The Lovely Bones

I feel like there’s been a rash of stinkers lately; a lot of movies I thought I’d enjoy but didn’t. Am I expecting too much? Have I become too cynical? Do I get too excited about movies, walking myself into the inevitable disappointment? I think the more disappointed I am in Hollywood, the more excited I get about future releases, and then of course I’m let down again. It’s a downward spiral. I refuse to be cynical, though. Conan O’Brien told me not to be. So, I’m just gonna keep on looking forward to movies and not let those let-downs bother me. So, Lovely Bones, you have no power over me!

This movie sucked - for real. I know respectable movie critics should use smarter words than that, but it’s the only word I can think of. It sucked me in with fabulous previews and Imogen Heap songs. It sucked me in with, “A Film by Peter Jackson”. And then, inevitably, it blew. This was the film equivalent of that old sideshow act, Man Eating Chicken. You think there’s some crazy chicken in there eating people, but it’s really just some man eating fried chicken.

Peter Jackson is a talented epic director; the Lord of the Rings series, The Hobbit, King Kong – all epic movies. The Lovely Bones, to me, is a small story, centered on the lives of a small family in a small town. I’m sure the producers chose Jackson as director with the heaven sequences in mind. It seems like he focused more on CGI than on developing an actual story. The characters were not developed, the pacing was slow, and there wasn’t any excitement. I understand the story is a somber one, but in any drama we need a little tension or pieces of a puzzle coming together.

As an audience, we see melancholy moment, followed by weird heaven stuff, and then back to melancholia. And we have no idea what is even going on up there in heaven. Did Susie Salmon take the red pill and travel to Strawberry Fields? Seriously, heaven looked ridiculous. I felt like I was watching my sister’s Lisa Frank trapper keeper come to life.

Not really my sister.

I guess there is the argument that since it was Susie’s heaven, she would see images like that being a fourteen-year-old girl. But according to Susie’s weird little friend, she’s not in heaven. Apparently it’s the “in-between”. So is it her subconscious making these images appear? Not sure. I think Jackson should have scrapped the fancy schmancy heaven stuff and taken a minimalistic approach. I picture that episode of Family Ties when Alex’s friend dies in the car accident. The two of them talk and reflect on life on an empty stage. This produced the opposite effect that The Lovely Bones did. The audience has no choice but to reflect on the stories being told.

I also had issues with these two side characters that I assume had bigger roles in the book. There’s the dreamy older boy, Ray, and the psychic girl, Ruth. Neither of them is developed nor do they add anything to the story.

"You are beautiful Susie Salmon, by the way did you do my history homework?"

Susie apparently loved Ray, and Ray apparently loves Susie. I didn’t really buy that. He looks more like her principal. After Susie dies, she sees Ray in her In-Between (ha ha). There is one ridiculously cheesy moment when Susie finds him waiting for her by a lake, and his face reflects off the water. It looks more like something out of Twilight than anything I’d expect from Peter Jackson.

I expected Ruth to be an interesting character, but she added absolutely nothing. I thought for sure she’d help Susie’s family solve the mystery, but she doesn’t. She just sees Susie sometimes and is like, “Oh weird. Hey Susie.” The only time Ruth uses her mad ghost whispering skills is at the end, and it’s probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen in any movie ever. Imagine if the movie Exorcist mated with an episode of Saved by the Bell. This scene would be that couple’s baby. It's a very ugly baby.

The other characters, while on screen more frequently, aren’t all that interesting either. Mark Wahlberg plays a concerned dad who misses his daughter. That's great but I think if I were looking for my daughter I’d be randomly punching people on the street until they confessed, not just kinda moping around like a sad sack. Rachel Weisz plays the mother, but she’s barely in the movie. That’s disappointing because she is attractive. Susan Sarandon is a fine actress but her part as the grandmother was just irritating and didn’t fit the movie.

There were just too many unlikable elements in The Lovely Bones. I’m extremely disappointed that I didn’t like it. The only positive thing about this movie is Stanley Tucci. What a guy. I swear, I’ve liked every one of his roles – even in The Devil Wears Prada. He's really good in this and is extremely creepy. So, Stanley, you earned The Lovely Bones one sticker. Congratulations.

I've waited forever for a reason to post this:

Movies That Should be Video Games - Shoot 'Em Up

You may have noticed that I took a small break from the Movies --> Video Games feature for a little while. I’ll have to do this from time to time to prevent any nerd stigma that may attach itself to The Good Indoorsman. With that said, I’m back with another movie that should become a video game. And this one should be nerd-free. It’s a fun film that is straight-up action and manliness all the time.

Shoot 'Em Up is one of the coolest movies I’ve ever seen and for some reason hardly anyone I know has seen it. I’ve seen it mentioned out here in the blogosphere, but we watch movies constantly so we’ve pretty much seen them all. The truth is, while Shoot 'Em Up is good, it’s not for everyone. Like moms for example. I made my mom watch it, and while she appreciated the art-factor, I don’t think she cared for all the dead people. There’s also a baby involved which might cause squeamishness. I have to admit, I saw this movie before and after we had a baby, and each time I had a different perspective. So moms shouldn’t watch this movie or play my game adaptation. But moms really don’t play video games anyway, unless you consider Farmville a video game.

