Movies That Should be Video Games - The Shining

Ok, let's get nerdy shall we?

Sometimes when I watch a movie, I think, "Wow - this would make a sweet game." I imagine that quite a few people do this. Otherwise, we wouldn't have brilliant games like Wayne's World or ET. Sadly, I seem to have grown out of video games. I have a Wii, but I usually play Mario. I love Mario. I just don't really like recent video games. Somehow all the game companies have managed to turn modern warfare and pimping into children's entertainment. But I digress. What follows is a synopsis of one game I'd probably play.

The Shining is my favorite scary movie of all time, and I always think how awesome it would be to visit that hotel and get freaked out of my mind. Since the real hotel is in Colorado, and probably not half as scary as the Overlook, why not go there virtually! "The Shining - The Game", as I call it, will emerse the player in the hotel and pit you against ghosts, monsters, and of course, Jack Torrance. The Shining will be a survival-horror game in the spirit of Resident Evil or Silent Hill. You play as little Danny Torrance and your goal is to survive your stay at the Overlook Hotel. The hotel is entirely free-roaming. Some doors are locked and you have to find keys or solve puzzles to get through them. And of course, you collect pieces of the hotel map to move further into the game. As you play the game, you encounter several past guests of the hotel. Some are good, and offer hints or useful information. Some are bad and want you to play with them forever and ever! Danny doesn't die when the ghosts get him because he's just a kid and that would be kind of inappropriate. I like to think that he becomes trapped in the hotel forever when it's game over.

Come play Nintendo with us, Danny

Danny is assisted by three additional characters. His mommy, Wendy Torrance, initiates the game with Danny. She gives him simple missions to accomplish, but soon he's on his own. Mr. Hallorann shows Danny how to 'shine', or communicate with ghosts and the hotel itself. Hallorann's head pops into the scene, most likely in a cloud, to share hotel history or offer helpful hints. Tony, the little boy that lives in Danny's mouth, speaks to Danny when there's a clue or unlocked door nearby. Danny makes choices involving these three people, and if he makes good choices, they will come to him in times of danger. For example, if you help Wendy cook lunch or something early on in the game, she will show up later with the baseball bat. If you eat ice cream with Hallorann, he might show up later on the snowcat.

Danny also encounters Big Papa Torrance who is slowly losing his marbles. At first, Jack Torrance is calm and just a little weird - he poses no threat to Danny. But after a while, the hotel starts to "affect" him. Jack Torrance randomly jumps in and out, kind of like Jason in the old Friday the 13th game, and throws axes at Danny. I won't cheapen the film by providing Danny with any weapons, though. Danny uses skill and tricks to avoid Jack and the ghosts, or hides in nearby closets. Whenever Jack is nearby, Tony shouts, "Redrum!"

Danny also receives special power-ups along the way, like his ability to shine. He can tune into other people's thoughts, speak to ghosts, and sense danger. He may also receive the "pestering child" power, with which he asks silly questions of adults. This is Jack Torrance-repellant. And if that's not enough, he can throw his school papers all over the floor, which Jack will slip on. Danny's most powerful tool however, is the Big Wheel. He receives this from his mother for successfully completing some preliminary missions. Danny can find upgrades (bumper stickers, special wheels, NOS, etc.) throughout the hotel. As an added bonus, the game will feature special mini-games for multiplayer action - such as hallway racing.

Prepare to qualify!

Through all the puzzles and missions, Danny starts to realize what's happening to his dad, and who the responsible party is. Once the mystery is solved, Jack loses it completely and chases Danny through the bathroom window and into the hedge maze outside. The game's final level would take place in this hedge maze. You'd have to solve the maze while avoiding Jack. I would also like to suggest we take something from the book as well, and throw some topiary animals in the mix. They come to life and also chase poor Danny. When you reach the end of the maze alive, and Jack freezes to death in the snow, you win. But of course, there's plenty of replay value thanks to all the great mini-games!

