevin's parents explode. Kevin looks on in curiosity, but isn't particularly distraught. He just says, "Mum? Dad?" Now, if my parents exploded I'd be pretty messed up about it. And honestly, before I'd watched this scene, it never crossed my mind that I may one day be without them. Enter every kid's biggest fear. This scene really bothered me and even when I watch it now I feel icky.
Like I said, Time Bandits is a great movie, and I highly recommend it. Most of what was scary then, is comical now. It's meant to be humorous. But kids don't always comprehend that. So unless they're mature for their age, (Do they smoke pipes and read The New Yorker?) I'd maybe wait until your kids are a little older to let them see it. Unless, you want them to end up like this:
I wanted an ice cream cake!
If the Hollywood Video closed by you, watch it here.
KnowhutImean, Vern? Vern? Is that a tazer Vern?
I’m not even going to attempt to rehash the plot here. I haven’t seen Dr. Otto in 20 years, and all I remember are the torture scenes. That’s right. Apparently torture is a family value! Dr. Otto has a friend robot. The robot has a yellow smiley face painted on his metal head. And when Dr. Otto tortures him, the smiley face changes to a frowning face. That wasn’t funny to me - I remember feeling really sad for him.
Dr. Otto is cruel to everyone, including his friends. As a kid, I never understood why a supervillain would punish his minions. Wouldn't that just make them join the good guys? I don't remember Skeletor ever being mean to Beastman. And Shredder was certainly never mean to Bebop or Rocksteady. I guess Dr. Otto is just one bad mother.
Googling for pictures and clips, I'm seeing some pretty weird stuff. Scenes are littered with random bones, blood and snakes. It's as if someone told the prop guy to bring anything remotely scary from his garage and throw it around the set. The picture quality looks to be that of a snuff film. Dr. Otto even dresses like a pirate in one scene and acts inappropriately with a damsel in distress. All of this is just a bit too adult for a PG family movie. Seriously, where was the MPAA during the 80's?
And not that this adds to the frightening factor - but even the jokes were too adult for me to understand. Here's a gem: Dr. Otto is dressed as Auntie Nelda. This is another classic Jim Varney character - you know, the old lady that wears a neck brace. I always thought she was supposed to be Vern. She's not. The Vern factor still confuses me. The heroes of the story - middle aged Sesame Street rejects - stop by Nelda's house. Nelda gives them poisoned wine. The ditsy middle aged Sesame Street reject says, "I hope it's cold duck." Nelda, under her breathe, quips, "You would!" Hilarious. Especially for a kid. I drank a lot of wine as a child and to serve anything other than cold duck to your guests would be quiet an embarrassing faux pas.
If you'd like to watch this classic piece of cinema - you can have it when you purchase The Klutz starring Claude something. Bonus!
Your grandmother is buying you this for Christmas.
I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action
Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
This movie is so full of frightening images, that while they probably aren't scary to us as adults, a kid sees them differently. Ghosts, scary houses, homeless people, trippy paintings drawn with human hair... it's all a bit much for a kid.