Shoot 'Em Up actually plays out just like a game. I’m actually surprised no one has adapted it yet. Hang on – let me Google just to make sure. Ok, I googled. We’re clear.

Player 1

Just in case you haven’t seen the movie, Clive Owen plays Mr. Smith; just some guy who’s really good with a gun. We don’t really learn too much about him. He ends up having to protect a baby while a crazy hitman (Paul Giamatti) and an army of bad guys chase him. Mr. Smith is chased through so many different locations, or like in a video game – stages. There’s the abandoned building where he finds the little baby, and the church/brothel where Smith enlists the help of his lactating prostitute girlfriend. Then there’s the car chase, the skydiving shoot out, and the final battle at the Hammerson gun factory. All of these scenes will be featured in the game. I imagine the skydiving scene will be particularly awesome. I’d also like to utilize the Wii-Zapper somewhere. Maybe there can be a stage like House of the Dead; Smith walks through the streets while bad guys jump out of windows and all you have to do is aim and fire.

Each stage will be filled with baddies, kind of like Double Dragon, where an infinite number of villains slowly walk in from the left and right side of the screen. The difference is that Shoot 'Em Up - The Game will be 3D and the baddies are faster and don’t have names like Blade, Dagger, and Knife.

Because the theme of Shoot 'Em Up is shooting things, there will be plenty of guns to pick up. In the movie, Hammerson Inc. creates all kinds of advanced weaponry, so in the game I imagine you’d be able to use these guns and more, maybe even some that shoot lasers. At one point in the movie, Smith makes his girlfriend hide out in a tank with the baby. I’d like to see Smith take the reigns of this tank and totally destroy everything in sight.

Carrots are a running gag in Shoot 'Em Up. Not only do they help Smith with his eyesight, they provide a comical allusion to the hunted, Bugs Bunny, and the hunter, Elmer Fudd. In the game Smith will be able to collect carrots to enhance his eyesight, shooting skills, and health. An added bonus is that when Smith is without a gun, he can throw carrots at his enemies and possibly poke them in the eye.

Smith will also need to protect the baby throughout the game. Don’t worry moms, the baby never dies, but if he isn’t fed he cries and alerts the bad guys. So, remember - keep the lactating prostitute girlfriend alive too.

Don't cry little pouty-face...

Shoot 'Em Up - The Game, like the movie, will be action packed, hilarious, and stylish. Like I said, I can’t believe it isn’t already a game. The phrase Shoot 'Em Up was even coined as genre of video game. So let me play already!!

(500) Days of Summer (being a pain in the ass)

Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) wants nothing more than to find the love of his life. One day Tom meets Summer (Zooey Deschanel) and he spends 500 days trying to romantically and comically win her over. Well, that’s what I thought was going to happen. In reality, Tom and Zooey start dating immediately and the audience is witness to their off-and-on again relationship.

I really thought I’d love this movie - it looks like a JLG movie for sure. It’s one of those movies I’d consider buying without even having seen it – I was that sure. It’s promoted as an off-beat, non-chick-flicky love story. It looks original and artistic, and stars the love of my movie-watching life, Zooey. But to be honest, I didn’t really like it that much. I liked it a little bit, for a couple reasons, but otherwise it’s not what I expected.

The two things that really separate (500) Days of Summer from other romantic comedies are its visual styling and its non-linear story. It’s filmed and edited beautifully. Tom is an architect at heart and his passion for cityscapes comes out in the scenery throughout the entire movie. We see the city as Tom sees it, which is nice. There are even times when the city becomes Tom’s personal sketch, and it erases around him when he is sad. There are plenty more visual metaphors where that comes from and they are great. I especially loved seeing Tom and Summer in the French film montage.

The plot is told in a non-linear fashion. We kind of start at the end, when Summer and Tom have already ended things. Then we jump back to the beginning to see how they began. It’s similar to Pulp Fiction, only before every “chapter”, we see a number. This number is one day, out of the 500, in the couple’s relationship.

For me, this worked and it didn’t. I understand why they did it – we’re able to see little eccentricities of their relationship in before-and-after scenarios, rather than having the cute little inside jokes brought up every once in a while, and possible overlooked. It makes the little parts of their life stand out and I think we get to know them a little better. However, because they flip from the salad days to the sour days, back and forth, we see Summer as nice, and then not nice. She is such a pain in the ass during those last days, but because we keep going there, it seems like she’s a pain all the time and it made for a very negative movie. And the thing that bothered me most, is that there isn’t really any reason for her to be so mean to Tom. Other than the narrator telling us in the beginning that Summer doesn’t believe in love thanks to her parents’ divorce, we don’t have any clue as to why she’s a beeotch. And furthermore, why does Tom stay with her at all? There isn’t much chemistry between them other than a shared love for art and “indie” music.

Now, if there’s one thing I hate more than a movie-snob, it’s a music snob. But even worse are pretentious hipsters pretending to be music snobs. “I like a band you never heard of, and I wear scarves, therefore I am better than you.” This is the feeling I get with Tom. He’s a nice guy, and all, but he’s borderline snobby. That’s cool though, because he’s a character. What aggravates me is when a screenwriter creates a character like that in the hopes of making them unique and deep. It doesn’t work - they’re off-putting. I’d much rather watch a character that enjoyed what everybody likes – an everyman.