Bonus Mini-Games!!!
Hallway racing
Hedgemaze
Snowcat obstacle course
Library wall-ball
Typing tutor

Captain EO

I've been reading a lot of blogs about Michael Jackson lately. People have a lot of great memories to share. I wanted to jump on that bandwagon and share my favorite MJ memory. Like most people, I associate Michael with my childhood. I remember watching the Beat It and Billy Jean videos on Dtv (Disney's music video show). I can also remember singing The Girl is Mine into a hairbrush at my friend's house. I always sang Paul McCartney's part. My friend was a much better Michael - all crotch grabbing aside.
But my favorite memory is of Captain EO. If you're unfamiliar, which is possible, Captain EO was a 3D movie featured at Disney World's Epcot Center, starring Michael Jackson. I loved this movie. The 3D effects fascinated me - I remember everyone in the theater reaching out to grab the little flying furball thing. I was obviously really into Star Wars at the time too, so I appreciated the Star Wars feel to it.
I have to say though, the spider-woman really freaked me out. If this were a real movie, I'd add it to my Frightening Family Films list. I remember taking my 3D glasses off every time she came on screen. But then, the blurriness made her look even scarier! My mom made it all better by buying me a little Captain EO Mickey Mouse toy.
Anyway, I found this on Youtube. Enjoy!

Part 1...



Part 2...

It's Like That... Only Different

Ever watch a movie and think, "This is kinda like that other movie... but not really?" Have you gotten the feeling that whoever made the movie you're watching was somehow inspired by some other movie?

I’d like to try a new feature. Well, actually I’d love to start a “movie night” thing of sorts where we’d watch two “similar but different” movies, but A, I don’t have any friends that like movies, and B, I don’t have any friends. So for now, I’ll just mention in passing that I love movie nights, and if anyone wants to be friends and come over, let me know, and I’ll ask my wife.

The "It's like that... only different," feature will highlight two movies, maybe more (that's right Iceman, I am dangerous) that have absolutely nothing to do with each other but will complement each other well when watched back to back.

Let's give it a shot. This pair actually gave me the idea for the topic.

Harold and Maude / Charlie Bartlett

Harold and Maude is one of my top ten favorite movies (see list at right). When I watched Charlie Bartlett recently I couldn't help but think of H and M. Story-wise, these two couldn't be more different. Harold doesn't sell prescription medication to achieve popularity and Charlie doesn't hook up with any saucy old chicks. Nevertheless, there's just something about these flicks that tie them together.

Harold and Maude is about a young man who is so obsessed with the idea of death that he regularly attends funerals for people he doesn't even know. He's not suicidal, but enjoys playing morbid pranks on his mother. The mood is dark but hilarious. His life changes when he meets Maude, a woman on the verge of her 80th birthday. She embraces all sides of life, the happy and the sad, and shows Harold what it means to be alive. And I know the whole thing about a 20 year old with an 80 year old is weird and maybe a little gross, but have an open mind. The movie isn't really about that. It's not like that movie you rented last month when your parents were away. What was that called, "Cougars on the Prowl 6?" Maude has lived a long time and experienced moments of joy and sadness. That's the key. I imagine that, if this were to be remade, they'd cast Cameron Diaz and through some plot-dialogue simply announce that she's been through a lot and it would all be very convincing I'm sure. Harold and Maude is a funny and brilliant film. From the shocking first scene to an even more unexpected ending, it's truly an emotional ride.

Charlie Bartlett is about a troubled high school teen who wants nothing more than to be worshipped by his peers. His mother thinks all his problems can be solved with therapy and prescription meds. This provides Charlie with a means to make friends. He holds therapy sessions and sells medication out of the boy's bathroom. It's not entirely plausible, but makes for a pretty good story. It's funny and touching and Robert Downey Jr. plays a great drunk.

I will bet you five dollars that the creator of Charlie Bartlett likes the movie Harold and Maude. I won't say that he ripped off H and M because the stories are nothing alike. But I can definitely say that he was inspired by it. Everything about Charlie Bartlett echoes H and M. The characters are quirky and the locales are vintage. Both mothers are snobbish, entitled, and proper, and they have no idea how to raise a son. They also dress alike even though they live decades apart. Harold and Charlie are polite and calm and have this creepy yet endearing stare. The boys also thrive on rebellion and crave attention from their mothers. These two movies have an odd sense of humor and over-the-top supporting characters. While often dark and dreary, some shared spirituality and romanticism make both films very uplifting.