(500) Days is funny at times, but Gordon-Levitt’s character is the only funny one. He's actually a really funny and versatile actor. There are a couple characters, Tom’s friends, who were obviously written in for comic relief – but they’re really not that funny and they’re barely in the movie. This movie is more depressing and heartbreaking than funny.

Visually, (500) Days of Summer is stunning. There are great music montages and pretty clever metaphors. The soundtrack isn’t bad, but as much as I love Zooey’s singing voice, I really wish she’d sing something less Lawrence Welky. The problem with (500) Days is that it really lacks substance. In its attempt to profoundly shed light on fate-versus-coincidence, it misses the mark by not developing the relationship or the characters in it.

3 Summers

The Wackness

There are a lot of great movie titles out there – names you really have to think about, or names that sum up the entire story in one word without giving anything away. Good writers should put just as much effort into their titles as they do their scripts. The Wackness is one of those perfect names where at first you think, “Well that’s different, but it’s kind of vague, I wonder what this movie is all about?” And then you watch it and realize, that title is freaking perfect.

The Wackness is the often funny, sometimes sad story of Luke Shapiro (Josh Peck) and his best friend/psychiatrist, Dr. Squires (Ben Kingsley). Luke is a recent high school graduate dealing with some sadness in his life and dealing marijuana on the streets of New York City. He visits Dr. Squires on a regular basis, not only for therapy sessions, but to sell him weed. Over time, the two of them become very close. They even make each other mix tapes.

Luke characterizes himself as a loser, and it sounds like he’s been one his whole life. He’s never had a girlfriend and the only friends he has are his clients. His home life is nothing spectacular either – his parents act like children and Luke needs to assert himself as man of the house. Dr. Squires is also a loser. His wife no longer loves him and he’s heavily medicated. His life is dull and he craves the excitement of adolescence. The Wackness is the classic story of two friends who both want what the other should have at their age. The theme isn’t exactly new – old guy teaches kid and kid teaches old guy – but the characters and the story are refreshing. This is not Tuesdays with Morrie.

Luke is played by Josh Peck, an actor previously associated with Nickelodeon shows like Drake and Josh. I’ve never seen the show, but I have a feeling that Luke Shapiro is a far cry from any character Josh has played before. At first he appears to be a little shady and perhaps womanizing, but we come to know him as a sensitive young kid in an adult world. He’s just looking for love. Josh plays this character so perfectly, the audience understands exactly what he’s going through. Another actor may have portrayed Luke in a Jay and Silent Bob kind of way.

Ben Kingsley’s performance is even more incredible. I’ve really only seen him in serious roles so Dr. Squires was definitely a surprise. He’s not an average psychiatrist to say the least. He’s off-the-wall and hilarious and he wants to experience everything that Luke does. His simple view of the world is naïve and charming. I love the way he talks to Luke and his one-liners are fantastic. Like a kid, he just doesn’t care if his actions get him into trouble and that makes for some pretty funny scenes.

There are so many pieces of this movie that just make you feel good. I loved some of the sequences and animations that take place in Luke’s head. My favorite scene is when Luke is just so overwhelmed with love he channels his inner Michael Jackson. Even when things look bleak for these two guys, you come away with a feeling that even though things might suck right now, those things only make you better.

The Wackness is just a fun movie that made me feel good. Some may come away with a totally different perspective because the subject matter is pretty adult and there are several tense scenes. But I think the point here is that we encounter sadness in our lives everyday, it’s part of life. We have to take the wackness with the dopeness.







4 mix tapes

Movie Franchises That Confuse the Hell Outta Me.

When I was a boy, I spent quite a bit of time at my cousins’ house. We rough-housed, broke things, and told on each other for a variety of offenses. On the occasions that I slept over, we were confined to the basement, and we watched USA’s Up All Night. One night, USA aired one of the Conan movies. I thought it was pretty cool. But then, one of the bad guys dies in the most horrific way I’d ever seen. He gets trapped by this huge rolling circular door and he screams and cries until the door finally rolls over him completely. Since then I’ve had this image burned on my brain and I’ve developed a phobia of rolling circular doors. Anyway, I plan on elaborating on all those villain deaths that traumatized me at a later date. For now, I want to talk about movie franchises that confuse me. Stay with me, I’ll get there. I could never remember what Conan movie we were watching. So every time there’s a Conan movie on TV, I have to watch, hoping that I finally see that scene. For whatever reason, I never see it. Yesterday… I SAW IT! The rolling circle door death happens in Red Sonja. The weirdest thing though; Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the movie, but he doesn’t even play Conan – he’s some other dude that looks just like Conan. And this brings me to…

Movie Franchises That Confuse the Hell Outta Me.

Conan the Barbarian / Conan the Destroyer / Red Sonja
Since I’ve only seen bits and pieces of each one, to me, these are all kind of one big movie. I’m not even sure if Red Sonja is supposed to be part of the Conan franchise, but it looks the same. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in it, only his name is Talidor. Really? These can’t be two different characters - they are identical! Talidor just wears more clothing. You can’t paint stripes on a donkey and call it a zebra, ok? I’ve been to Tijuana and the zebra-donkeys are not convincing.
I’ve seen enough of these movies now that you’d think I knew the plots. But I don’t. I don’t even know who Conan is or why he’s all barbaric. I don’t know where they are or what time period it is. All I know is that the older sister from Wonder Years is in one of them and she is hot. That’s all I got.

It's good to be the Governer

Mad Max / The Road Warrior / Mad Max beyond Thunderdome
This is another franchise that I’ve seen in parts. I’ve seen enough to know that it’s the end of the world and people drive around to find gas. Why don’t they stop driving and save on gas? I also know Thunderdome is the final movie and it stars Tina Turner. My problem is that I don’t know which came first, The Road Warrior or Mad Max. They look exactly the same to me, and the names give no clue as to which is the sequel. Every time Mad Max or Road Warrior comes on, I try to watch to get a better idea of the story. But all I see are some people driving around and some people blowing up.

Couldn't find a funny picture from the movie... so... enjoy the mesh.

Pirates of the Caribbean
Now, here’s a franchise of which I’ve seen every movie. The Curse of the Black Pearl was a phenomenal film. Then things got really weird. The sequel didn’t make a lick of sense, and the third movie made even less sense. Both movies were so confusing to me, and I’m an adult – sort of. I’m not sure how a child is supposed to figure it out. So tentacle dude is cursed to find souls to operate his boat? Again, why not just stop driving the boat and save on souls. Relax and enjoy the afterlife my friend; I’m sure there are some mermaids somewhere that really dig those tentacles. I wasn’t sure who the voodoo lady was either and really hoped everything would be cleared up in the third flick, At World’s End. But I was wrong. Jack Sparrow is now running around the afterlife hanging out with lots of other Jack Sparrows. Interesting. And then there’s a bunch of other pirates getting involved and they all have pieces of eight? Pieces of eight what? And watch out guys that one lady got crabs. The plot is so convoluted and the movie is so long, I stopped paying attention.

"Love, weren't you a girl in the last movie?"

Halloween
Freddy kills to avenge his own murder. Jason kills to avenge his mother’s murder. But what’s Michael Meyers’s problem? Why does he care so much about killing his sister? I think they tried to answer that in the 5th or 6th movie, but that seemed like a stretch. And how does he keep coming back to life? Freddy and Jason live in an uber-supernatural universe where they both have the ability to return and the audience believes it. But Michael seems somewhat rooted in realism, so I’m not sure how bullets don’t kill him. And also – is it just me or does the mask look way more weinery with every sequel.

"Shut up. They had a mask sale at Walmart."

Lord of the Rings
And these movies are four hours long, why? I’ve only seen the first half of the first movie and I refuse to watch anymore. So – can someone tell me what happens? Kthxbye.

Yeah, can I have my precious half-hour back?

The Blind Side

How did the American sports movie become synonymous with crying? It seems like every sports movie released lately induces my man-tears. I’m not ashamed to cry during a movie – I do it all the time. I get very emotionally involved in any movie I watch, so the slightest key change in score, or a hug from a dad, will set me off. And then my wife makes fun of me the rest of the evening.

I love a good sports movie, especially the football variety. Remember the Titans, We Are Marshall, Invincible, Varsity Blues; they’re all great movies. Some say Rudy is the best, but I have to disagree. There’s no better football movie than Lucas. Lucas made the slow-clap a sports movie classic. Did you know that the slow-clap was invented by hand model Pierre Von Clap? It was actually ridiculed in its early days - why clap slow when you can clap fast, and finish in time for tea? Lucas came along and just tore that logic up.

One could argue though, that these football tear-jerkers are becoming formulaic. It’s probably true, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad movies. When I first saw the preview for The Blind Side, I thought, awesome – definitely seeing that one – what could be better than a true-life football story? But after repeated commercials and hearing the line about never having a bed, boo-hoo, over and over, I worried that The Blind Side would be overly emotional – schmaltz for the sake of schmaltz. I also worried that Sandra Bullock’s thick southern accent (“You kin thank me lateRRR”) would drive me crazy. I almost gave up on this movie when the commercials claimed that Bullock was sure to win an Oscar.

It was my wife’s turn to pick the movie last weekend, and she picked The Blind Side. And I’m really glad she did. It’s a little bit schmaltzy, but overall, The Blind Side is a pretty good movie.

The Blind Side is about the early life of Ravens tackle Michael Oher. He spent most of his childhood running away from foster homes and sleeping on any couch he could find. His teachers, when he had them, wouldn’t work with him and kept passing him to get rid of him. Leigh Anne Tuohy, played by Sandra Bullock, eventually welcomed him into her family’s home.

I’m not convinced that Sandra Bullock will win any awards for her performance but she did a fine job. Her accent wasn’t that annoying and it was subtle for the majority of her dialogue – I barely noticed it at all. The real standout performance here belongs to Quinton Aaron, the actor playing Michael Oher. He did a really good job for his big debut. His sadness was believable as was his compassion.