And if those similarities weren't enough...

Harold and Maude - If You Want to Sing Out

Charlie Bartlett - If You Want to Sing Out

So, if you're in the mood for a different kind of movie night, try these two. They are both hilarious and heart-warming. While they are each unique in their own right, they complement each other perfectly. At the end, discuss the similarities over some pie and coffee. Harold and Maude should go first, in case you're the easily bored type. I want you to at least see the one on my top ten list.

Fanboys

I was born in 1980, right at the heart of the Star Wars phenomenon. Like most guys my age, I grew up with Star Wars, and obsessed over it. I had all the toys, and sold them to a friend who made a killing on Ebay. I had Return of the Jedi sheets, and destroyed them at a high school toga party. I was Luke Skywalker for Halloween, but I won’t say how old I was.

Fanboys is about a group of twenty-somethings who are even bigger geeks than I am. They are so obsessed in fact, they turn to a life of crime. One of these guys, Linus, is terminally ill and has waited years for the release of Episode I, The Phantom Menace. The group decides they have to steal a copy of The Phantom Menace from Skywalker Ranch before its release. Linus must see the movie before he dies.

Fanboys combines the all American road movie with Star Wars. It has its share of standard road movie adventure, plus there are many great references and hilarious discussions regarding the series. Real fanboys will love this movie just for the subject matter; but it’s not only for fans. The characters don’t take themselves too seriously. They are fully aware of their nerd-oriety and this will entertain the non-fans. However, they appear less nerdy than the Trekkers they often encounter; Star Trek fans who want to stop the fanboys in their quest. Some folks might not get the inside jokes, but I’m sure they’d find the characters and situations hilarious.

This movie reminded me a lot of Detroit Rock City, and not only because Sam Huntington stars in both. I loved Detroit Rock City. There are plenty of great references and jokes about Kiss, but the movie is funny on its own. The things that happen to the kids along their journey are pretty outrageous. Fanboys is successful in that way too.

The main characters in Fanboys are all over 21. I loved that. To write them as high school kids would have been cliché and that would have killed one of the major themes. Eric (Sam Huntington) has basically “grown up” in the story. He’s thrown away his comics and ditched his friends who are stuck in their childish ways. The others still collect comics, worship Star Wars and refuse to grow up. Writing them as twenty-somethings made the story much more convincing.

I would have liked to see a couple things fixed. The movie is scored with cheesy adventure music similar to the classic John Williams theme. It wasn’t very good and they shouldn’t have tried to pull it off. It reminded me of the Star Wars episode of That 70’s Show and sounded like that rights-free music you can buy for a dollar. I understand if they couldn’t get the actual theme (I hope they tried) but they should have left the goofy adventure music out.

There were also dozens of great cameos from past Star Wars actors. I could list them here, but that would ruin the fun. However, there’s one very important cameo missing, and I consider that a real travesty. Hint - he has a beard.

4 light up sword thingies

Surfer, Dude

Having not seen a single preview for this movie, my sole reason for watching it was to find out what that comma is doing in the title. I'm still not entirely convinced.

Surfer (comma) Dude stars Matthew McConaughey, Woody Harrelson, and, because there's weed, Willie Nelson. McConaughey plays a famous surfer named Steve "Add" Addington. Add makes his money on surfboard endorsements but somehow gets involved with an evil businessman. This evil ex-surfer is bent on getting Add to live in a reality TV house and put his likeness into a virtual surfing game. Add would rather surf real waves than virtual ones but unfortunately there's a wave drought all over the west coast. Does he go against the surf gods and sign with this gremmie, or does he remain true to the surfer (comma) dude image and wait patiently for some tasty waves?

The plot seems like something you might see on The Simpsons. I can totally see these people drawn as Groening characters. I can see the TV Guide entry now: Sunday, 6:30 pm. Matthew McConaughey guest stars. Bart needs to help him defeat Comic Book Guy, who wants to make a surfing videogame. The difference is that The Simpsons is a funny and intelligent show. Overall, this story was very obscure and for lack of a better word, minuscule. I wouldn't expect that of a feature length film.