Despite the dismal life Oher comes from, The Blind Side isn’t constantly depressing. There are several funny moments and I wouldn’t consider them cheap comic relief at all. The little brother is hilarious and some great comedic situations arise with Oher being in a new living situation. Overall, The Blind Side is mostly positive, upbeat, and moving.

In reality the Tuohy family experienced some controversy. Many people thought Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy brought Michael into their home to convince him to play football for their alma mater, The University of Mississippi. The film doesn’t shy away from that controversy. The Tuohy’s are not portrayed as angels and I appreciate that. Leigh Anne doesn’t fight back, she actually questions her motivations. The film feels more authentic this way.

There was a part I didn’t like and actually thought about this for a long time after. Leigh Anne has lunch regularly with three well-to-do women similar to herself. They get a little weirded-out when Leigh Anne tells them about Michael. Leigh Anne jumps on the ole high horse and says, “Shame on you.” I didn’t believe this part at all – it just seemed like petty chick-flick vilification, like when Julia Roberts tells off the snobby sales clerk in Pretty Woman. Up until that point we don’t see Leigh Anne as a better person than her peers. She’s a decent person and cares about people, but we don’t see any evidence that she isn’t a snob or a racist like her friends. So her shame-on-you line seems hypocritical. Maybe the writer wanted her to seem hypocritical - but that irony was just lost on me.

The Blind Side is a pretty decent movie. There are emotional ups and downs but it’s not overly done. There are lots of laughs and some great football action on the field as well. I don’t remember anyone breaking out the slow clap though.









3 Rebels and half a Raven

Pirate Radio

Thanks to the kind people at WXRT Chicago, I was able to see Pirate Radio before its release today. That means my review will actually be of some use! And the best part of all, Pirate Radio is an amazing movie.

Many radio stations are awarding points to their listeners for doing certain things, like listening online, or clicking on articles. I saw the promotion to win these passes, along with Q and A with their resident film critic, "The Regular Guy". So of course I put all my points towards this contest. And I won, perhaps because most XRT listeners would rather win concert passes or T-shirts. I, however, am a movie freak and would have loved to meet The Regular Guy. Turns out, The Regular Guy isn’t real; he’s just the voice character of one of the DJs. So, I didn’t meet him, I just got to watch one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time.

Pirate Radio takes place in England in the 1960’s, when radio stations were prohibited from playing rock and roll. Several stations began broadcasting their rock from boats out at sea. The practice was not illegal at the time, but parliament wanted to put an end to it. This is the story of one of those ships, Radio Rock. A young boy named Carl is sent to live on the boat with his godfather Quentin. His mother apparently had enough of his antics. The plot follows his observations on the ship, but it’s not all about Carl. Quentin, played by Bill Nighy, manages the radio station. Phillip Seymour Hoffman plays The Count, a wild DJ from America. The previews make it seem like PSH is the main character, but we actually get to know several other DJs very well. All the DJs are played by funny men; Nick Frost, Rhys Ifans, and pretty much every other English actor you’ve seen in a movie. Even Kenneth Branagh is in it. I think the only one missing here is Simon Pegg. These DJs live on the boat and are forced to interact with each other every minute of the day. With not much else to do, they talk and play games. The characters are so off-the-wall crazy, throwing them into one small room breeds hilarious dialogue and sure-to-be classic scenes. The humor is pretty silly, similar to Shaun of the Dead. Certain scenes were so silly they actually reminded me of old Beatles movies and even Monty Python. Even the clothes the DJ’s wear are crazy. The costumes are vibrant and colorful and really take you back to that era.

Pirate Radio was written and directed by Richard Curtis, the man responsible for Love Actually - another favorite of mine. One great thing about Love Actually is the great music. A lot of thought went into the soundtrack. Pirate Radio is no different; this movie is all about the music so it had to be good. There is one classic song after another and they are all timed intelligently to the pace of the film. We hear The Who, The Stones, The Kinks, Hendrix - the list goes on and on. This movie is filled with so many classic tunes, they will probably need to release the soundtrack as a boxed set.

The entire movie is hilarious and so much fun, but I have to say my favorite part was the ending. It will completely take you off guard. There are no twists or anything like that, but the end is totally unexpected and perfectly filmed. You would almost think someone else took over directing. I won’t say any more than that. But, again, the music is perfect and even features one of my all-time-favorite songs. It’s not the most widely-known classic rock song, but if you do know it, you will surely be moved as I was.

I loved Pirate Radio - it’s definitely a must see. Every single minute is hilarious. I don’t remember a joke that I didn’t scream out in laughter for. And I have to recommend seeing the movie in theaters while you can. Even your living room surround sound will not do the amazing soundtrack justice.

Thanks much to XRT and the Lake Theater in Oak Park. I really enjoyed your free refills on popcorn and soda!

4 Pirates

The Haunting of Molly Hartley

What haunts Molly Hartley? Aside from the haunting sound of her agent never calling again, I really couldn’t tell you.

Horror movie reviews aren’t my usual forte. I rarely watch them anymore. They are too violent and disturbing lately. I can handle blood and guts, but I think today’s horror directors have lost the campiness that made my generation’s horror movies so great. Horror movies should be scary, but they should be fun too. And there isn’t anything fun about torture porn.

But my wife and I have a tradition, every Halloween we watch a scary movie. We try to rent something that is really scary or really cheesy. This year, it was Drag me to Hell, something I hoped would be a little of both. But, of course, I wait until the last minute to rent it, and both Redboxes near me were out. Yes, I’ve heard of Blockbuster. Believe it or not, it’s an hour away. Okay maybe not an hour, but when you have the only baby in the world that doesn’t like car rides sitting in the back seat, it might as well be an hour. Plus he doesn’t care much for scary movies.

Not only was Drag Me to Hell sold out, every scary movie that looked remotely good was out too. You would think it was Halloween or something. I even considered this inevitable waste of one dollar:

"But I don’t want to be an airman!

I want to be alone with my Fallout Boy records!"

So I drove home, hoping we’d find something on Starz or in my personal library of classics. If all else failed, we could suffer through Ghost Adventures Live. That Zak is a walking bicep in big pants. “Whoa did you dudes hear that? It was a ghost!” No, I’m pretty sure that was your bag of douche overflowing into your big pants. Seriously MC Hammer called and said you have big pants.

Anyway, we found a movie via On Demand: The Haunting of Molly Hartley. It sounded familiar. I liked The Exorcism of Emily Rose and loved The Haunting in Connecticut, so this similarly-titled flick was a sure winner.

Let’s first discuss that title: The Haunting of Molly Hartley. So this is a movie about a chick named Molly who is either being haunted or is haunting, depending on how you read that. Turns out, it’s neither.

As you know I’m against spoiling movies, but in this case, I’m really saving you. Molly is a girl on the verge of her 18th birthday. She’s almost cute but looks kind of stoned. She lives alone with her dad and her mom is M.I.A. It doesn’t take long to figure out that her mom is somehow involved in Molly’s troubled past. At school Molly meets a guy who is a little too well-endowed in the eyebrow area. Side note: Two girls from 90210 and Chace Crawford (who doesn’t know how to spell his own name) from Gossip Girl appear in this movie. What does that tell you?

No caption required.

Anyway, this dude is kind of into Molly so she gets all girly and excited. So while all this teen drama goes on, Molly has creepy dreams about her mom. The only scares we get are the kind of jump-out-from-behind-a-corner crap we’d expect from Nickelodeon’s Are You Afraid of the Dark. None of it’s scary, and none of it’s really happening. It’s all in her head. And it happens over and over again. There’s no buildup, there’s no tension… there’s just hello I’m here! Molly’s mom just keeps showing up and being creepy. Not scary-creepy, just annoying-creepy. Mom even joins Facebook and leaves Molly comments like, “How do I use this?” and “What cocktail are you? I am a cosmo. LOL!” That doesn’t happen. Really in Molly’s dreams, her mom keeps trying to stab her. Turns out Molly’s mom actually did this when Molly was younger and was sent to a psychiatric hospital. Molly lives in fear of her return. Then, one random day, she returns (!) and tries to stab her again, but Molly throws her off a balcony.

"You're cursed, Molly! Cursed with split ends!"

Molly’s guidance counselor comes into the picture at some point too, I don’t remember when, probably around the time I got up to read a book. The counselor and Chace-with-two-C’s throw Molly a birthday party and the truth is revealed. Molly actually died during birth, but the counselor came along and offered her parents a deal. She could bring Molly back to life, but when she turned 18 she would become a demon spawn. Why not, right? Her parents make the deal but then her mom changes her mind and tries to kill her off. So now that it’s her birthday, the counselor and boyfriend throw her a party with a bunch of demons. Molly tries to stab herself, but that doesn’t work because now she’s immortal (?) Suddenly the scene just ends and we apparently flash forward to graduation day. Molly is apparently rich and all around popular and awesome. Fade out, the end. We are left to assume that she just accepts her destiny as an evil demon. But when did she decide that? Why did she decide that? Was Chace really a demon? How long has he been a demon? Was he even 18? How did she get all that money? Does she do evil things or does she just look fancy? And she’s immortal? So when does the devil get to reclaim her soul if she can never die? And if she got to live forever why would her mom try to kill her all these years thus sending her directly to hell? And finally, where was this so called haunting?

Basically this movie has no redeeming qualities whatever. It’s not scary, it’s not funny, it’s not exciting, it’s not original, it’s not interesting, it’s not eventful, it’s not thought-provoking, and worst of all, it doesn’t have an ending. They skipped the ending and went straight to the beginning of the sequel. If you ask me, the concept of girl-becoming-demon is kind of interesting. Why not cut half the slow-paced teen drama, and have Molly become a demon somewhere in the middle. Let’s see her powers! Then somebody, maybe her dad, should try to fight her, but of course she defeats him because he caused this whole demon birthday thing. And actually that’s the new title; Demon Birthday. The bible-beater chick should jump in too and try to defeat her. I didn’t mention her before because she’s a freak, sorry. I don’t know if Molly wins or loses in the end, but my point is that the writers really missed the boat here. The movie sets itself up for a pretty cool story, but then fails to deliver.

Avoid this festering blob at all costs. As we learned, it is probably not the movie you thought your heard of before, and more likely some kind of direct-to-video release, made by someone at the WB. No offense to the WB though – I miss you Dawson!