The ending was extremely weak as well. Had this been a television show, I might be able to accept the ridiculousness of it. But this is a film, and after sitting for an hour-and-a-half waiting for the climax, you come to expect a little more. Add overcomes the evil businessman in such a simple way that you'd think a kid wrote it. And what happens is not even possible.

I can't really tell if this movie was meant to be funny. I think it's more attempted quirkiness. There were some humorous bits though. Add walks everywhere barefoot, so when the pavement is hot, he walks kind of funny. There was that, and um... some funny thing about goats. I didn't get it, but goats are funny. They eat cans.

McConaughey and Harrelson are pretty good at portraying the partying surfer duo, although, I don't think surfers smoke that much weed. They did a fine job and were quite funny. Add reminded me more of McConaughey's goofy role in Dazed and Confused rather than the A-list scarf-wearing charmer we've seen lately. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past? Really?

The actress who plays Danni, Add's girlfriend, is just awful. There's one scene where Add teaches her some cool surfer lingo. He explains that, "It's going off, dude," is a really cool thing to say when you're about to go surfing. Of course she repeats this back to him later on in the movie. But the way she says it is so corny and hilarious. You can really tell she's acting when she asks questions or makes sad faces.

Basically the movie isn't very good. It's dull, slow, and sometimes weird for the sake of weird. Some of the surfing shots are incredible. But it almost appears as if they were taken from other movies, like wild animal footage. I can't really say what they could do to improve the film, except for rewriting the story.

Oh, and the comma thing - Add is a "surfer dude", no comma. That should be the title. However, there's actually a line where Add says, "I'm a surfer, dude." So maybe the title was taken from half of that quote? Or the writer just likes punctuation. Either way it should have been called "Free Surfer", the name of the videogame. To me, that would have been the obvious choice. It references a major element in the story and is extremely meaningful. After all, Add just wants to be a surfer.

2 Surfers, dude.

Hancock

I realize that Hancock has been out for a while now, but I just watched it again on Starz, home of the hitz, and I feel the need to explain why I love it so much. Plus I didn't know what else to write about and I'm bored. I last saw Terminator Salvation and Star Trek and really don't feel like giving a negative review at the moment. Zing.

People didn't like Hancock because of the dramatic origin story tacked on the end. I, however, loved this ending. And it's really not tacked on at all. If you go back and watch the movie a second time, you'll notice little nuggets of origin from the very beginning.

According to me, there are two kinds of superhero movies. There's the origin story, like Spiderman, or any of the latest Marvel movies. Or there's the "continuing adventures of..." story which largely ignores any hero origin because it's not all that important to the plot. These can be superhero sequels, spoofs, etc.

Take a movie like The Incredibles, which I hated btw. There are no origins given. The characters are just super. And that's okay because it's not that kind of movie. The focus is on the present story, that whole retired-superhero-coming-out-of-retirement thing. It basically doesn't matter who they are or where they came from, the focus is on what happens when they get back to the hero business. However, if you leave out the origin story you better make sure your current story can stand on its own. In my opinion The Incredibles did not. They fight a bad guy. Awesome.

Now let's look at Hancock. You have a really funny story about a clumsy alcoholic superhero. He genuinely wants people to like him. He tries to help but just makes things worse. There is great action, great comedy, and some very touching moments. Will Smith is so perfect in this. He's goofy one minute and an action star the next. If you're thinking this sounds like typical Willienium-Era Will Smith you'd be wrong. This isn't Men in Black or Bad Boys. Hancock actually has some depth. Plus Will Smith has gained some biceps since those days, ladies. Jason Bateman is also funny in his dry Jason Batemanny way. Plus Charlize Theron is hot in some movies and this is definitely one of them. Basically, Hancock could do very well on its own, ignoring the origin. But, surprise there's a twist! We get an origin too. And it's original! He's not a mutant and he wasn't bitten by anything radioactive. It's creative and cool and hasn't been done before. I love Hancock and I'm not ashamed to say it. Even though that sounds dirty.

Let's see. What's next on Starz? Crazy Girls Undercover starring Nikki Ziering. Las Vegas strippers fighting terrorism. Am I that bored?

4 Awesome Eagles!!

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I finally saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button this weekend. There's nothing like a three day break to catch up on movies. In the beginning, I had a few thoughts:

"This movie is awesome."

"That tiny old dude is adorable. Where can I get one?"

"I should really admit that Brad Pitt is my favorite actor. But what will my friends say?"

Then about half-way through, I started thinking:

"Man this movie is really boring."

"Cate Blanchett sure likes to 'sleep' with people."

"Shouldn't he have turned into a fetus?"

Benjamin Button held my attention for a little while. Brad Pitt's portrayal of the little guy was truly endearing. I've always been a fan of Brad Pitt and I feel bad for the guy sometimes. I think the Hollywood hype surrounding him takes away his credibility as an actor. I think I should probably just stop watching Access Hollywood. He really is a fantastic actor. In addition to playing this little kid in an old man's body, he's played some pretty off the wall characters: There's the goofy trainer from Burn After Reading, Tyler Durden in Fight Club, the twitchy schizophrenic in Twelve Monkeys, Mickey from Snatch, and my personal favorite, Floyd from True Romance. Pitt's performance in Benjamin Button is no exception. He's funny and doesn't take himself too seriously. Several of his scenes require him to act using only his face, which was digitally grafted onto a child's body. I imagine that would be pretty tough to pull off.

The special effects were amazing as well. We've all heard about how cool the age enhancement technology looked. But more than that, the environments were beautiful. When Benjamin is working on a tugboat, the ocean and sky around him look like something from a Broadway stage. The buildings during the downtown scene appear this way as well, and rather than cheapen the look of the film, they bring a fantasy/storybook feel to it.

But after a while, these things start to fade. The audience is constantly reintroduced to the same characters over and over again, year after year, and it kind of gets old. And I could not care less about Daisy, Cate Blanchett's character. She's not nice, she's not cute, and she seems so uninterested in Benjamin. I'm not sure if that was the intention, or if Cate just phoned it in. I usually like Cate so I was pretty disappointed.

Button was written for the screen by the same guy who wrote Forrest Gump. So one should expect a moving, meaningful film full of classic one liners and memorable quotes. I mean, "Life is like a box of chocolates," is probably one of the most famous movie quotes ever right? This time, we get, "You never know what's comin' for ya." What does that mean? Something is coming for me? Well what is it? Freddy Kruger? That line is so generic, they could have just said, "Something is going to happen," but nothing ever does. The viewer is constantly reminded that something is coming, but we're left wondering what it is. At the end there's a really corny moment where he reflects on all the people he's met implying they've influenced his life in a profound way. But he doesn't say how. And the reason he doesn't say how is because they really didn't.

Button had so much potential, but the story was lame. The special effects were amazing, and Brad Pitt was great. But there wasn't a plot. People come and go, Benjamin talks to them, and that's it. So rather than anticipating the next twist in the story, I found myself waiting for Benjamin to get older/younger to see what he'd look like. At one point they made him look so young, I swear they used scenes from this movie:

What is the dark side exactly, Brad? Having to wear sunglasses? Yeah, that's a drag. But you showed them! You are so rebel cool.

Here are some clips if you can stand it... The Dark Side of the Sun

Oh yeah, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button gets 3 diapers.

Terrifying Family Films. Conclusion.

So if I’ve learned anything by reflecting on my favorite childhood movies, it’s that I was a real wimpy kid. Here are some runner ups - see if you agree!

Popeye
I watched this movie constantly as a little sweet-pea. I had a weird thing for Shelley Duvall - she also did Fairy Tale Theater around the same time. But I hated the part where she and Popeye get taken down by the giant octopus. I never liked going underwater in swim class (never made it passed the guppy stage) and I certainly never liked swimming with octopi.