1 demon birthday cake

Movies That Should be Video Games - The Goonies

My next movie-turned-game was already adapted for the Nintendo 8-bit in the eighties, sort of. It’s actually quite a classic. This game put the phrase “Ouch! What do you do?” into the Engrish hall of fame. That’s right - I’m talking about The Goonies. Only the Nintendo 8-bit version was called “Goonies II” with little-known subtitle: “The game nobody can beat expect for your college roommate (so he claimed) yet he forgot how when you found it at Gamestop 20 years later.”

This game is known as being impossible to beat and it doesn’t make a lick of sense. With the exception of the Frattelli family and Mikey, it doesn’t have much to do with the movie. For starters, you rescue a mermaid, talk to a wizard, and meet a superhero named Konami Man. To be fair, this is a sequel, so it really wouldn’t coincide with the movie’s plot. Plus it’s not even a game sequel to the original movie like most think. There actually was an original Goonies game – it just wasn’t released here in the states. So I say that doesn’t count. It’s time for a real Goonies game. Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket. So climb in my bucket instead dear reader and let’s take a journey through The Goonie Game.

The thing I loved most about The Goonies was that each character had personality. They were all so unique. They all had motivation, they all had charisma, some we liked, and some were annoying (ahem, Martha Plimpton). They also each had a special ability that furthered them in their quest, which makes this movie perfect for a video game adaptation.

The Goonie Game begins with the opening scene taken directly from the movie. We learn that the children will soon lose their homes and be thrown into a new school district. And then, in Mikey’s attic, the children find the old treasure map, and set off for one last adventure together.

When I first started thinking about the details of this game, I wasn’t sure how to handle the large cast of characters. Originally I thought, Mikey would be the main character, and you would see all the others walking behind him, sort of like a role playing game. They would step in when Mikey needed them. But then I thought, each character is cool and should be directly playable. So I stole a little idea from one of my favorite games growing up, Maniac Mansion. The Goonie Game will be nothing like Maniac Mansion in play style, but I think the way you select characters in MM is the way to go. In it, several characters are lined up at the menu screen. You can pick 3. The game changes based on who you choose because they all have specific abilities. You can even conquer the game differently depending on the kid you have chosen. After the opening scene, you see 5 goonies standing on the hill near the Frattelli house. Mikey, Brandon, Chunk, Andy, and Data, will be there, and you pick three. Mouth and Stef are left off the list, but only because they were comic relief and I couldn’t think of any powers to give them. And plus they’re worthless.

Nom nom nom

Each character has a skill and a weapon:
Mikey - Leadership / Pirate sword
Brandon- Strength / Mixed Martial Arts
Chunk - Sloth Summon / Truffle Shuffle makes the baddies vomit
Andy- Piano and puzzles / Field Hockey Stick
Data - Booty Twaps / Utility belt and strategically placed boxing glove

As far as actual game play goes, I see this being a 3-D adventure. Picture Tomb Raider, only replace Lara Croft and her two friends with Mikey and his two friends. You will mostly control Mikey, but the two other kids you chose follow closely behind him. You can switch to these characters when you need to use their abilities. When they are not in use, they will inspect the area, fight baddies, or talk to each other. Mikey’s “Leader” ability is used when they get lost or take a nap. He can whistle, and the group reforms (Press the X button on Playstation, the A button on X-Box, or actually blow into the wii-mote on Wii).

The goonies begin inside the cabin and make their way down through the caves as they do in the movie. The group has to overcome obstacles, traps, puzzles, mazes, waterslides until the finally reach One Eyed Willy’s ship. Along the way players can find treasure chests filled with upgrades to increase strength and speed (like sleeveless sweatshirts and headbands for Brandon). Players will also encounter several enemies that can harm them. Each character has a health-meter, and each time they are hit, they lose health. Nothing new there. Characters can gain back health points by eating cartons of rocky road ice cream or baby ruths.

Recharge!

In addition to bats, snakes, giant spiders, and maybe even a few dead pirates, The Fratellis follow close behind them. Mini-boss battles ensue when the brothers catch up to them. The final boss battle happens once the goonies find the pirate ship. I’m not entirely sure how that would work though. We may have to stray from the movie plot a little. Maybe Mama Fratelli finds an ancient medallion that transforms her into the kracken?

One in every Arby's kid's meal. Collect them all!

Movies That Should be Video Games - Labyrinth

Labyrinth – Jareth’s Revenge!

WARNING: The following game summary is very nerdy. Actually it borders on fan fiction. And that really scares me. This summary got way out of control. Please believe me when I say that I am not a complete emo-nerd and I don’t shop at Hot Topic. Read on if you dare… I hope I don’t lose the 7 followers I have.

If you told me that you wouldn’t buy this game, I’d call you a liar. I bet you’d preorder it too, just to get the free t-shirt. Labyrinth is everyone’s favorite movie - everyone’s. It’s a true classic, and unlike every other classic movie, it hasn’t been sequeled, spun-off(?), or rebooted.
So, let me be the first to sequel/spin-off/reboot the movie with a 3D adventure game.

Labyrinth – Jareth’s Revenge is a video game sequel to the movie. The story takes place after the events of the Labyrinth movie. When I was 7, my neighbor tried to convince me that there was in fact a Labyrinth 2. I was so excited. Every time I went to the local video store after that, I asked Todd if Labyrinth 2 was in. He would politely say, “No, not yet,” and pat me on the head. I always liked Todd. One day, his dad Norm was filling in. Because Norm is a dream-crusher, he told me Labyrinth 2 didn’t exist and never would! I ran home crying - true story. The following is a little story I came up with during a lifetime of wishing for a Labyrinth 2.

Sara is now 30 and a single mother. Due to her experiences in the goblin kingdom, she’s very protective of her baby, Paul. Forgive the name, I couldn’t think of a good one. Toby, Sara’s little brother, is 15 now and very mischievous. He runs around the house acting like a monster and constantly annoys his parents. They send him to Sara’s house for a weekend visit. Sara, still unhappy with her parents, gets easily frustrated with Toby and ignores him to care for her own baby. Toby gets jealous and locks himself in her bedroom. Bored, he looks through her things and finds the Labyrinth storybook that she carried with her in the film. With it, he is able to summon the goblins to take little Paul away. As Sara frantically tries to unlock her bedroom door, a white owl flies through the hallway and into the nursery. And of course, when she runs into the nursery, Paul is gone. The windows are open, and a goblin is sitting on the windowsill. He says something like, “We took yo babay!” Sara karate chops it in the head.

Sorry, my nerd alert was going crazy and I had to man up a little.

Anyway, both Sara and Toby go to the Goblin Kingdom to get Paul back. Jareth greets her at the entrance in a “Bwa ha ha, we meet again,” kind of way. Sara is all like, “You again! I thought I killed you!” And Jareth goes, “Not really - you said I didn’t have any power over you and I was like, whatever, I need to go, I have a pot pie in the oven.” Jareth informs her that this time he won’t be so easy on her. He needs Paul and won’t give him back.

Sara begins her adventure through the labyrinth and thus, the game begins. The labyrinth is more immense than the one in the film because Jareth has added on – he’s on his third mortgage. There are several ‘levels’ comprised of different mazes and more villages. Sara is equipped with a princess wand she keeps in her bedroom. In the beginning, all she can do is strike down enemies, but as she progresses, she receives upgrades and magic abilities. Fancy. Toby follows close behind her throughout the maze, but soon falls down a pit. Sara continues without him and when she completes the level, the player assumes the role of Toby. He needs to complete an entirely different series of underground levels to get back to Sara. The player switches between them every time a level is complete. Toby meets a “friendly” goblin in one of the underground caves. This goblin claims to have gone AWOL from Jareth’s army. Since Toby is defenseless, the goblin gives him a weapon. I can’t think of a good name for it now, so let’s call it a Snatcheroo. Basically, it's a magic wand that shoots out a beam of light and sucks the goblins up.

Dude, seriously this is getting so nerdy. I need to take a break. Beer! Chicks! Football! Home remodeling projects!

Ok - only a few more details to go. As Sara progresses through the labyrinth she encounters old friends and new. She can use their abilities for assistance. Ludo can call rocks and wipe out goblin armies; Sir Didymus can swordfight on the back of his dog Ambrosius. (Um - kind of sad that I don’t need to look up their names.) And of course Hoggle kills fairies and pees in public.

After puzzles, traps, mazes, and crazy creatures that try to take her head off, Sara makes it to the center of the Labyrinth. Jareth is there, waiting for her, with Toby standing next to him in a goblin suit of armor. Jareth reveals that it was him in the underground system. He gave Toby the Snatcheroo. Jareth is getting older and consequently weaker. The goblins down there had revolted and were planning to overthrow Jareth. Disguised as the old goblin, Jareth used Toby to capture them. The plot thickens – Jareth explains that the labyrinth affected Toby when he was there as a baby, and even when he returned home. This is why Toby was so mischievous. Jareth intended for Toby to find Sara’s book and call the goblins. He planned the entire thing so that Toby would return. Jareth needs a successor as goblin king. Sara thinks he is talking about Toby and says, “Fine, you can have him.” But Jareth explains that only a true heir can be king, and that Paul is actually his son. Saucy - somebody call Maury. I haven’t worked out those details but I’m thinking Sara drank a little too much vino at the masquerade ball.

The final stage begins, Sara must fight her way through the Escher maze again, this time it’s crawling with baddies. I think this level would be killer and reminiscent of Super Mario Galaxy. The maze would turn Sara upside down and you’d never know which way was up. Totally awesome. When Sara reaches Jareth at the top, she must actually fight him. By this point she should have a full arsenal to combat his magic balls. Once he’s defeated, Toby turns back into a human, and he and Sara bring Paul home safe.

Sheesh. That was exhausting. I may have to discontinue the movie/video game thing.

After some research I discovered there have actually been at least two games made based on this movie. Below are some screen captures from them. Apologies to anyone who owns the copyrights... not because I'm using them, but because your games look lame and mine rules.

Hmmm...Who is responsible for that not-so-subtle graffiti? Hoggle looks suspicious.

Who is this dude? What is that furby looking thing? And what the hell is going on in the woods back there?!