Spaceballs
This is not exactly a family film, I know. But I guess my parents thought, “Well he likes Star Wars, so why not? He won’t understand the racy jokes.” But I did! Anyway, remember Pizza the Hut? Funny right? Wrong. In his limo, the guy next to him starts eating him. And Pizza just laughs even though he’s being eaten.

Any movie with Jeffrey Jones
Jeffrey Jones appeared in several different 80's era movies. He’s a fine actor and all, but the characters he plays are awful. He’s best known for playing Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. This movie really isn’t for kids either I guess. I watched it pretty often though, and to this day Jeffrey Jones still gives me the willies. The scene where he’s all disheveled, creeping around the Bueller house is classic but it really freaked me out. Jeffrey Jones is also terrifying in Howard the Duck. He gets possessed by an evil alien and does a lot of twitching and spitting. Talk about typecasting.

The Incredible Hulk on TV
I had a reoccurring nightmare as a kid. One of my aunts turns into the Incredible Hulk and eats my mom.

The Great Outdoors
Nope. I wasn't scared of the grizzly bear. My parents had taped this movie off HBO. After the dance montage at the end, which I thought was just so hilarious, the tape went to static and then to a scene from Nightmare on Elm St. 3 where Freddy Krueger is holding up a human head.

the end.

Terrifying Family Films. Part 4.

Superman 3
Superman 3 isn’t the worst Superman movie in the series, though it’s probably the second worst. At least it's better than Superman 4, you know, the one where the bad guy can’t move unless he’s in direct sunlight. There's a tough fight. Actually, one of the coolest moments in Superman history happens in part 3. In it, Clark Kent has to fight a dark version of Superman and that’s pretty sweet. Weird, illogical and impossible, but sweet!

"A little higher... riiight there..."

We’re also reintroduced to Clark’s high school girlfriend Lana. I never liked Lois Lane as a kid so Lana was a welcome change. I mean really, Superman has his pick of any woman on the planet and he chooses Lois Lane? The man-woman that works in his office? Don’t dip your pen in the company ink, Clark, especially ink that chain smokes and can’t spell! Lana is a much better choice even though she has a kid and an alcoholic boyfriend.
Also, without Superman 3, we wouldn't have the plot of Office Space. If you recall, the main character manages to steal billions of fractions of pennies from his company’s bank account. Gus Gorman, an amateur computer hacker played by Richard Pryor, manages to do this in Superman 3. Computers actually play a crucial role in part 3, and they aren’t looked at favorably. In fact, computers are downright evil here. Gorman steals money, he creates a kryptonite capable of turning Superman evil, and worst of all, he phishes your Myspace account and posts pictures of you on the toilet. He does all this using his state of the art Apple 2E. But the computer eventually fights back, and even turns an old lady into a robot. Yikes.
In the end, Superman must fight a super computer that Gus "creates". Before he can, one of the villains, a cranky old lady, gets sucked into it. If I were lame enough to have come up with this ridiculous plot sequence, I would have made the old lady fall into the big machine, disappear, and then emerge as a robot. This may have prevented a lot of nightmares. Instead, they show you her full transformation. The scene is actually quite disturbing and reminiscent of all those nasty torture scenes from Saw. First she tries to run, but gets sucked in by a laser beam. Then she screams and tries to wiggle free. Wires wrap around her face and pieces of metal attach to her body. It's noisy and violent and then suddenly she stops moving. Her eyes open and they're metal! Icky! Then the director gets a little confused - she walks out of the personal computing machine not like a robot, but like a zombie. And I think we can all agree that zombies are scary, especially for children.

Despite repeated warnings, Jeremy Piven continued eating fish.

Watch the whole scene here, and laugh at me for being scared by it. I swear man, it was scary in 1983!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFKJ144Yg9I

Terrifying Family Films. Part 3.

Time Bandits

Terry Gilliam is one of the most creative visions of our time. His style is whimsical, and seriously demented. I enjoy all his films (excluding Tideland) and wait on fan-boy pins and needles for The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassas. And no that's not the sequel to Mr. Magorium's Magic Emporium; it's the movie everyone talked about when Heath Ledger died. Heath had already filmed some scenes for the movie when he died. Gilliam changed the entire theme of the movie, casting other actors to fill in as magic "personas" for Heath's character. Gilliam could have scrapped the scenes and started over with another actor, but Gilliam is just too cool.

Now, let's travel back in time and discuss one of Gilliam's first movies, Time Bandits. I stumbled upon this movie while vacationing with my family. I was six, and we were staying at a Holiday Inn 'Holidome' and I was in our room watching TV. I know what you're thinking and no, I didn't watch TV the whole trip. I also watched older kids playing Gauntlet in the arcade - for hours. Anyway, as I channel flipped, I came across some kind of adventure movie; something a little like Willow minus Val Kilmer. I settled in with a soda and candy from the vending machine. I did not sleep that night.

I actually really like this movie and, unlike the first two films I reviewed in this series, other people have seen it. Time Bandits is about a time-traveling group of little people. They carry with them a special time map, guiding them to famous treasures throughout history. They end up in the bedroom of a young boy - awkward - and take him along for the adventure. Now, that's how I understood it when I was a kid. But really these time bandits work for the Supreme Being, and they've escaped with his map. The bandits also battle it out with a guy named Evil. Evil is one scary dude. The young boy, Kevin, is ignored by his parents. They are obsessed with modern appliances and furniture. The movie is actually pretty epic and intelligent in it's view of modern times, or at least 80's materialism.

I watch this movie now with great affection. But watching then, as a little boy, I was quite mortified and bewildered. To summarize, I'll give you a list of the unpleasantries that freaked me out:

1) Everything, from setting to the costuming, is dirty, dark, and dismal. I appreciate the look of this film a lot more now. It's interesting and uniquely Gilliam; the appearance is similar to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. As a boy I just thought these people needed a bath.

2) The actors all talk funny. Be it English accents or mumbles, I had no idea what anyone said.

3) Mona from Who's the Boss is a cannibal.

4) Evil. He looks scary. He can make himself look even scarier. He turns people into animals when he gets mad. When he gets really mad, he blows them up (including a cute shaggy dog). He inflates. His fingertips come off to reveal guns. He turns into a knife-wielding carousel ride. And it's really hard to kill him.

5) Demonic monsters. Evil has a horde of really scary monsters working for him. We are not talking Decepticon scary. These things are straight out of Hellraiser.

6) Floating heads. The Supreme Being appears to the time bandits as a floating head. Imagine the Kryptonian judges from Superman I and II, only this floating head chases you.

7) Kevin is just wimpy and you know something bad is going to happen to him. You know those whiny little brats who are just asking for it? Well, I was that kid.

8) In the middle of the night, your closet could be a portal through which scary stuff comes out and chases you around. Well, I had a closet.

9) The Minotaur.

Mary Kate was really going to upset PETA this year.

10) People die. This brings me to my final point.

Now, normally I'm a strict non-spoiler. I won't give away endings even if you beg and plead because deep down I know you won't appreciate the climax/denouement/ending as much. Whether you're comfortable with this or not, you are in a symbiotic relationship with the movie. You are on a journey together. If you get to the destination without experiencing the journey, you've gained nothing. Even if the movie is terrible, there is just something universal and pure about reaching that end on your own. Would Everest really be as tall if you took a helicopter to the top?

However, Spoiler Alert.

I have to give the ending away in order to fully express how traumatizing this movie is. So look away if you must. At the end of the movie, when all is supposed to be good in the world - Kevin's parents explode. Kevin looks on in curiosity, but isn't particularly distraught. He just says, "Mum? Dad?" Now, if my parents exploded I'd be pretty messed up about it. And honestly, before I'd watched this scene, it never crossed my mind that I may one day be without them. Enter every kid's biggest fear. This scene really bothered me and even when I watch it now I feel icky.

Like I said, Time Bandits is a great movie, and I highly recommend it. Most of what was scary then, is comical now. It's meant to be humorous. But kids don't always comprehend that. So unless they're mature for their age, (Do they smoke pipes and read The New Yorker?) I'd maybe wait until your kids are a little older to let them see it. Unless, you want them to end up like this:

I wanted an ice cream cake!

If the Hollywood Video closed by you, watch it here.